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This is a story that show’s Levi’s POV from the story “What Did I Do Wrong, Corporal?” I had this requested a really long time ago from StardustRoad (it’s been somewhere between 2-3 years). Please also go read the original story!

I also want to point out that there are certain things Levi says about himself that you may not agree with. Sometimes we are our own worst critics, and so Levi is stating what he thinks of himself, not what’s true.

Erwin and I were arguing. I know, that’s not really like us. The two of us had been yelling and glaring at each other for at least an hour now. I can’t even remember what had started the argument, or how it had derailed into the stupidity that it was currently. Normally I wouldn’t even bother with something like this, but I guess even I have days where I do things I normally wouldn’t.

“I TOLD YOU, ERWIN! MY LOVE LIFE IS PRIVATE! WHETHER I LIKE SOMEONE OR NOT, IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!”

Erwin slammed his hands on the table, roaring out, “I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME EVERYTHING! NOW YOU’RE KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME?!”

“WHAT ARE YOU, MY MOTHER?!” I screamed back. I heard a snort from the side of the room and glared at the person who was trying to suppress their laughter and failing miserably. Hanji had her hand covering her mouth and was gripping the arm of the chair she was sitting on. But I wasn’t finished with Erwin.

I turned back to him and yelled, “BESIDES, WHAT’S WITH THE DOUBLE STANDARD?! HOW ABOUT YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOU?!” His eyes turned wide and I just sat down, taking a breath to calm myself, which honestly wasn’t working well. Then I crossed my arms and said, “Knowing you, you’ve been so busy with your work you haven’t even looked at another human being like that in years.”

The next thing I knew, Erwin blurted out, “As a matter of fact, I have a girlfriend!” I narrowed my eyes. I knew his type, and there was no one in the military who fit it, and Erwin had just as little interactions with people from outside the military as I did.

“Is that so? Who is it?”

“_________.”

I felt my heart stop. “What did you say?”

“[Full Name] is my girlfriend,” Erwin repeated. I felt all strength leave my body, and I felt lucky that I was sitting down already. “_________, is it? Why is it that I’ve never seen you two together before?” I questioned.

“We only got together really recently,” he answered.

I wondered if he was doing this on purpose. Did he somehow figure out that I liked her? Was he using that information and lying to me just so he could win the argument? Did they actually get together?

I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I grit my teeth, trying not to start yelling at him again. “I see,” I finally muttered.

I got up and left. I didn’t bother saying good night. As I walked back to my room, a cool night breeze brushed past me through an open window, and I felt something I’d never felt before.

Jealousy.

And I hated it.

The next day started off normally. I got my three hours of sleep before I went to do some training. Then I showered and began working on the paperwork for the day. A few hours later, I heard several people moving around outside my office, indicating people were now awake and heading to breakfast. I didn’t feel hungry today, so I just decided to skip breakfast.

A few hours later, I got up and took a few documents that Erwin needed to look over to his office. I noticed ___________ cleaning the hallway opposite the direction I was heading. I stood a moment to watch her before I continued on my way.

I opened Erwin’s office door without bothering to knock. Erwin simply glanced up at me and smiled. “Good morning, Levi. You missed breakfast again today.”

“Yeah. I wasn’t hungry.”

“You should really start getting in the habit of eating breakfast, Levi. Or food for that matter. You don’t eat enough for what you do.”

I simply gave him the documents. “These,” I said, gesturing to the top three files, “Are the documents for military efficiency you asked me to look at for the cadets and squad leaders here. The two below are the ones that deal with the interior pigs. The rest are recommendations for the next expedition outside the walls.” Erwin cocked up an eyebrow and sighed. “How many hours did you sleep this time?”

“Enough,” I muttered. He looked at me, waiting for a proper answer. I confessed, “Three.” He shook his head. “Goodness, Levi.” He took a moment to quickly glance through all the documents before nodding. “Levi, I expect to see you today for lunch. I’ll even officially introduce you to __________.”

I grit my teeth and walked out. I walked back to my office, not bothering to look at her right after Erwin said that.

Lunchtime eventually rolled around. I normally would have skipped it again, but unfortunately for me, Hanji decided skipping wasn’t an option and burst into my office shouting, “LUNCHTIME SHORT STUFF!” and grabbed my arm and pulled me to the mess hall before I had the chance to tell her to leave me alone.

Lunch was what it normally was: potatoes and bread. I sat with Erwin and Hanji, and the two of them talked as I just sat there and listened. I shoved a few bites of potato into my mouth and chewed slowly. Suddenly, Erwin looked up and called out, “_________!” He was looking past me and had a big smile on his face.

__________ came toward us, standing before Erwin and smiling, but I wasn’t watching her very closely. I felt like if I did, I’d end up doing something that made me look like an idiot.

“Hey Erwin, how was your day?” she asked, sitting down next to him. I glanced up at her briefly before taking a bite of my bread. “Not too bad. Too much paperwork. I’m getting too old for this,” Erwin responded. I heard her giggle, and the grip on my fork tightened slightly.

I was looking down at my own food when I heard her say, “Here Erwin, say ‘ah,’” and I looked up to see her feeding him. Watching the girl I like being so lovey-dovey with someone else made me feel sick. She was blushing as she fed him, and he was smiling.

“So,” I said. They both turned to look at me, and I saw Hanji glance at me too. “I see Erwin was telling the truth when he said you two were dating.”

She smiled and nodded. “Yes sir. As you can see, we’re very happy with each other.”

“Hmmmm…” I watched them, and I wondered what Erwin had that I didn’t. What attracted her to him? So I asked, “What do you like about him?”

Honestly, I felt pretty certain that I didn’t want to hear her answer. Facing the facts felt like I was resigning myself to fully realizing that I had no chance with her. But all the same, I also did want to hear it.

She seemed to think a moment before saying, “Well, I love how kind he is.” I grit my teeth. I already lost on that one. I’m not kind. She continued to say, “He’s smart, and he’s always been really good to me.” I gripped my fork even tighter. I’m smart too, but I’ve never had the chance to interact with her outside a professional setting. I had to do my job, and that didn’t leave a lot of space for me to be particularly good to her. She finally finished, saying, “I just love a man who has confidence in himself and knows his priorities, like Erwin does.” I had confidence in spades, but priorities were another issue. I just followed Erwin. I did what he wanted me to do.

Erwin hugged her and chuckled. “Isn’t she the cutest thing, Levi?” I wasn’t looking at them anymore, but I heard her giggle again.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt sick from jealousy. Anger, sadness, and everything else swirled within me, but jealousy was the top of it all. If I stayed there, I was going to end up doing something that might actually hurt them. I needed to get away to clear my head. But the way they were acting made me sick and jealous, so I stood up and slammed my hands on the table. _________ jumped. I suppose she wasn’t expecting that from me, but I glared at her and Erwin before telling them exactly how I felt in that moment. I yelled at them, “I’m leaving. You two make me sick! Next time you’re around me, don’t make me want to puke up the contents of my stomach because of your mushy love-sick idiocy!” I turned and left. I accidentally closed the doors too roughly, and I heard them slam loudly behind me, but I didn’t care.

The jealousy was making me feel sick, and so I ran outside and leaned again the wall. I leaned over and tried to breathe. I honestly didn’t feel good. I heard footsteps coming up behind me, so I ducked behind the adjacent wall and watched who was passing by. _________ briskly walked by me, not noticing my presence. I only got a glimpse of her face, and it was still a bit flushed.

I watched carefully as she walked towards the dorms. Is she missing training? I wondered. I watched her for a moment longer before I leaned my head back and ended up sitting on the ground. I then put my head on top of my knees and briefly curled into a ball. Now that I was calm, I realized what I had said to them. I hadn’t wanted to hurt them, but the words I’d said ran through my head, and I realized that, more than likely, I had done just that. I shifted my position so my knees were digging into my eyes, and I gripped my legs with my arms, just trying to calm myself.

I’m such an idiot. I thought. I heard more footsteps and voices, so I quickly got up, dusted myself off, and walked back into the building. I tried to clear my head. What’s done is done. They’ll probably forget all about it in a few hours, I tried to reason with myself. I guess I had a scary expression on my face, because the cadets seemed to run out of my way more quickly than usual. Or maybe it’s just my face. Whatever, it worked for me.

I walked into my office, sat in my chair, leaned back, and sighed. I needed to keep this jealousy under control. I’m a full-grown man. I shouldn’t be letting my emotions take over so easily. I looked up at the ceiling and thought, Erwin is your friend, and _______ is the girl you like. Be happy for them that they’re happy. Although I had yet to convince myself, I wretched my thoughts away. I had work to do.

The rest of the day went by without incident. I got up the next morning and went through my usual routine. I realized I was missing a document that I needed to retrieve from Mike, so I quickly went to his room. On the way, I heard voices.

“Good morning… honey,” ________’s voice called out from the other hallway.

“Good morning _________,” Erwin’s voice replied. I rounded the corner on my way to Mike’s office and saw the two hugging each other.

Before I even knew what I was doing, I called out, “Oi! No public displays of affection you two imbeciles!” The two pulled apart – well, ________ looked more like she had jumped out of her skin – and looked at me. _________ quickly saluted, and her face was slightly pale, like she’d seen a ghost. I studied her face for a moment, wanting to make sure she wasn’t sick, but she looked fine. I turned to face Erwin and felt angry. I growled out, “Of all people you should be more careful, eyebrows. You need to remember that you have a duty to the entire army before your girlfriend.”

“Of course Levi. I know that,” Erwin nodded. I huffed and walked away, but I realized that I never wanted to see those to so romantic again. It just kept serving as a reminder that _______ wasn’t mine. So I called out, “If you’re going to make out, do it in private. That’s one thing I don’t need to see!”

I rounded the next corner and kept walking. I just wanted to do my work and try to forget everything. Was that so much to ask for?

I walked into Mike’s office and asked for the documents. As he handed them over to me, he sniffed and said, “Levi, is there something bothering you?”

“No.”

He studied me and put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry so much about her. I’m sure she’ll come to understand your feelings one day.”

“It’s better if she doesn’t.”

He smiled and pushed me out the door, as if shooing me away. “I’m sure it’ll be better if she does.”

Walking away, I sighed. “Great, all my friends are so cryptic.”

I guess this went on for approximately a month, but it felt so much longer to me. I couldn’t stand to be around her. I hated how her smile would never be for me, and I disliked being reminded of that. So I tried to get her to stay away from me. I did my best to avoid her for a little bit, but in our small area, I could only really stay away if she also stayed away. I insulted her to keep her away, but then I would always regret it seeing how hurt she looked. I told her one thing, and she looked like I’d just slapped her in the face. I wanted to apologize, but honestly didn’t have the strength for it. Not because I’m against apologizing, but because I was sure she’d demand an explanation for my behaviour, and I just couldn’t explain to her that I was saying things I didn’t mean because I was jealous. I had a position in the military to uphold. I had to be a symbol of power. I couldn’t just tell her my emotions were getting the better of me.

So every night, I would sit in my room and look out the window. I saw the moon and wondered what Farlan and Isabel would say about my behaviour. They’d probably tell me to just tell her. I wondered if I should pull her aside and apologize in secret, but I felt that with my recent behaviour, she’d only feel more scared being in the same room as me without anyone else.
I was stuck in a loop that’d I’d created. I apologized to the air, where no one but I could hear it. It almost seemed to echo.

After a month or so, __________ and Erwin broke up. I didn’t really understand what happened. They’d seemed so happy together. I couldn’t help but feel my actions had maybe put a rift between them, which only made me feel a bit guilty.

But more importantly, I realized that this meant that she was free to choose someone else. I’d already seen her with someone, so there was no saying if she’d find another. The thought was worse than losing her to Erwin.

I really am the worst person.

One day I heard someone yelling and shouting. It sounded like Eren and Jean were fighting again. Being the only leader in the area, I sighed when I realized it was my job to say something to them and discipline them if necessary.

I walked up and heard Eren laughing. “Naw. It’s my fault that I didn’t listen to you. We’re cool.” My initial thought was maybe he and Jean finally learned to cooperate. At that moment I turned the corner and saw ________ and Eren sitting on the ground. _________ had her hand on Eren’s shoulder and they were laughing, while Jean was watching with his arms crossed.

Once again, my mouth began to speak before my brain had a chance to tell it to shut up.
“Jaeger! [Last Name]!” I called out. They both jumped up and saluted. “Yes, sir!” they exclaimed. I was feeling angry again. No, not angry. Jealous. I watch their movements carefully and tried to keep my voice as calm as possible, but I’m sure it came out as an angry growl instead.

“What are you doing?”

_______ quickly spoke up. “Jean and Eren were fighting, so I had to make them stop, sir! I accidentally ended up pushing Eren onto the ground, so I needed to make sure he was not injured, sir!”

I walked up to her. She looked too well for someone who had just ended a relationship. I was now not just jealous, but angry too. Did Erwin mean so little to her? Had she just been fooling us all?
I growled into her ear, “You just broke up with Erwin and it seems to me that it hasn’t affected you much at all, Cadet [l/n]. In fact, you look quite cozy with Jaeger.”

“Wha-“ she began, but I already had enough of this. “Jaeger! Stable duty! Now! [l/n]! Clean the entire castle from top to bottom! Don’t stop for anything! No food and no sleep until you get my permission! Go!”

She turned to Eren and mouthed what seemed to be “I’m sorry” and then ran off. I also watched Eren run off after glaring at Jean and muttering “horse face” under his breath. I turned to Jean and told him “Wipe that smirk off your face. You’re not getting off easy either. You’re going to go polish all the equipment, including blades and knives. And I mean ALL the equipment. That means kitchen equipment too. Go.” He gulped, saluted, and ran.

I walked into my office and everything I’d done suddenly came back to me. With the jealousy and anger subsided, I realized I’d been far too strict again. I hit my face against my desk a few times, muttering “What’s wrong with me?” over and over.

“A child…. I was jealous of a child.” Then I just let my head rest on my desk. If anyone walked in, that would be quite the sight. Corporal Levi with his head against his desk and, if I looked up, a red bump on his forehead.

“I hate myself,” I muttered. “It’s official.”

Half an hour later, I finally managed to force myself to get back to work. I ended up working until about two in the morning. Finally, I decided I should at least try to sleep. As I walked through the halls I saw _________. She was still sluggishly pushing the mop across the floor. She looked exhausted. I then realized that I told her not to rest until she was done. I instantly felt awful. My jealousy had forced her into this, and she still had a full day ahead of her tomorrow. No one deserves this kind of punishment just because I can’t control my emotions.

“__________,” I said, walking up slowly to not startle her. She looked at me with sleep and exhaustion written all over her face. She stood up and saluted. “Good even- no wait… Good morning, sir.” I looked at her and sighed. “You may finish up tomorrow. Go to bed, cadet.” She smiled with relief, and the next thing I knew, she had fallen onto the ground. I heard a loud BANG! as she hit the floor. I blinked, not entirely sure what had just happened. I looked at her and she was breathing heavily.

I realized she had fallen asleep as soon as I’d given her permission to do so. She must have been more than just exhausted. But the realization that she’d just fallen over was so funny that I leaned against the wall and had to cover my mouth so that I wouldn’t laugh out loud. The last thing I needed was to wake her up, although I doubted it would happen.

The scene I hadn’t truly processed repeated itself in my head. She had just dropped like a log. I found that hilarious. After my initial laughter had died down, I leaned down and picked her up. Let’s say it’s not easy lifting someone who’s essentially dead weight.

I looked at her face and smiled. “You’re very hardworking, aren’t you, _________?” I chuckled and walked her back to her dorm. I knocked on the door, hoping someone was awake so that I didn’t have to just walk into the girls’ dormitory while they were sleeping. Mikasa opened the door, her eyes still half asleep. She saw ________ in my arms, rolled her eyes, and wordlessly took her from me. I nodded to her, she nodded back, and I left.

The next morning was, once again, the same routine. Get up, train, shower, and then do paperwork until either I feel hungry enough to eat something, or I need to go and exchange documents or need to speak with someone else. It’s usually one of the latter.

Surprisingly, for once I felt hungry enough to eat breakfast today. I contemplated just not going because I didn’t want to deal with other people at the moment, but hunger won out and I decided I needed to eat.

I was lost in thought as I walked through the halls. I wasn’t actually thinking of anything in particular. I was just lost in my own mind. Then I glanced up and stopped. I grit my teeth as I realized ________ was holding Reiner and Bertholdt in a hug. The two froze as they saw me. A moment later, _________ turned to also look at me.

As was becoming my bad habit whenever I felt jealous, I began speaking before my brain had a chance to think. “What is this, cadet [l/n]?” I asked.

“They-“ she began, but my mouth was apparently not done running.

“You really know how to manipulate men, don’t you [l/n].” Even to me, that felt more like a statement more than a question. “People like you really piss me off.” Even in that moment, I could tell I had gone too far. Not only that, I was lying through my teeth since I loved people like her – or her more specifically.

“Wha-“ she began to ask, but apparently my mouth decided I wasn’t done yet.

“Enough! Go eat your breakfast! I don’t want you cleaning these hallways and contaminating them!” I felt my heart nearly stop when I heard those words come out of my mouth. But when I saw the tears forming in her eyes as she stood up and saluted before running away, it definitely stopped.
I looked at the other two and just glared at them. They just stood up, saluted, and ran off after her. There, I was alone in the hallway. I leaned against the wall and slid to the ground.
“I’m not just an idiot. I’m utterly hopeless,” I muttered to myself. I leaned my head back and dug my palms into my eyes. Mentally, I was screaming at myself.

You idiot! How could you say that to her! Oh yeah, telling her she’s dirty and contaminating anything. Sure, that’s the absolute BEST way to get her to like you back! Oh no, please go on. Maybe next time tell her that she’s ugly too. Yeah, then I’m SURE she’ll like you back! ARE YOU AN ABSOLUTE IDIOT?! STOP SAYING THINGS YOU DON’T MEAN! AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

“Levi?” I looked up and saw Hanji staring at me, obviously concerned. I had been so busy with my mental tantrum that I hadn’t even noticed her coming.

“Did you screw up again?” she asked. She was obviously not mocking me. She seemed sad for me. I growled at her, “I don’t need your pity.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Hn.”

“Levi-“

“Look,” I said. I looked at her, trying to keep my face as neutral as possible, but I guess she could understand I was just trying to keep myself together. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

She leaned beside me and put a comforting hand on my arm. “Ok, but let me just say, you really need to get some control over yourself. If this continues, you’ll definitely lose any chance you have with her.”

“Yeah, because my chances are so high right now as they are, right?” I sarcastically bit out. She sighed and got up. Dusting herself off, she said, “I’ll bring you something to eat to your office.”

She began walking away.

“Thanks….” I muttered under my breath.

“You’re welcome!” she called over her shoulder. She knew I didn’t want to be near _________ right now. After she’d found out that I liked her a little while back, she had suddenly understood my actions a lot better. But of course, she also thought I was a complete idiot. Whatever, so do I.

About a week later I was overseeing the cadets’ training. I don’t know why I was put on this job, but I swore Erwin had found out about my feelings for ___________ and was messing with me.

I won’t mess up today. I won’t mess up today. These thoughts ran through my mind on a constant loop as I watched the cadets. Every time, my eyes would linger on her for a moment before I could remind myself to keep watching the other cadets too.

I suddenly realized a lot of people near __________ and Connie were watching them. All I saw was Connie getting off of _______, and that already made me very uncomfortable. But I held my ground, thinking to myself: I won’t lose control this time. I am a grown man, and I have control over my actions.

They were laughing, and since my arms were crossed, I began digging my nails into the sleeves of my jacket. I bit down on my lip a bit.

I will not let my stupid, stupid jealousy get the better of me. I had every intention of keeping that oath. I took a deep breath and rationally realized that whatever they were talking about seemed to be distracting the other cadets around them. I quickly checked myself to make sure I wasn’t thinking irrationally due to jealousy, and when I noted that I was fine, I internally smirked, thinking that I finally had some semblance of control.

I began walking towards them intending to just let them know they were a distraction and they should try to keep working on their combat training. However, now that I was closer, I could finally hear what they were saying. All I heard was when ___________ giggled and said, “Connie Springer! You’re the best friend anyone can ask for!”

My mind froze. Suddenly, all the control I had maintained all of training seemed to fly out the proverbial window. I saw that Connie had paled considerably once he noticed my expression, and he muttered something under his breath to her. When his eyes met mine, I found that I was suddenly storming towards the two of them. My mind was hazy and not thinking straight – wow, such a surprise.

_________ turned to see me stomping towards her, and I narrowed my eyes at her, feeling both angry and jealous. She seemed scared as she watched me approach, but at the moment, my mind wasn’t working well enough to really understand that.

I balled my hands into fists and looked at her. “You. You’re really starting to get on my nerves, [l/n].” I told her that her punishment for slacking off and fooling around with another cadet, as well as distracting those around her, was for her to keep running around the military compound until I told her she could stop.

I made sure Connie was well away from her, telling him that he was to clean all the bathrooms in the castle.

By the time my mind was clear enough to think, a pit had formed in my stomach. I had lost control again, and I hated myself for it. I decided that _________ had been running enough and went to tell her.

I got there just in time to see her collapse onto the ground. I started running towards her, worried that she’d overexerted herself. She got up, moved about two steps, before she collapsed again. I finally arrived and kneeled down next to her.

She was out cold. I repositioned her body so it could take in as much oxygen as possible. I was worried that she might not be able to breathe properly, or maybe that she had injured herself when she collapsed.

And it was all my fault for making her do this.

I picked her up and ran to the infirmary. I kicked the door open and, not caring about the glare one of the nurses gave me, I put __________ down on one of the open beds. A nurse ran over and began looking her over. She asked me what happened.

Looking at _________, I swallowed and said as neutrally as possible, “I told her to run laps around the entire compound until I told her she could stop. When I went to tell her to stop, I guess I waited too long, because she collapsed before I could tell her.”

The nurse seemed like she wanted to say something, but my face must have scared her because she just turned around and began examining __________. After a few minutes she said, “It looks like there’s nothing wrong with her. She’s just exhausted.” She looked at me and added, “If you want, you can sit on that chair-“ she pointed to a chair pushed up against a wall, “and wait for her to wake up.”

I nodded, grabbed the chair, and sat down next to __________’s bed. The nurse sighed and walked away.

Hanji eventually came by to see how both _________ and I were doing.

“How did you know I was here, four-eyes?” I growled. She rolled her eyes and told me, “It’s not hard when there are cadets whispering about how they saw you running like a mad-mad towards the infirmary holding a female cadet.”

“Hn.”

“You really are an idiot, aren’t you?”

“Hn.”

She was quiet for a moment before she asked me that same question again. “Did you screw up again?” This time, I felt like I had gone too far too many times, and I owed someone an explanation.

“I’m really terrible at this, aren’t I?” I muttered. Hanji nodded. She wasn’t her overly enthusiastic self, meaning she was taking this as seriously as I wanted her to. She sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at __________.

“You are just about the most awkward person I’ve ever met in my life,” she said. I rolled my eyes and turned away. There was silence before Hanji sighed. “Levi, what do you want to do?”

“I want my stupid mouth to stop running me into a pit of self-hate and pity by saying things I don’t mean before my slow brain can process what’s going on,” I said, growling at her. Hanji looked to face me.

“Levi, as your friend, let me tell you that you’re being a real jerk to her.”

“Oh wow, give the crazy one a prize.” I replied sarcastically. “She’s telling me something I obviously hadn’t realized on my very own.”

“Levi!” she growled. I looked her in the eyes and told her, “I want to stop.”

“But?”

I sighed and pushed my bangs out of my face. “I’ve really hit rock bottom if I’m actually talking to you.”

“No, you’ve hit rock bottom when you talk to anyone,” Hanji corrected. I glared at her and she smirked back.

“I meant what I said earlier,” I said, trying to stay on topic.

“That you’ve hit rock bottom? Because I think we both established that,” Hanji countered.

“No, I mean when I said I wish my mouth would stop running before my brain knows what I’m doing.” She didn’t say anything and I continued. “I keep trying to keep control. You know me, I’m usually really good at keeping my feeling in check.”

“Yeah, in my opinion, a little too well.”

“Anyway,” I said, not bothering to grace her with an answer. “I keep telling myself to not lose control. But every single time any happens with her, I just lose it. I get jealous, I get angry, and before I know what I’m doing, I’m insulting her.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Of course I do. What kind of a question is that?”

She said nothing before sighing and standing up. “Levi, all I can say is that you need to do something about this. I don’t know what, but it’s going to end up eating away at you and hurting her, until one of you snap.” Then she left.

I thought about all that had transpired over the past while, and I only slowly grew angrier at myself. She had never done a single thing wrong, but my own lack of control was hurting her. As each thing that I had said to her began to go through my brain, I felt more and more like screaming.

Suddenly, ___________ shifted and opened her eyes. I got up and looked at her. Her eyes seemed to focus, and she saw me. I was still so angry at myself, and I guess it showed on my face because she looked pretty scared. I didn’t want to put her through any more than I had to, but I wanted to tell her she had me worried.

“You really know how to make me worry, don’t you [l/n]?” And then I left. I didn’t want to hear anything or say anything else.

I swear I must have sat in my office for at least four hours that evening just berating myself for my actions and words. I only got angrier and angrier as I kept thinking about it. Finally, I placed my head on my desk and sighed. “This is getting me nowhere, and I’m more than sure that I should be trying to get some sleep.

Sleep proved futile that night as the guilt that had been building up kept me awake for a while.
The rest of the next three months seemed to prove to me that I was only getting worse. I found myself trying to avoid __________ as best as I could because I didn’t want to hurt her anymore just because I was jealous. But I swear fate had it in for me, because not only did I keep running into her regardless of my efforts, but I always found her in situations that made me jealous. Whenever I saw her, my wish to keep her away from other potential lovers became so strong that I began saying things I didn’t want to say.

I just wanted peace. Peace within my own mind, peace in her life, and peace between us. But instead, she was always just minding her own business when I saw her and my brain would shut down. No matter what I did, I always seemed to find a way to get jealous over absolutely nothing, and my want to keep her for myself went into hyperdrive.

She’s being a good friend and soldier by helping Jean clean the stables? Suddenly I realize I’ve told her not to eat dinner.

Reading books with Armin in her free time? I have her dust all the shelves in the library.

Hanging out with Mike? I give her my own paperwork to do, and to top it off, I isolate her in my office.

I was getting tired. My own guilt ate away at me, and I began to feel more and more stressed about being anywhere near her for fear of doing something stupid and unnecessarily mean. It was about three months after she and Erwin broke up, however, when I guess she finally snapped.

I was eating dinner with a few of the squad leaders in the mess hall. They didn’t care that I wasn’t actively participating in their conversations. They knew I was listening and would say something if I really wanted to.

I looked over at __________ and then back down at my food. I tried to not see anything she was doing, but it was difficult. My stress was more than evident to myself and anyone who knew me well enough.

I ended up continually glancing her way, only to try to rip my eyes away. I saw her friends fussing over her for some reason or another, and I was glaring at them.

No, stop. I told myself and stabbed some of my food with my fork. I gripped my hand in a fist, trying to keep myself in check. Don’t do anything stupid. I noticed a few cadets looking at me warily, but the squad leaders just ignored me since they felt I was just in a bad mood.

I was also worried about _________ because I’d heard she’d caught a cold. Mike told me earlier that day. All day I had been successful at avoiding ________, but I ended up hearing that. I wanted to do something for her, but I knew my presence would more than likely just stress her out more.

I was mostly done my food when I happened to glance up again. What I saw had a little voice in the back of my head screaming “Don’t look at it!” but all rational thought had, once again, abandoned me.

___________ was leaning on Eren, most likely because she was tired because of her cold. But of course my eyes, which had flipped a switch to full-blown jealousy mode, only saw her cuddling with Eren. Before anyone with any amount of logical thought could stop me, I got up and stormed over to them.

I quickly grabbed ________ by the shoulder and began shaking her awake. She screamed and half jumped, have tumbled backwards, tripping on her chair and crashing to the floor. She shook her head and looked up at me. She went pale. I guessed, somewhere in the back of my mind, that I must have looked pretty scary, but I wasn’t self-aware enough at the moment to really notice how I must have been holding myself.

She gulped loudly and tried to stand. She was still shaky, but she saluted anyway and yelled, “C-Corporal Levi, sir!” I took a step towards her, and it was only then that I even realized how quiet the mess hall had become, because the sound of my boot against the floor echoed throughout the room.

“Cadet [l/n], I have just about lost my patience with you. You’re in the mess hall to eat, not to cuddle with Jaeger.” I tried to keep my voice under control, to not just end up screaming at the top of my lungs. She was shaking, now in fear, as she said, “But sir-“

I cut her off, not wanting to hear excuses. “Why is it that I always catch you goofing off somehow instead of working. Are you trying to say you don’t need to work to get far into the military?”
She tried again. “Sir I –“

“I should punish you for doing something so stupid. Using a slight cold as an excuse to cuddle with another cadet. Have you no shame?” In that moment, I knew I had messed up more than usual. Her eyes grew wide and she stopped shaking. Her body was suddenly braced, as if ready to physically fight me. The changes were all subtle, but spoke volumes.

She shouted, “AND WHAT IS IT TO YOU?! WHY DO YOU CARE?!”

Honestly, I was shocked. Not many people had the courage to even look me in the eye when I was in a bad mood, but now she was yelling at me. I would have been impressed in any normal situation, but given my current mood, all I could ask was, “What was that Cadet?”

She grit her teeth and balled her hands into fists. Her knuckles were turning white under the pressure as she began absolutely screaming.

“I never did anything wrong! All you ever do is give me unnecessary punishments. I don’t deserve half the things you’ve done. I don’t even know why you were angry.” All those words felt like piercing blades into my heart. I knew them all to be true. She wasn’t an idiot. Of course she’d know she’d never done anything wrong. In that moment, I found I wanted to apologize, but the words wouldn’t come out. Of course, she wasn’t finished either.

“But let me make a few things clear.” She stomped up to me, glaring at me with eyes filled with the anger she had built up over the past three months. “First of all,” she began. “Erwin and I were never dating!” That was quite the shock, but I didn’t have any time to process it as she kept going. “You might have noticed that I felt heavily awkward with him if you weren’t so stuck in your own head about how disgusting we looked next to each other!

“Second of all, I never cuddled with anyone! Not Eren, not Jean, not one person! Not one girl or guy!

“Third of all, what is with you giving me punishments for helping my friends?! JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO DO SOMETHING NICE I GET TO CLEAN THE ENTIRE FREAKING CASTLE! AND THEN WHEN SOMEONE ELSE HELPS ME, YOU PUNISH THEM TOO!” She turned and began storming away. I wanted to tell her to stop and let me explain. Tell her that I just wanted her beside me, but because I knew she wouldn’t be, my jealousy got the better of me and I had turned to being an idiot that tried to keep her away from other people.

But I couldn’t find my words, and when she shoved me aside to leave, my instinct was to yell, “STOP WHERE YOU ARE [L/N]!”

She stopped, turned, and screamed, “I USED TO LOVE YOU, YOU BIG JERK! BUT NOW!” she began crying as she yelled out three words I never wanted to hear.

“I HATE YOU!”

Then she ran out the door. I stood still for a moment in the mess hall. The door slammed behind her, and her last three words rang in my ears. Erwin had stood up and ran towards me. He put a hand on my shoulder and asked, “Levi?”

I snapped out of my shock and looked at him. Then I glanced down at the hand on my shoulder. Then I shoved him aside and began walking towards the door.

“Levi! Stop!” Erwin said. “You are the last person she wants to see right now.”

I didn’t stop. I only kept walking to the door. When I reached for the handle, he said, “You don’t even know where she went!”

I stood still and didn’t bother to look at anyone. The room was silent.

“You know what? I’m sick of this.” Mikasa’s voice called out. “Look, Corporal, whether things work out or not, she deserves better than this. I know where she’s likely to be. I’ll tell you if you promise, for better or for worse, you’ll bring her back and talk things through like the grown-up you’re supposed to be.”

I turned to look at her. I didn’t say anything, but I guess she could tell what I had already said in my heart: there’s nothing else I would want right now.

“There’s a cave in the 3DMG training forest a few of us found several months back.” She explained where the cave was. “When things get so stressful or emotional that she feels like she’s losing herself, she goes there to rest.”

One squad leader stood up. “One of us will get her! You can’t possibly believe that you going after what just happened will really be the best course of action!”

I opened the door and l heard the storm.

“There’s a storm outside,” I said.

“What?” the squad leader asked.

“I said there’s a storm outside.” I turned to look at them. “Let’s see how logic will follow. Am I the best person to see her now? Maybe not. But I’m the best tracker here, and certainly the most athletic. Let’s not forget the least likely to get lost on the way back in a storm like this.” I glared at them. “I’m going because, unlike what you seem to think, it’s not the best course of action. It’s the only course of action.”

I stepped through the doorway and added on, “And no matter what you believe, this is my problem to deal with.”

I entered the storm and I felt the cold before I felt the rain and wind. “This can’t be good for her when she’s got that cold,” I muttered to myself. I felt awful about everything that had happened – even worse than before now that I knew that I had driven her to such an emotional breaking point that she’d go to her special hideout in this weather.

As I began nearing where Mikasa said the cave was, I began calling out, “OI! _______!” Of course, she didn’t answer me. There was a possibility that she couldn’t hear me, but I doubted it.

“Oi brat! Answer me! That’s an order! ________! Where are you, you idiot?!” I yelled. At this point I was half hoping that she’d still be angry enough to yell back at me so that I could find her. What I would be able to find easily on a normal day was incredibly difficult given the storm. I knew I was in the general area Mikasa had described, but finding the actual cave was another issue.
I kept yelling out for __________, not really expecting an answer, but hoping for one anyway.

By luck I managed to find the cave. I looked inside and saw her curled into a tight ball. “_______...” I looked at my feet and saw a really deep mud-puddle. I really didn’t want to go in that. It would cover at least half my shin.

“Hey _________. Get over here brat!” I yelled. She didn’t even flinch when I said that. I kept telling her to come to me, but she wouldn’t listen at all. Finally, I sighed and looked at my feet again.

And decided she was worth it.

I stepped into the mud puddle and walked towards her. It was surprisingly difficult to go through it, but I managed to get to her. I walked up to her and placed a hand as gently as I could on her shoulder, to show her I meant no harm. I guess she didn’t realize I was there, though, because she suddenly whipped her head up and looked at me.

Our eyes met only briefly before she hid her head in her arms again. “Look at me, brat,” I commanded, but I felt almost like I was pleading at this point. She didn’t lift her head. In fact, she shifted so her back was turned to me.

“Tch, you can’t keep ignoring me forever,” I muttered, more to myself than to her. I was shocked when she started sneezing. It didn’t stop, and it wracked her entire body. When she finally stopped, she shivered and began rubbing her hands along her arms, obviously trying to warm herself up.

“Oi! Are you alright?” I asked. I knew that was a stupid question, but I was more than a little concerned at this point. She just sneezed a few times more and continued to ignore me. I think she tightened her body even tighter into her ball shape, but I wasn’t entirely sure. All I knew was she looked more rigid.

Now I was both concerned AND annoyed. I grabbed her and pulled her towards me, knowing that even on a normal day she couldn’t beat me in physical strength, but in her condition, it would be next to impossible to fight back. She ended up nearly flying towards me, hitting my chest. That only showed me how weak she actually was.

I placed one hand on her forehead and the other on mine to compare the temperatures. I frowned when I realized her temperature was much higher than it should have been.

“Idiot. Now you have a fever. Come on. You need to dry yourself or else you’ll really get sick.”

She frowned and pushed herself off of me. Finally, she said something to me, but it wasn’t something I exactly wanted to hear. “Like you care,” she muttered.

Honestly, I was too concerned about her fever to be too upset with the comment. With my clothes wet, there wasn’t much I could do. So I grabbed her and pulled her towards me, hoping I could use my body heat to warm her up just a little bit. To stop her from escaping this time, I wrapped my arms around her. Then I thought about it and tightened my grip, just in case she struggled.

Then I whispered, since her head was so close to my face anyways, “I’m saying this because I do care, idiot. Let’s go get you warmed up. I don’t need you getting even sicker.” This was the first truly honest thing I’d said to her in over three months. That in itself felt good, but the circumstances made me unable to feel any form of relief from it.

She didn’t respond and I couldn’t help but sigh. “Look [l/n], I’m not commanding you. I’m asking you, for your sake as well as my own, go back. I…” I decided to continue being as honest as I could, because anything else would only make her want to back away even more. “I don’t want to see you like this.”

“I don’t care,” she said. It lacked energy.

I forced her to look at me. “I promise we can talk this all out like civilized people. I’ll behave. I won’t give you any punishments if you hear me out, alright? Afterwards, you’re free to ignore me.” I mentally added, I deserve that and more anyway.

Her face showed that she was conflicted, but then she looked at me once more, grit her teeth, and finally agreed with a weak nod and an, “Alright.”

She tried to stand and ended up falling forward. I already expected that would happen and grabbed her. I picked her up and I suddenly felt nervous and unsure of myself. Before I could think more about it, I ran back to HQ. I only let myself slow down once I was inside, and that was just because it was slightly warmer inside.

I briefly glanced down and saw that she was very, very tired. Don’t fall asleep on me, I thought to myself. I didn’t need her getting worse than she already was.

I quickly walked to my room, almost slipping on the stone floor a few times, but I managed to keep my balance. Once there, I balanced her on top of one leg and held her mostly in my left arm while I used my right to unlock and open my door. I quickly placed her down on my one couch and went to my bathroom, which I was glad I had my own private one. Erwin had allowed me to have my own when I kept complaining about the state of the male bathrooms. I’m sure it was only to shut me up, but I was glad nonetheless.

I always made sure to have enough water for a bath in my bathroom, mostly because I never know when I’m going to come back and just really have the need to wash myself. It’s more annoying when I don’t have the water then than to just get it ahead of time.

Heating the water, I waited until it was at least lukewarm. I wanted to wait longer, but I figured at her current temperature, she needed to be put in something warm sooner. I left the fire on with the intention of letting it continue heating the water while she was in the bath.

I went and picked her up again. She barely responded, which worried me. I quickly walked back and placed her in the tub before going out to get her some dry clothes and towels. Choosing my most adjustable and warm clothes (but still not winter ones), I grabbed a large towel and went back to the bathroom. She turned to look at me as I entered, her eyes much clearer than before. I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding before putting my things on the toilet seat lid.

I looked to check on her one more time and decided she was aware enough not to drown herself. “I’ll leave you for now. Warm yourself up, wash up, and come out. I’ll have some tea waiting for you,” I told her before I left.

I took another towel after I left, took my clothes off, and dried myself. After putting my underwear on, I was about to grab dry uniform, but I felt exhausted. Sighing, I decided to hell with it, and decided to wear something comfortable. Besides, I was also feeling a bit cold. So I put on a hoodie Hanji had given me a while ago and a pair of sweatpants from Mike. They’d given them to me for my birthday a while ago.

I took a smaller towel and quickly dried my hair. Really, I was just making sure there wasn’t too much water in it. I threw it near the window, for once deciding there was something more pressing than keeping my room organized.

I got out my personal tea set. Then I decided to get the big cups out. We were going to need them.

As I heated the water and made the tea, I kept thinking about what I was going to say. No matter how much I thought about it, though, I just couldn’t think of anything to say. Maybe it was because I knew my actions weren’t warranted and were unfair, so it all sounded like excuses with no meaning.

In the end, I decided I would just go with the flow and let instinct take over. Not the safest option, considering that’s more or less what got the two of us in the situation to begin with, but I felt that if I kept thinking about it and not coming up with any answers, I would end up not being able to say anything at all.

When did I become such a coward? I wondered. I’d heard that love changes a person, and it makes you do things you normally wouldn’t. I guess it’s true.

____________ finally walked out of the bathroom, so I poured the tea into the cups. I could feel her gaze on me as she just stood in the doorway to the bathroom. She didn’t move. Not that I blamed her. I was the last person she wanted to see right now.

Her next words startled me. “I must be dreaming.” I looked her. I hadn’t expected that to be the first thing she said. I motioned for her to sit down on the couch, responding with, “You’re not dreaming, but I can’t tell how your senses are working. For all I know, you’re sleepwalking.” It was true. I didn’t know.

I’d covered the wet part of the couch, but it was a large couch. She sat down in the middle and I went and handed her a cup of tea. Leaning against the windowsill, I took a sip of my own tea. I watched as she took a small sip. Her expression brightened ever so slightly as she took in the warmth. “This is good,” she commented.

“Hn.” I looked back down to my own tea and began swirling it around, lost in my thoughts for a bit. I decided that I needed to start talking, and instincts told me that first and foremost, the best way to start would be to apologize. There was so much to apologize for too. I looked up to see her watching me, and watched her for a moment. I closed my eyes for a moment, preparing myself for whatever she might have to say in retaliation, then looked at her again and said the words I’d been wanting to tell her for so long.

“I’m sorry.”

She blinked, and I could see the shock on her face. She seemed unable to process what I’d just said. I suppose it’s surprising, considering how I’d been treating her. I waited for her to respond, but when she didn’t, I tried again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Hu? Wha?” she stammered.

I gripped my cup a bit tighter and looked out the window and into the rain, thinking maybe my eyes were making her feel more awkward. I’d been told I have scary eyes that often didn’t always convey what I was feeling.

I answered her sort-of question. “For everything. What I did… it was unfair and unreasonable, just like you said.” I wanted to see her expression, to see how she was taking my apology, so I turned and looked at her eyes. “I knew what I was going was wrong, completely unfair, but I did it anyway.”

She looked into her tea and the grip on her cup tightened as she growled out, “Then why would you do it? What? Did you have some sort of ulterior motive, or did you just decide to bully me?”

I realized she didn’t really want to look at me. That was fair. Then I noticed her hair was still really wet. An odd thing to notice, but I didn’t want her getting more sick. I picked up the towel I’d thrown near the window earlier and sat down behind her. She still didn’t look at me.

I hesitated for a moment before I started drying her hair with the towel. Startled, she turned around and looked at me with an expression that asked, “What are you doing?”

“I’m drying your hair, idiot. You’re going to get sick.” She turned back around and didn’t reply. I continued drying her hair, but then I remembered the question she had asked. “I didn’t want to bully you…. I just didn’t know of any other way to keep you from other people.” I cringed at my own confession. After all, it was true that whenever I saw her with someone else, I’d wanted to keep her away from them as much as possible.

“Why would you do that?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. I honestly couldn’t believe she still didn’t get it.

“Because I like you, idiot.”

Her head whipped around and she looked at me, her eyes wider than I’d ever seen them. “Y-you like me?” she asked.

I kept looking at her and she never broke my gaze. Her statement sounded wrong. “No, that’s not quite right. I guess I love you,” I told her honestly. I had nothing to lose by telling her this, so why not?

Her mouth opened in shock, and I almost laughed. I tried to hold it back, but I think I ended up smirking instead. I draped the towel over the top of her head, since she seemed to insist on facing me now, and began drying her hair at the roots. As she continued to watch me, I found myself explaining even further.

“I don’t know how to act around you. I can’t seem to be the person I know I am. I… I get jealous, that’s all.”

“You… get… jealous…?” she whispered. I glanced at her before returning to her hair.

“I guess that’s what it is. I can’t stand to see you with another brat. I feel like you belong with me. When you show your smile to someone else or compliment them, I get angry. It feels like a betrayal of sorts. I know that’s wrong, but I feel it anyway.”

She didn’t reply, and I didn’t say anything else while I dried her hair. When it was sufficiently dry, I removed the towel and looked fully at her face. “Do you understand now?”

She nodded. “I… I do.” I was caught off guard when she suddenly hugged me. She began crying and sobbing into my shoulder, and I felt my hoodie get wet with tears. She managed to say through her sobs, “I love you. I love you too. I really do.”

I didn’t know how to respond to her emotional outburst. My hand hovered around for a bit before I finally put it on her back, trying to reassure her that everything was going to be alright. “I thought you hated me now,” I said.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I was just so angry! I’m sorry!”

I patted her head, trying to calm her down. “Don’t be. It was my fault.” I then pushed her back a bit and wiped away her tears. “Keep smiling, __________. It suits you more.”

I put my hand on her shoulder and went to kiss her, but it felt too awkward, so I quickly pulled back before our lips touched.

“Corporal?” she asked. I didn’t know what else to say. I got up and took a few steps back. “It’s no good,” I muttered.

“What is?”

I looked at her again and told her the truth. “Kissing you…. I’ve never kissed anyone before. It’s just strange.” After all, it’s weird that the touching of lips is meant to be an affectionate gesture. I’d always thought I didn’t want to do it. That is, until I met her.

She smiled at me, now reassuring me, and said, “I’ve never kissed anyone either.”

I was shocked to hear this. I’d been sure that, even if Erwin and her relationship had been fake, she would have had someone before me. Her eyes were welcoming me to try. I leaned over and hesitantly placed a small kiss on her lips. I had never kissed, but I wanted to show her that I loved her, and that I didn’t want to scare her or hurt her in any way.

When she responded, I knew that my feelings had reached her. That alone made me really happy. I pulled away and couldn’t help but let my smile show. She seemed shocked to see me like this.

“You’re mine now,” I said.

“Yes.”

“I’m yours.”

“Yes.”

“Good,” I said. I picked her up and laid her down on my bed. She needed the rest, but I was suddenly feeling very energised. Earlier I had thought I would be too tired for anything else, but now I felt that I could get some work done. I looked at my desk. My office had most of my paperwork, but some more private files that Erwin wanted me to look through for our secret missions were on the desk in my room.

Better now than never, I thought. I went to my desk and lit another candle.

The last bits of our conversation ran through my head, and I couldn’t help what I said next.

“Good, because you being with someone else would make me jealous.”

I heard her laugh a bit before she fell asleep, and continued to do my work while listening to her breathing and the sound of rain tapping against my window. As I did, I made a promise I would never break.

I would never, ever hurt her like I did again. She was giving me a chance after everything I’d put her through.

And I wasn’t going to waste it.