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OneOfManyNames — Run
Published: 2010-01-25 03:40:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 154; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 1
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Description
Run. That was the only word going through his mind at that point. Run. Faster and faster. Don't look back. Keep running. He had to get away, away from that evil being, away from the blood, and the sheer horror of it all. He could still see those glowing red eyes staring at him, glaring into the very depths of his mind and soul. He could still smell the hot stench of blood, dripping from every corner of the room. But now all he could think of was how to get away, all he could think of was run.
Comments: 5
Oooo. Just reading this is making me look over my shoulder. I like the pauses you've created within your sentences, guiding the reader through this nightmare. My suggestion would be to make your punctuation even more intentional. Where you have commas in that seventh sentence ('away from that evil being, away...') I would put periods.
I'm a big fan on the jumping in right away approach. It sure grabbed my attention!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Interesting start! The only real problem I'm seeing is that the scene described is very intense, but the emotion that the writing creates doesn't quite match. One thing I'd say is switch up your sentence length. Having all mid-length sentences really doesn't make it seem very intense at all. You do alright in the first few sentences, but then you kinda lose it. Also, you're using a lot of passive tense, which is really the quickest way to kill any mood in a story. It would take some doing to rephrase it out the way you have this set up, but otherwise it's not going to get the feeling your aiming for.
Anyway, don't let me discourage you. It's interesting, anyway, and I'd like to see where you take it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
No this is great! Thanks for the critique!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1