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orangetot — Quiet Dawn
Published: 2003-10-02 21:21:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 555; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 13
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Description On the darker side of this creation
I’ll stand
For the cold to chill me
And reach into my skin
And take what you’ve not taken
I’ll stand for you
Until dawn.

…I heard the sun sets differently now

In the world that I created
I’ll offer you
My warmth
To reach inside your skin
And take what I can
I’ll offer this to you
Until dawn

…See how good the sun sets here?

In this darkness I’ve been left in
I’ll lay here
Crying for all the missing pieces
Of me
Of you
Until dawn

…So differently…

               …Will there ever be a dawn?

…Love?
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Comments: 6

polyhymnia [2003-10-03 07:11:50 +0000 UTC]

I really like the presentation of this, and the way you've used repetition in the first two parts of the poem, and then used those ideas but twisted them for the last part - very creative

The only quibble I have is: "And take what you’ve not took" - shouldn't the last word be 'taken' rather than 'took'?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to polyhymnia [2003-10-03 08:32:51 +0000 UTC]

Ask paul - i originally had 'what you have not taken'. he changed it...maybe i should change it a little *goes to do it*
Thanks for your comment, you know i always appreciate it

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

ost2life [2003-10-02 22:23:04 +0000 UTC]

I deffinatly think that chosing an ending that provides a glimer of hope works better than the one you were going for, even if it did betray the original motives behind it.
the format is of course a clear winner as I said. it just occured that the last stanza still sounds a little formulaicdunno how to fix it though

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to ost2life [2003-10-03 08:36:30 +0000 UTC]

yeah - how dare you mess with my head and try to implant hope?!
I must admit, after all you've said, i'm suprised you didnt like my finality. i thought thats what you wanted me to have...mind you just coz i would've written it, doesnt mean i'd have felt it.
Anyway, i've become attached to it now so unless i get a blindingly beautiful idea, its staying as is.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

bluecube [2003-10-02 21:40:05 +0000 UTC]

I love the poem, and it's cool you are trying out presentation methods. I like it!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to bluecube [2003-10-02 21:46:10 +0000 UTC]

I try. I'm almost certain i'm failing with the presentation, but maybe one day...

👍: 0 ⏩: 0