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orangetot β€” Besides the Point
Published: 2004-02-24 23:22:49 +0000 UTC; Views: 100; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 33
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Description Anyway
Forget about worry, excuse my nature
More to the point
Tolerate this, because I asked you so nicely
In any case
Ignore my questions, because you know they’re all utterly
Besides
The point.
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Comments: 8

diffuze [2004-02-25 12:56:34 +0000 UTC]

i want someone to level with me, to understand me.. i take out my contact lenses and go out on the balcony. the night is blurry, the wind chills my face. a tear..

this touches me

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

seriousness [2004-02-25 12:49:45 +0000 UTC]

if you split up besides the point over three lines, i think it would work better. or put them all on one line, but with periods. i dunno.

like this:

Besides.
The.
Point.

or thi:

Besides. The. Point.

or, you could leave it as you have it already. i like this, because of the layers of meaning it could have if you asked it nicely.

i commented, do i get senior status? i'm selfish...

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to seriousness [2004-02-26 09:19:29 +0000 UTC]

The only reason i decided against the idea of broken lines is that i finish one of my poems...
'All.
Over.
Again'
...to get a feeling of bitterness. this poem is really _really_ not about that. its a playful but sincere request for forgiveness. So, to me anyway, that form would add a vague sense of bitterness that doesnt belong.

Thanks so much for the comment though - i love it when people make actually points rather than 'yeah, great'.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

seriousness In reply to orangetot [2004-02-26 10:47:13 +0000 UTC]

I understand now. Yeah, you're right, it would lend it a more bitter tone than I think is completely necessary - good work.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

polyhymnia [2004-02-25 07:43:54 +0000 UTC]

The structure of this works so well - for the most part the shorter lines consisting of common phrases. It's interesting that if you ignore those lines completely, the poem still makes sense, which I believe is the entire point, and it comes across very well in that sense.

The contrast itself between the shorter lines and the longer ones (so literary a description, I know) is highlighted by what I said in the previous paragraph.

Aceness, m'dearie

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to polyhymnia [2004-02-25 10:02:26 +0000 UTC]

Thankyou very much

I couldn't keep the count exact, but i hoped that the brake in and length of lines would make up for it - looks like it went some way to it

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

ost2life [2004-02-24 23:37:42 +0000 UTC]

ok, I've just spend 10 minutes trying to explain why I like it and all I can get is "it's real" it's not trying to be great or deep, it's just being real.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to ost2life [2004-02-24 23:57:22 +0000 UTC]

Bless your heart.
I couldn't be great or deep if i tried

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0