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orangetot — Enter the Fray
Published: 2003-09-04 15:29:17 +0000 UTC; Views: 259; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 62
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Description
I have been here all my life.I won’t leave. Not without a fight. Not without hell on earth dragging me away.
I’ve built everything here. Every heartbeat, breath, blink, it’s all been my work.
As I stand here in the middle of my creation, with my defence in my hands, I hear everything I’ve ever said. The air here is weaved with memories of words and lessons and hurt and hangs heavy and moist, heaving with the weight of my world. In the quiet times, sometimes I sit and listen. Its good remember who you are and why – if you can. Unpicking the words and your reasons from the tangle is so hard sometimes…
The weight of my protection held at my hip feels good and safe.
I can hear them coming - closer all the time. I knew they were coming. I’ve known for so long now…
No one else has ever stepped inside here. No one has thought to. Tonight that could all change and I will fight it to the death. I can feel every shred of this place; I can recall creating every part. I wonder if this home loves me as I love it - I wonder if it loves me as my mother or as my child. This place has never betrayed me once and I pray to all my Gods that it won’t choose to tonight. I can feel my blood rushing through me and every part of my body screaming to fight and run at once. I can feel the building filled with calm and hope and everything I need to feel…
Dropped into my starting stance, I can hear them try the doors. Did they think it would all be so easy? I can hear their mummers seeping through the bricks. And their skin brushing against will, ready to push against it. I can feel them begin their attack. Well, I’m ready now…
I’ve haunted this space for years and I will never leave.
They are banging at the doors…
I’ll tell you what the world looks like after its end.
My heaven is shrieking and splintering…
I’ll tell you how your last breath will taste.
All the gates have flown open…
I will tell you how it feels to enter the fray.
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Comments: 41
One of the paragraphs reminded me of a reallllly bad joke, which i wont tell here. A very nice piece of personal proze. Think i understand the metaphor partially as wel (its a all about your " inner sanctum", that portion of your mind that only you have access to but everybody keeps trying to get into) Or it could be taken differently, instead of your mind it could be your sex.
Hmm. Thought provoking.
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Wow - you pretty much just hit the nail on the head there - did you read the comment explaining it or should i be straight out impressed? i'm confused about how sucessful this piece is, i'm getting very mixed reviews, so i'm glad to her you think it's passable.
Thankyou very much for your comment once again
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I dont read the comments :/ My eyes go crazy if i read too much text on the monitor. But still, its more than passable. Its very nicely written and has many depths and hidden meanings. Very clever. I realllly like it.
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Thankyou very much
Its so nice to hear that some people like the way i write. i get so few page and poem views i was beginning to think that it was a big hint that i'm crap.
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nah, they just havent discovered you yet 
Still, you're not crap. trust me
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Aww, nice to know - thanks
Yeah, i should probably be a bit more social on DA. I just don't play so well with others. I'm getting the hang of it though
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i found this in the forums...but it won't let me post for some reason...
you said it was your first time writing a short story. the thing is, it isn't much of a "story" it is a prose piece or even a poem, but it doesn't have the things that would shout story...plot, characters, climax....
it'd make a much better poem than anything else although i kinda think you'd have to cut some stuff out or add more imagery to make it into a fucking awesome poem. especially during the bigger paragraphs.
honestly, its pretty good as a prose piece or poem...as a short story it kinda sucks.
--Mike
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I'm grateful for your comment and am interested in the fact you think it would be better as a poem - i might well change it to be so.
However, i would like to defend my structure.
I'm aware that this isn't strictly a short story, but more of a monologue, which isnt plot based but has a distinct charcter voice which should, if well written, convey the plot of the situation the charcter is in. Its so very probable that this isnt well written enough to even begin to do so and i apologise for that.
Also, i think that restricting short stories to the traditional navigation, complication, climax and resolution is not in the spirit of artist evolution, which i'm all for.
Thats my defense, but you like what you like and not what you don't.
Thanks for your time and comment, i really do appreciate it
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I stand by that the idea would make a very interesing poem, as would the language you used throughout the piece. Its just that it doesn't feel as if it falls under the category of a story....it just doesn't have all the pieces to make it into one. I don't mean that it makes it good or bad, because how you dealt with the topic was interesting, but as a "story" its lacking...as a prose piece...its really good.
i don't really want to harp on some technicality on what makes a story a story or prose prose...mostly because I'm not totally sure myself.
besides, the piece is much more important...
AND...as a poem, I think it'd be pretty good.
--Mike
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I definately see your point. I dont think it is technically any secure genre. But i put it in as a story because i'm telling the story of what i see to be one spilt second. I get why you disagree with that.
Another commenter said that this piece is poetic and carries the attitude of my poetry. As you are the second person to say this, i'm thinking maybe i could make a poem out of this. I'm growing quite attached to it though. Maybe one day
Thankyou again for your comments, you are very friendly in your criticism - i like that
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The closest I got was wondering if it was an old person bemoaong illness/death. To suggest the course of life there might need to be a greater feeling of change/transition -- as it is it seems from a single coherent perspective.
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I read this in writer's forum -- jope you come back there as we need more stories, bloody poems taking over the plcae. This story was interesting to read but you shouldn't have so many hard returns, just paragraph normally... at the end I was disappointed to still not know who was entering what kind of frey -- I was expecting something clever/meaningful to clear that up and give the context needed to make it... worthwhile.
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If you've read the otehr comments of mine here you will see the explanation of the meaning. Also, that i'm crap at getting my point across
Thanks for your time and comment
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Yeah, I ignore other comments, bad me. I read it on the forum and just put the comment here because the thread wuz closed.
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Ok, read the comment and see if the story it better/makes more sense with the explanation? thanks
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Woo! This poem's a bit popular innit? Wish I had such a followin!
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You deserve it more than me sweetness
GO SEE CARL NOW!
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Beautiful writing - the funny thing is with people who write both poetry and prose, the style is often very similar, and that's true of this. It feels very poetic, and I really like that - you've got some truly wonderful descriptions and words in here - great!
As for the metaphor, I vaguely had an inkling of what it might be about, but it was a little too vague for me... 
I absolutely love your writing - you honestly do just get better and better!
If you were planning on reworking the story then I suppose you could make the metaphor a little clearer, but I don't think it's necessary, to be honest. It might destroy the fragility and subtlety of the language you've already used, if you weren't careful (although I'm sure, of course, that you would be).
Anyway, this is my very long, rambling way of saying that I really, really like it, and a big well done 
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Like i say, reading it through again, it's not very clear.
Its about the point in your life when other people enter your life. When you are younger there is nothing but yourself and your own wants. As you grow older, people work their way into your life in good ways and bad. This is about the first reluant realisations of that.
Many sentences start with 'I' on purpose, to illistrate the self involved state of mind and social point. the weapons (protection, defence) remain nameless in order to state everyone deals with this part of life differently. the people trying to enter are only talked about by their 'skin' and 'murmurs'. this signifies the two close relationships of true friends and lovers, which at this point in life appear to be a weird concept.
I wont unpick the whole thing foryou, you are more than able to do that yourself.
does it make sense knowing that? or have i written drivel?
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ahh very nice. very very nice>
but yea, i think a few more subtle hints would be nice.
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yeah, i think one thing thats come of this is something i know already and deperately try to avoid - try to be less vauge
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heh but at least you already know. it's something that's hard to fix, because i tend to do it a lot, but knowing is half the battle! 
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Yeah, but it's nice to have some idea about the subject. but i agree. i think its going to be a painful thing to change my writing style, i've become quite attached to it...
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well don't change your style altogether! just add to it
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Now that you've explained it, not only does it make more sense (not that it didn't make sense before), but it also seems a much deeper and richer experience. Very good job, says I
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i want to say that this is written beautifully. it just flows so great from word to word, line to line. and the ending is awesome. but yes i have no idea what its supposed to be about. i had a few gueses when i first started reading it, but then i changed my mind (i had been thinking either maybe the author had just built a sand castle that about to be destroyed by the tide, or maybe some kind of animal, like a beaver in his dam)..it seems like it could be anything really so maybe u can give a few more subtle hints.
soo what is it really?! i'm dying to know!!!
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I think the thing with metaphors, is that unless you know specifically what the subject is about before you read it, it's damn near impossible to 'get'. It's my opinion that even the most like-minded will never be able to guess what the other has written in metaphor, unless they've been told. These are just one's own thoughts - no one will ever share the same identity with them.
Tot, like the first bloke said, I don't pretend to understand completely what you've written about. I do know however, that it is incredibly well written and almost in a silloquy sort of way. I could think of a thousand things to each sentence you've written which is a credit to your writing ability. It's fresh, uplifting and colloquial whilst not slangy. Excellent piece o' work.
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You are way too kind honey
No, i agree. re -reading it, there is no way people are going to get it, its too vague.
Thanks for you're comment though, i hope you aren't just being polite
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Very cool, I agree with badblokebob, it is almost like poetry. Has a lot of meaning.
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Aww, you commented! go chris! thanks hun
meaning - yes. but do you understand the meaning at all? I want to know, i need to know if i should be clearer...
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Good first attempt... check out the short stories in my gallery, I have a couple pieces up there that aren't driven by plot that you might find interesting.
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I'll go look coz god knows i need all the help i can get
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Heh cool, definitly don't mind getting the exposure myself, not many people seem to bother to read the poetry / prose entries
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no, no one really does, do they? I wonder why...?
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Takes longer than glancing at a picture and responding 'cool!' or something equally as ego-boosting yet useless as that
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hehe - this is true. us struggling poets who yearn for a little ego stroke go unnoticed, huh? bummer.
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Can't say I get what it's a metaphor for -_- but I'm sure it's me that's at fault there. The writing itself I like -- kinda like poetry in prose form, I guess, which is always nice.
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the metaphor isnt that clear, i wanted to know if anyone got it. so, strike one.
I'm glad you liked it - i was pretty sure no one would
thanks for reading and commenting
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