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oracle-of-nonsense — The Cave
Published: 2013-04-10 03:25:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 354; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 0
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Description Pause before graffitied door. She says this must be it.
Swallow hesitation like a whiskey shot
and look back at that girl in white, my Mary full of grace.
Then we’re sliding into the low-ceilinged dimness
thick with bass and crude propositions spit through synthesizers,
searching for the boy who called me there,
away from well-lit places and clean bathrooms,
and back into the world of the untamed working class.
Luminescent hungry eyes lurk around the edges
of the makeshift dance floor
while that boy whose matchstick body
I learned to light on a night like this
rocks boatlike against our two forms,
her swaying sapling well-rooted,
my Piedmont topography rolling into him,
hips reminiscing other dancefloors, other dive bars
while my mind sashays on to a gin and tonic
and the cigarettes I quit five months ago.
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Comments: 5

not-an-emo-girl942 [2013-11-27 22:41:32 +0000 UTC]

Hello, I'm a critic from !  This is a fabulous piece!  I'll break this up by the points from your guidelines.

1. Yes, the beginning makes it a bit murky, but by the end it's clear that they are just two friends out at a bar.

2. The end is abrupt, but it seems entirely fitting for this piece.  You could really go either way with this one, adding more or not.

3. Unfortunately, I have none, but I enjoy the phrasing as is.

4. The very first line lacks the flow of the rest, mostly because it is two separate lines and doesn't have the same jazzy rhythm of the rest of this piece.

5. This is very provocative, in more than one sense.  It is racy on its own, but it reminds me of my own experiences in clubs or at parties.  They're always times you're not quite proud of but not ashamed of, and I think you expressed it perfectly.

6. I keep reading this piece over and over again, and I keep seeing something new that I love.    I hope to see more of your work soon.

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v-espertine [2013-05-08 22:37:44 +0000 UTC]

loved this before the revision, love it more now. clearer images, seems more cohesive. great work

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oracle-of-nonsense In reply to v-espertine [2013-05-08 22:59:32 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, I had some great suggestions from classmates.

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archelyxs [2013-04-27 21:31:06 +0000 UTC]

I love this, common experience turned into a fine piece of poetry. I think you cut it off at a perfect moment.

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oracle-of-nonsense In reply to archelyxs [2013-05-08 17:51:55 +0000 UTC]

Thank you

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