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oracle-of-nonsense — Blessing
Published: 2013-02-08 20:16:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 263; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 1
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Description
Little boy at the bus stop,your dark brown hair
is beautiful
and your trickster eyes
are two bright coffee beans
peering up at me.
I play your hiding game,
smiling and looking away mock-quickly
as one half of your round face
peeks at me, appearing slowly
from behind the gazebo wall.
Your parents chatter in French
above our heads
while I wish with all the buoyancy
you have brought my fragments
that I could lay my hands on your soft head
in silent benediction.
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Comments: 8
I don't think you need anything more. This is lovely.
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"This needs something more, particularly because it's followed by a metaphor."
i wholeheartedly disagree with this reasoning; because it's followed by a metaphor, i think it's better left plainly stated. overall, the language of the poem is precise with proper placement of poetic devices--anymore and it would be heavy-handed or even pretentious. those were my favorite lines in the poem. i have the same sentiment to number two; leave it as is, this does not need to be teased out, and the fact the setting is somewhat ambiguous adds to the charm.
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I think I just don't like beautiful, because it doesn't say enough. I don't really need another metaphor or simile, but beautiful doesn't cut it for me. The lines in number two will probably be left more or less the way it is, because it's really only important to me that the image of what the boy is doing is clear. Which, apparently, it is.
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Anything you can add to 'dark brown hair'? Texture, lustre, some other metaphor to describe some other feature of the hair, or perhaps to connect to another feature of his? It sounds like his eyes and hair are similarly coloured.
Oh, and I really liked the quoted part from point 2. It made total sense, and I thought it sounded cute. (:
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I don't want to make that part to adjective-y, but that's sort of what I'm trying to do, that or have a metaphor/simile in there. But I am really stuck on what to use, because I already use soft later, and I'm really trying to avoid and also things that I personally use a lot for dark hair (silk, chocolate, etc.).
Oh good! I liked it, but a friend told me it wasn't clear.
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I dunno then. Fun anecdote, though: when I took my hair back to its natural colour, it always reminded me of chocolate cake (it was spongy like cake, too), which made me hungry a lot, and heavily contributed to me going blonde again.
Chocolate hair sounds yummy.
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You hair's natural color does strongly resemble chocolate cake...Omnomnomnom...
It would be, but also messy and sticky and gross.
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