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orangetot — Fall
Published: 2003-10-03 11:05:18 +0000 UTC; Views: 121; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 19
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Description I’m allowed to be hurt
I’m allowed to be tired
I’m allowed to think back
To when we were small
With our spades and faith
And dug to the centre of the Earth.
Remember?

I’m racing out all of these creases
Staying ahead of whichever fate
That is weary of this chase.
As my sickness runs cold
And your time runs thin
Will you find that garden with me?

No use in forgiveness now
There’s no value in you being right
I don’t want to hear
Hopeless cold comforts in heated words.
Summer is to close to fading
And winter to close to rising
Now that we’re standing here
Do you remember it being so big?

For all I’ve ever asked
This is all I needed to know…
Would you take my hand dear
And fall?
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Comments: 11

TheOnlyrealMario [2004-01-30 03:44:39 +0000 UTC]

I like it alot, its nice

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to TheOnlyrealMario [2004-01-30 09:34:33 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, i work to please

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

badblokebob [2003-10-04 20:46:19 +0000 UTC]

I like it ... My brain seems to have switched off for the weekend, so I'm afraid you won't get much more than that. Though, it's good, so, y'know, maybe there isn't too much work needed (in my opinion).

I especially like this bit:

I'm allowed to think back
To when we were small
With our spades and faith
And dug to the centre of the Earth.

Sweet, clever imagery

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to badblokebob [2003-10-05 14:57:08 +0000 UTC]

Most people seemed to overlooked that bit, which is probably one of my favourite bits, so thanks

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

polyhymnia [2003-10-04 07:49:13 +0000 UTC]

I really like the last two stanzas especially, and I love the premise of the poem itself. If you want my honest opinion, I would say that you might get more effect by re-working the first 3 lines of the first 2 stanzas, just to make it a little stronger.

From a structural standpoint it looks great, and the only suggestion I would make, which you can take or leave as you see fit, because it's just another possibility which may work - the questions at the end of each stanza might work quite nicely as completely stand-alone lines, linking one stanza to the next, and placing extra emphasis on the pathos of those questions, for which you never get answers.

But I do like it, and I must say that the screenshot for this is brilliant - so simple and so effective. Great stuff

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to polyhymnia [2003-10-04 09:45:53 +0000 UTC]

I was going to use them as stand alone lines, but i thought everyone might be fed up of them by now.
I know this poem needs a lot of reworking, but i need to find my kick first. i lost it somewhere. if anyone finds it, can you please return it?
I'm trying out screen shots coz i figure i should do more to attract peoples attention. I dont pretend to be an artist, its just a fiddle in photoshop

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

polyhymnia In reply to orangetot [2003-10-04 17:47:15 +0000 UTC]

I dunno, I really like it! And yeah, screenshots are a great idea, I'm just lazy and apathetic so I stick with my old, faitful 'Polyhymnia's Poetry'

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

diddioz [2003-10-03 16:13:47 +0000 UTC]

this has a lot of cool lines, and i like where you're going with this. but i think u cna improve the flow, it seems it kinda chanbges styles almost every stanza. tie your piece together a lil better, but otherwise nice

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

orangetot In reply to diddioz [2003-10-04 09:47:27 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, thats nice to hear
It's interesting you say that...what stanza do you think has the best fitting style for the subject in your opinion?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

diddioz In reply to orangetot [2003-10-04 19:16:42 +0000 UTC]

i think i really like your first stanza the best, itz very unique..

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

orangetot In reply to diddioz [2003-10-04 09:47:09 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, thats nice to here
It's interesting you say that...what stanza do you think has the best fitting style for the subject in your opinion?

👍: 0 ⏩: 0