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#defeatism #sabotage #poetry
Published: 2020-01-29 01:51:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 590; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 0
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I’d like to walk away from myself
showing more than the back of
my head, but there I go.
My story is on the wall,
shadows growing from fires
lit in the night -
I can’t look away,
caveman fascination
in its prophetic visions.
There are three silhouettes,
and one of them’s a sword.
I’m standing on both ends.
I’m the stain and the carpet,
wondering how to come clean
without losing myself.
I’m the nervous system
and the autoimmune response,
the miner dig-dig-digging for riches
and the fumes waiting to smother
bright-breasted canaries,
contrasting
like Darwinism and religion
gnawing both sides of a bone,
no intention of letting go
until it splinters -
the life-giving dust
of a supernova
and the subsequent
black hole.
I’m the glacier melting in surrender
to my own rising temperatures,
fossil records be damned and scattered
because I’m lost in the light,
archeologist of courage
and the black market,
siphoning pieces to the highest bidder
(which is also me, over there).
I’m waiting
for a second sun to pass the glass,
another light for another shadow,
to stop eroding,
but it becomes a greenhouse frame.
I’d like to see myself as more than
shattered glass on the floor
when my feet are bare.
Another possibility day,
and I’m already dressing
in discount Halloween masks.
Maybe you won’t recognize me...
not yet; you might recognize me
any second.
It’s the back of my head,
but it’s not familiar unless
we’ve grown accustomed to it.
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Comments: 7
MozartsNemesis [2020-01-29 10:27:14 +0000 UTC]
I really enjoyed the contrast you've provided here with your rich metaphors, the supernova and black hole lines specifically. Nothing in this is disappointing in the least, but if you're asking where it felt weaker, then personally I thought the coat hanger and jacket line was a little odd in that particular place in the poem.
But my absolute favorite thing about this poem:
"I’d like to see myself as more than
shattered glass on the floor
when my feet are bare."
It's so damn relatable and so aptly put, just beautifully done. I also really loved the archaeology metaphor and the idea that you were auctioning off parts of you to yourself.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Nullibicity In reply to MozartsNemesis [2020-02-21 00:25:51 +0000 UTC]
I always leave your comments, because there's always a lot to unpack, and I usually feel a lot of gratitude for the attention and effort you're willing to give to them. I want to make sure I can give it proper attention and also make decisions regarding changes. Thank you!
I felt the same about the placement. I need to start building a better intuition - it's just that sometimes I've wanted to take out things that people have labeled as a crucial part of the poem, so I thought I'd ask as I'm still learning to balance everything. I think it may just be better removed, and combining the stanza with the one below it (after splitting it up a bit). Thank you for taking the time to share that!
I really, really, really liked the idea of that line, and so I'm so very thrilled someone else liked it. For me, it pretty much encompasses the entire feeling this poem was born from. Always a pleasure to read comments from you and hear your thoughts. I'm ever so grateful for the help you've given me in helping me build an editing eye, and I'm always wishing you the best. I hope you have a great week!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
MozartsNemesis In reply to Nullibicity [2020-02-22 01:50:54 +0000 UTC]
I noticed you removed the lines, and honestly, it reads so much smoother without them. Also, you never have to thank me. I get so much from your words..that is thanks enough. Just keep writing ^.^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Nullibicity In reply to MozartsNemesis [2020-02-23 16:27:30 +0000 UTC]
I’m glad you think so! I certainly see it as a more cohesive piece with the redaction, too. It was definitely a good decision!
I’ll be sure to! I appreciate you always reading what I produce (: even at the times it’s not quite as polished, haha. I’m just grateful that a couple people are reading my words and that they find meaning somewhere!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Nullibicity In reply to palaeochannel6 [2020-02-21 00:20:58 +0000 UTC]
This is like a month late (apologies) but I wanted to say thank you so much! I'm really glad you did!
Hope you have a great week!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1