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Oceanbird — Dying, Inch by Inch
Published: 2011-03-22 06:10:27 +0000 UTC; Views: 625; Favourites: 14; Downloads: 9
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Description
Confused mutters and endless prattle,Predicted the hit in vicious battle,
Struck down inch one; a victim of treachery
As a thief steals your memory.
Yellowed skin, thin and frail,
Foretold the blow of mighty flail,
Smote inch two, as a sinner on Judgement Day,
Leaving your body to slowly decay.
Hollowed cheeks and empty eyes,
Heralded the strike of untimely demise;
Killed inch three, like a bird of prey,
Comes to pick your flesh away.
You are dying by inches as I watch.
Death is carving one more notch,
Into his gun. I feel helpless as I cry,
"Please don't leave", as you die.
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Comments: 14
I will be critiquing this poem on behalf ofa.deviantart.net/avatars/g/r/g… " alt=" " title="GrammarNaziCritiques"/>
Firstly, your title is extremely intriguing - a great hook to lure your readers in.
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ST 1
L2 - you seem to be missing the word 'the' (predicted the hit in [the] vicious battle)
L3 - your word order is a bit off, 'inch one' should be 'one inch'
ST 2
L2 - you are missing either a 'the' or an 'a' (foretold the blow of [the/a] mighty flail)
L3 - again the word order - 'inch two' should be 'two inches'
ST 3
L3 - again the problem comes in with the word order, however you have a double problem as 'inch three' could work here. So you either have to change it to 'three inches' to keep with the uniformity or leave it as it is to give your poem something different. The choice lies with you.
ST 4
L2 - there should not be a comma at the end of this line
Your grammar (apart from the occasional word order) is superb and I love the way you have used your punctuation.
S & F are superb
The R works even though the M may not be consistent.
Your imagery is superb and I love how you sum it all up in the final ST.
Jo
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Thank you for taking the time to critique my poem. I am sorry it took so long for me to respond. I have not been feeling well.
I am glad my imagery elicited such a strong response. It was also good to receive help with my grammar. I DO struggle with meter. I am trying to teach myself to become better at it.
The terms "inch one", "inch two" and "inch three" are how I intended them. I was giving them name, (think Inch One as you would John Smith) as if they were beings themselves. The metaphor invoked is supposed to be comparing them to a person dying in stages or slowly rather than all at once; such as in an accident.
Leaving out "the" and "a" was supposed to be dramatic. I was thinking as if it was not just "a mighty flail" (emphasis on flail) for example but again, as metaphor, a "Mighty Flail".
Such was my intent at any rate.
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The imagery works very well, although some of the rhyming structure feels rushed - the last two lines of the first stanza and in the last stanza the break in the sentence doesn't quite flow as well as the rest of the poem. I think that i would've left out the "Into his gun" part as "Death is carving one more notch" creates enough of an image to go on.
It must be very hard for you going through this, from my experience with my grandfather and to be able to sit and write in this form must've taken a lot of concentration. I wonder to myself what it may be like in a free verse form.
You have definitely captured the essence of the pain of watching somebody dying from cancer.
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I am happy that, in general, my imagery has worked well. I thought the mid-line break in the last stanza a dramatic pause, perhaps a bit too dramatic, eh?
Did my punctuation pass muster? I do fairly well with it but better at strict grammar, spelling and such. I tend to go to extremes too much or too little grammar.
It has been hard. Poetry is both a coping mechanism and an escape. Perhaps that is why I obsess over them when things get rough.
My rough draft was free verse. I am polishing it up a bit, but it was lacking something I haven't defined yet. may post it yet, perhaps in scraps.
Thank you both for the critique and the kind words. The first betters my art, the second my soul.
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This is a beautiful poem,I'm almost in tears.The poem is beautifully worded for something so horrible to watch.I know where your coming from,my mam had breast cancer but luckily she survived and my Grandmothers sister (my grand-aunt i guess) doesn't have alot of time left.A definite favourite from me.
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Thank you for your kind words and the favorite. It means a lot to me.
I am happy to hear that your mum is a survivor and I wish the best for the time your great aunt has left.
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Your welcome and thanks
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I'm glad it spoke to you. It was hard, more so for his wife, but he isn't hurting anymore.
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My best to you and yours during this hard time 
"Confused mutters and endless prattle,
Predicted the hit in vicious battle,
Struck down inch one; a victim of treachery:
A thief, stealing your memory."
I enjoy the word choice of this stanza, but I don't believe the comma after prattle is needed. Perhaps add "this" or some demonstrative adjective before battle. Perhaps in the 4th line, use "has stolen" or "stole" since "you" are already a victim of treachery...or even, begin that line like with something like this: "By a thief stealing..." (if this is to be used, the colon at the end of treachery isn't needed.
"Yellowed skin, thin and frail,
Foretold the blow of mighty flail,
Smote inch two, as a sinner on Judgement Day,
Leaving your body to slowly decay."
Judgment has only one e. Thin and frail are describing the body? If so, add that in (ie: "Yellowed skin, a body think and frail/ Foretold..." Also, when I think of "flail," I think of something getting hit and thrashing to stay upright. The way you have it here, I see the blow being almost accidental, a flail.
“Hollowed cheeks and empty eyes,
Heralded the strike of untimely demise;
Killed inch three, like a bird of prey,
Comes to pick your flesh away.”
Comma after “eyes” is unnecessary. Maybe “untimely strike of demise” or “strike bringing untimely demise” would work better as “strike of untimely demise”…whatever you feel though. I understand what you’re saying, but it seems to be a bit imprecise, at least to me. “…like a bird of prey/ Coming too pick your flesh away.”—last two lines don’t have a specific subject, unless it is the dead “inch three” that comes to “pick your flesh away.”
“You are dying by inches as I watch.
Death is carving one more notch,
Into his gun. I feel helpless as I cry,
"Please don't leave", as you die.”
No comma after “notch,” perhaps “carves” instead of “is carving” (active rather than passive). Comma inside the quotation marks, right after “leave.”
The imagery is extremely rich and chilling—a thief stealing memories, a decaying body, vultures picking apart a body, and the tears of loved ones as death approaches.
These are my opinions and my opinions only. If you are free to disregard anything with which you disagree. I also don’t claim to be perfect…Sorry for tearing the poem apart…
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Thank you for going over my poem. It was too close to me to see unbiased. I am planning a minor rewrite in response to you and a few others. Just to clean it up a bit, nothing major. I will save that for a new poem.
I never mind a critique and don't easily take offense
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oh my that is jus so sad. I know what it is like to go though that. I have gone thought that may self. I just love how you decribe you frustantion you feel because there is nothing you can do but be there for them. I love the raw feeling that you express in this piece that show just how painful it is to put on a brave face the person you love. To hide what you feel in a box so that one in pain does not see the pi they cause you as you watch them die. I have to say though it is the worst way to go to die like that inch by inch to know death is coming and not to be able to do any thing about it.
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It is hard. He is now gone though, and no longer suffering. Thank you for your words.
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