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oracle-of-nonsense — Bucket List
Published: 2013-01-22 03:18:45 +0000 UTC; Views: 611; Favourites: 11; Downloads: 1
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1. Laugh without caring about the garlic on my breathfrom the pasta dish I shared in Firenze
after drinking a rapid cup of real espresso
and spending the day running trembling, awed fingers
over the hallowed structure of Ponte Vecchio,
kneeling with all my agnostic piety
beneath the weight of the Duomo’s aged spirituality.
2. Wake up to the sound of the ocean
just beyond the thin, salt-fogged layer of glass
and the wet, briny wave-spray in the air
drifting through screens set in weathered frames,
and realize I have nothing more pressing to do
than eat a naked breakfast and write, or read,
or go back to sleep until the sun is burning on the water
and the tourists have retreated to the bars for some local flavor.
3. Drink half of three bottles of Riesling at Bukowski’s grave
with some friends and other admirers I’ve never met before;
pour the other half out with slurry readings of our favorites
as libations to our German-American, factory-working,
classical composer, booze and cheap whore loving
god of poetry, shining exemplar and proof
that the bad habits may not get you
but the cancer sure as hell will.
4. Inhale the thick scent of the Garden District
while Pa tells me histories of Mardi Gras
and the difference between Chicago and N’awlins blues,
our fingers orange-oily from toasted muffuletta sandwiches
purchased from a café in the French Quarter
he knew when he was younger
and settling down seemed less inevitable
and the jazz musicians
seemed less tattered by the winds and rains of nature.
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Comments: 31
At first i left a homage coming on, inspired to... react. then i relaized i lacked..... and now just imagine. Thank you
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What do you lack? You're welcome
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when i know, i will tell you, but your work continues to insspire and amaze
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Brilliant. I'm excited for you to do all of these things.
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This is really lovely. I should definitely add some of these to my bucket list (when I make one)
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Thank you
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You're welcome
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Hi! Just letting you know that your lovely piece has been featured here: [link]
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Haha thanks. They never notify me.
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1. I'd say that's purely up to you as the writer whether you want to add more to this because though I love it as it is, who knows what else you could add to it? Perhaps between stanzas 3. and 4. and 1. and 2. if you're really thinking about it since they don't flow as well as the others, but otherwise it's fine, which is brilliant considering it's a bucket list, it'd be acceptable if they didn't.
3. Raw. They're all very human wants and needs. None of that "climb a mountain" or "write a book" are in there, nope, you've gotten right down to the root and that honesty I can appreciate. And the way that you very rapidly go from one image to the next... it makes it all so much more vibrant.
4. Gosh, definitely good enough, strong enough, and vivid enough. It's that honesty again, rather than relying on preconceived achievements that are already becoming cliched.
5. Perhaps it comes down to what I enjoy seeing in literature, but the conclusion is exactly what a bucket list needs. Even when one has finished their bucket list, are you going to accept death? No. We'll fight for those several more seconds and that final line really wraps up that last stanza and the piece as a whole.
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I think this may be a poem that continually gets added on to, but maybe not. For now, I am content with its length (although I may end up excising or dramatically revising the 5th stanza).
Thanks you so much for the thoughtful critique, and for featuring my poem on the prompt journal
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You're welcome! Your piece definitely deserves the feature
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I honestly just love this. The reference to Bukowski is not missed, and the line about the cancer works brilliantly with his grizzly style. Amazing poem overall. Gorgeous description just close enough to touch.
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Oh good. I'm sort of worried that there are a lot of people who won't get that line, but it needed to be in there in that way, without being too explicit. Haha, thank you, that was a definite shout-out to his style. Thank you again for your comments
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Hello there, this is here from to critique this piece to the best of my ability. I hope that I can provide some modicum of advice for you today
1. I think that the length is good, and there are enough details to keep it interesting but not so many that it feels forced or crowded. The eye wants to keep moving across the lines. Even if you do decide to add on to this I don't think it will feel too long, as long as you continue in this same style and don't go overboard on the details.
2. The end works for me up until the last few lines: "I will be... to kick it." It certainly isn't bad the way it is but I feel like it doesn't really fit with the rest of the piece. I almost feel like you could end it with "looking for new conquests after each victorious campaign" because it sings of an ending without actually being an ending (if that makes sense), but on the other hand you may feel like that's too sudden.
3. I have no complaints about the style other than the line breaks, which are a little too predictable for my taste. I might consider varying the line lengths to add more visual interest but that is purely personal preference; it still flows beautifully the way it is.
4. The images are vivid and truly allow the reader to picture what you are saying in their head. I have no suggestions on that front.
5. All in all, I enjoyed this piece thoroughly. It resonated with me particularly strongly in a few parts and I imagine that others feel the same. There is a certain universality in writing about the relationship between a person and their own life which I believe you have captured here. Wonderful job.
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Thank you for taking the time to write such an in-depth and thoughtful critique. I really appreciate it.
I may end up adding to it, it will really depend on 1. how many lines I end up needing to meet the required amount for my class, and 2. what my professor and peer review says about the length.
The last few lines were a large part of what I didn't like about the end, so I may just cut them, as you suggested. My only problem is that I don't want the end to be too short, but that may be what it needs. We'll see.
I'll be sure to go back and take a second look at some of the line breaks
Thank you very much for your kind and constructive words.
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One thing you want to do before you die is not die? 
I agree with ~sense-and-stupidity ; you hit most of the senses (I think sound was the least present), especially in the middle three stanzas. Everyone has their own take on the ocean, but my favourite part there was the end, because damn it does get hot and it's fun to imagine all the tourists retreating from the beach. I think the fourth is the strongest sense-wise; it makes me hungry. :/ Has your dad actually been to Mardi Gras?
As for length, I dunno. The stanzas themselves feel alright, although I don't think the fifth is necessary. Also: purchased from a café in the French Quarter
he knew when he was younger
and age seemed less inevitable and the jazz musicians
seemed less tattered by the angry winds and rains of nature.seemed a bit repetitive. Maybe that's just me.
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Yeahhh. I think what I was going for there (that I forgot to add in after getting the Alexander line the way I wanted it) was that I'll never finish the bucket list, I'll keep adding to it so that I never have permission to die. But yeah, that's a bit wordy and needs some fixing.
Sound is always the least present for me. I should probably work on that, but I'd rather just overcompensate with the other senses. This is true, but I'm glad you got that that was it getting hot, like midday-ish, and not sunset, which I realized later it could be taken as. Yeah, I really packed them in there; it made me hungry, haha. I'm pretty sure he has. I know he's at least been to New Orleans several times.
So you think I could just end with the fourth stanza?
Which part of that is repetitive? I was going to use "and old age seemed less inevitable", but didn't want to make a cheesy parallel with younger. The tattered jazz musicians was a reference to Katrina, if that's not too tacky.
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I think smell and taste are underrated, so it's nice to see them put to good use. (: If the sun's making the water hot, it seems like it'd have to be sunny, yeah?
I dunno how the fourth stanza would stand on its own. It doesn't seem as ending-ish as the fifth, if that makes any sense. It doesn't break the pattern of the other stanzas. Maybe you could rework the fifth?
"he knew when he was younger
and age seemed less inevitable" is what seemed a little repetitive. 'Cos you'd expect that. And yeah, I'm pretty terrible with allusions unless they're spelt out in front of me. That part makes more sense now. I thought you just meant like starving artists.
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Which is unfortunate, because they're such great sense to work with. Yeah, that's what I was thinking, but then I thought, well, maybe people will go the visual route and think of the sun as red, like fire, on the water? I don't know. We'll have to see how my poetry class takes it.
That was my problem. I didn't want to just end it, suddenly and abruptly. I think I'm going to work on re-working the fifth. It was sort of that I got to where I was like, well, I could continue writing these self-indulgent stanzas forever, but I think the point is across. And then I didn't know what to do. But I like the Alexander of bucket lists.
Okay, yeah, that I can see. I'll try to think of something else or just remove it. Haha, well, I was trying to not be heavy-handed with it.
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I feel like the images in this were almost throw-up-beautiful (which is a compliment. I promise.) Especially in 2 and 3, I could smell and feel and taste everything. Lovely
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Just glancing at that comment in my inbox, I was almost rather offended, haha. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece
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oh no. I didn't mean to offend you. I meant it in the nicest possible way; that it was sickening in that I could relate so vividly to it, which is pros to your abilities.
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Definitely a very interesting way to describe the way you relate to it.
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