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orangetot — Solo
Published: 2003-08-20 09:03:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 98; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 9
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Description
I can't hear you in this silence,I can't see you in this bright light,
I can't calm you in this stillness,
Anything but touch you in this closeness,
But dear...
...Please don't forgive me
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Comments: 5
I agree, it sounds like it has potential. Like you say in your journal entry, what it's referring to isn't especially clear -- perhaps it'd work better if it were a little clearer? I don't mean spell it out so it's blatant, but perhaps give readers a little more to work with? Just a suggestion -- 'vague' poems can work well, as the reader can project themselves onto them more.
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I know, i struggle with the audience relation part of poetry. I'd tried to add and take away so many parts of this poem, but in the end the intitial feeling that this is the product of had is value lessened. I hate to change the words that i felt i had to write at the time because i think these are the truest, but i know i have to be clearer. comprimise is the answer.
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I agree wholeheartedly about not re-writing poems when the feelings have died -- it can majorly lessen the effect. The only time I change old poems is if I re-read it and think of a better word for something, or similar little changes like that. It's the emotion that matters, I find, and if you re-write without that emotion you'll more than likely lose the effect.
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hmm... don't scrap it yet. but i think this one might be better as a long piece. like maybe 3 or 4 stanzas with the same idea, all ending with please don't forgive me. (THIS IS JUST AN IDEA BY THE WAY) and then maybe your last line would be 'please forgive me'... just totally an idea, you can forget what i said. but either way i think this has potential. work on it some more. and by the way, "dear" actually works well here!
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As it happens, this piece had its place in two other longer poems that i scrapped - one as you described and one that one in a free form format. I might try the idea out again one day, but for now i think i'll leave it - working on this piece as frustrating right now. I'm glad you say 'dear' works here, i thought it sounded good.
I think this piece is missing a certain kick....oh well
Thanks for the comment and suggestion
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