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orangetot — Your Hand in Mine
Published: 2004-05-11 16:01:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 521; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 95
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Description I was red.
Sometimes. It depended how the lighting staff felt. I stood in a crowd, three hundred strong, here to listen, here to observe, but not all the same thing.
The man sitting by the speakers, left of the stage, had his eyes closed. He saw his defining moment. He saw his wife and child and home with a spare room and an office. He saw his car and his work desk that held a picture of his dying mother. He saw himself at his 18th birthday, singing drunkenly, sickly yet happily down the main city roads and becoming a man. This defined him. I disagreed. But I don’t think he was concerned.

I was blue.
A woman ordered a brandy and coke. The small colourful girl behind the bar nodded and left her. She closed her eyes. She felt his mouth against hers, her hands tight on his, his body matching hers, stride for stride. And he was not the man she would go home with tonight, who was standing beside her. She felt that defined her. So did I. Neither of us knew to what end or extend.

I was green.
I closed my eyes. I felt the music like damp feathers on my skin and harmless wasps in my throat and stomach. I rested on the man next to me, who never minds, who hasn’t closed his eyes. I clung to his arm and rested by his neck and tried to find my definition. It wouldn’t come and suddenly I am the damp feathers and I am the wings neatly wounding my body from the inside out. He kissed my head and the band left the stage.
They didn’t return.

I was yellow.
I wanted to be known by something else but colour. Something else but cold as we walked. Something else but impatient while we stopped and started. Something else but nervous as we get home. Something else by morning.
He never closes his eyes and I am calm. I am in light. In darkness. Defined.
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Comments: 16

DisturbedEntity [2004-07-04 01:21:23 +0000 UTC]

Ok, I am about to try and comment on prose. This could be disastrous.

You have a great way with words (from reading some of your other stuff too), you get the feeling across perfectly. This is one of the best pieces of prose I have read on DA, much luff for this.

That's about all my tired brain can think of to say, but I love it.

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x3n [2004-06-15 00:37:23 +0000 UTC]

i really like the style of this piece of writing. i like the way each difference colours identifies with different emotions and feelings and thoughts. like ctyle said, it does remind me a lot of chuck and his stlye. i like it and i can identify with it a lot also. very moving

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orangetot In reply to x3n [2004-06-15 19:23:28 +0000 UTC]

Glad you liked it - i worry about the quality of my prose, so this makes me smile

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shackell [2004-05-16 22:10:32 +0000 UTC]

This is good (Quite good!), but it seems to rely too much upon the stating of colours as a creative motif. Perhaps they were. in some way, related to a quality of the sense of contemporary life you convey? It's a good way to start, thought, specifically the way you do in the first bit. However, when you drop any use of at least one terse short line in the last few paragraphs, I feel a little too caught up in the details of that paragraph for that motif to be effective when you touch revisit it and then later when you hit the last nail at the end.

"It wouldn’t come and suddenly I am the damp feathers and I am the wings neatly wounding my body from the inside out."

I think my bad-teen-angst-o-trometer goes off when I read this kind of stuff. I sense something wrong with "neatly wounding", but I could just be prejudiced. Also, the mentioning of "suddenly" doesn't really seem to fit here. It's much too like "And, then, just because I say so..."

...Bah, I'm just a grisly misanthrope. What do I know?

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orangetot In reply to shackell [2004-05-16 22:31:02 +0000 UTC]

First things first - 'Neatly wounding' is NOT a reference to self harm. my god, it couldnt be more wrong. i will find something to replace that phrase, i dont want anyone thinking the same. i didnt see it myself, and i can see how its very easily misinterpreted. thankyou for pointing it out.

I see what you mean about the understatement of motif or maybe the overstatement of fact. The only reason that i am relunctant to change this is because it's non-fiction. However i do use the same device in my fiction and i will pay closer attention to the use.

thankyou very much for you time and comment

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shackell In reply to orangetot [2004-05-17 02:24:32 +0000 UTC]

Your welcome. Remember, though, it's not truth that makes non-fiction well written.

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orangetot In reply to shackell [2004-05-17 10:17:24 +0000 UTC]

no, i know, its genre really isnt the issue. But i just can bring myself to change it- thats probably a sign of a bad writer :/

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shackell In reply to shackell [2004-05-16 22:12:09 +0000 UTC]

<--*forgot to proofread*

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undulate [2004-05-11 23:56:13 +0000 UTC]

i'm feeling this and being this. i like the repitition and the cadence.

ed again.

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orangetot In reply to undulate [2004-05-12 10:25:29 +0000 UTC]

Thankyou so much

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cyberyt [2004-05-11 21:57:08 +0000 UTC]

This is quite the awesome.

Only because i can identify with it, in parts.

Cool cool.

(i suckj at commenting on literature and prose.)

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nytrix [2004-05-11 17:46:36 +0000 UTC]

This is incredible. The words are so passionate and romantic. You have such a way with words.

I can't understand why you would think this is bad. You're so passionate, so intriguing. This piece was very detailed and I love the style you used.

And yes, I am being brutally honest.

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blackice [2004-05-11 16:14:34 +0000 UTC]

you know how bad i am at commenting...but i love this.

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orangetot In reply to blackice [2004-05-11 16:24:32 +0000 UTC]



Thankyou...

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ctyle [2004-05-11 16:10:23 +0000 UTC]

Wow, that's really awesome, you have a real knack with words.
In my opinion you seem to have a variation on a minimalist style of writing, strikes me as slightly Chuck Palahniuk or Amy Hempel,
it's really cleverly written and the prominant recurring themes really show how you feel.

Really good work!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

orangetot In reply to ctyle [2004-05-11 16:14:13 +0000 UTC]

Chuck Palahniuk?! You flatter me sir!
Thankyou for taking the time to read

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