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orangetot — End of the Fairytale
Published: 2002-08-27 15:31:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 232; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 31
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Description
Your words aren't the safest place to playSo aren't you going to stop?
Lost in dull tones
Temping to half lights
Playing out all these half lies
I'll hear my head and heart
But its nothing to do with either,
So I'll listen to your dirty words
I'll know my sense and fear
But I need my weakness,
So all I'll feel is you
Not ready to taste this new vice yet,
See, truth isn't a rule in this game.
And you stand there
And you stare here
And I can't stay away.
The last thing I need is the first thing I want,
Tearing away from you Sound so quiet
When I'm tearing into you.
Bite your lip.
You don't need to tell me.
I can see it where i stand.
I'm becoming something that you need.
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Comments: 8
"this is another one shot effort, hence my relecutance to change it "
Totally understand that - that's how most of my poems end up written 
I really enjoyed the progression of this poem, and the subtle twists it takes. You seem to be able to move through different voices seamlessly while still making absolute sense and creating a wonderful overall effect. Lovely!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i can definitely you have a certain style in your writing, and i like it a lot. i really like your words in the 1st stanza and your last. the last line is just great.
the only thing that bothers me is " The last thing I need is the first thing I want"... this does indeed sound a bit cliche, and very concrete. you don't need to be so obvious here, be a bit more subtle. it'll add a lot to your poem.
but defintely nice job!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I must admit that that line is my only uncertainty in this poem. this is another one shot effort, hence my relecutance to change it - i think changing it would be an insult to what i was feeling at the time. loads of people say i need to be _more obvious_! i'm glad you seem to agree that the subtle approach has something to be said for it.
Thankyou for your comment.
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a few chliche lines are all that takes away from this.
The last thing I need is the first thing I want,
in this game.
--
imagery is always good, show the reader. telling the reader wont do anything for us.
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um. ya.
i havn't really found any real use to cliches other than the fact they make "good" writers not want to read.
i can see what your saying. but i'd still replace the stuff with imegary.
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I purposely put cliche lines and half formed phrases in things to give the reader a more solid sense of the subject and 'plot'. You'll find this in most of my poems. Do you think it sounds out of place then?
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sounds at a first read like an illicit afair being played out, but it seems to go much deeper than that, the first stanza sounds like its halfway between a parent warning a child and another child saying "go on, do it anyway". the way you write it is almost sexual, but seems to build on subtext for that. I like the way it's written...alot because it can be taken on so many levels. one of the most thought provoking pieces I've seen in a while
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