HOME | DD

Description
WARNING: Contains topics of depression, mental illness, bullying, weight gain, feederism, and sensitive themes that may make some readers uncomfortable.

Chris confronted me about avoiding him, asking me if he’d done anything to repel me. I assured him I wasn’t upset with him and reiterated that I was just busy lately juggling three jobs. Chris said I was going to kill myself working this hard and told me I needed a break. He invited me to join him and his friends at a big rave they’d be going to Saturday night. After extending the invitation, Chris told me I didn’t have to decide on the spot and left me there pondering as he returned to his apartment. I spent the rest of the evening thinking about the paradox I was in: if I accepted, I’d have to deal with all those people, the drinks, the loud and crowded areas, I may even encourage him to confess to me. On the other hand, declining may hurt his feelings after I’ve avoided him so much lately—even though he’s been so good to me. I didn’t know what to say, I felt like I was in a lose-lose situation here. SiLly GiRl WhEn WiLl YoU eVeR lEaRn??

I woke up the next morning with bloodshot eyes and a pounding headache—I wish I wasn’t such a lousy sleeper. The heat has been killing me lately too. Summer was officially in and the sun was brutal where I was living. I was sweating like a pig the whole time and I was starting to tan and freckle up too. Betzy saw me at work today and said the same thing Chris did, I was working too hard, I needed a break, etc. eAsiEr sAiD tHaN dOnE, aRe EiThEr Of YoU gOiNg To StEp Up WhEn i WiNd Up OuT oF wOrK bEcAuSe i HaD tO “sLoW dOwN”?? I shrugged and told her I was doing my best but that it was hard when you work three jobs to make ends meet. Betzy understood this and went on to invite me to join her at a beach party she was attending later tonight after work. The sun had been beating me up on my way to work and back enough as it was lately, now she’s asking me to go out to a beach to be burned alive?! If you need roast pork for the dinner party just say so! I expressed my concerns to Betzy—albeit more discreetly—who assured me the sun would probably be setting by the time we got there. I then brought up how I didn’t own a bikini and it wasn’t so simple to find one in my size. Betzy conceded this much to be true but remained determined to bring me along. She recalled me wearing “fancy underwear” underneath my see through shirts and proposed I either wear those or just not swim while at the beach. Seeing I still wasn’t convinced, Betzy told me I had to get out more and meet people before adding that she knew where I lived and was very close to dragging me out of my apartment and taking me somewhere. I ultimately relented to appease Betzy but couldn’t shake my own lingering fears and concerns about tonight. I just know something’s going to go wrong.

Later that night, Betzy picked me up at my apartment after work as planned. I got dressed into the black two piece she’d recommended and then threw a summer dress on top to cover me up until we got there. It wasn’t really a bikini but it was the best I had in these less-than-ideal circumstances. Along the way, Betzy spent her time trying to get me to lighten up and convince me that I made the right choice going to the beach party with her. Nothing she said shook my concerns away but I decided I’d be there for her and at least try and enjoy the food.

We arrived in about an hour, the beach lit by the sun as it threatened to set. Betzy exited the car and I shifted to follow after her when I realized I’d gotten snagged into the seat. It took Betzy a minute to notice but when she did, I was finally free from the confines of the devilish vehicle—just not the embarrassment that followed. This trip was already off to a good start. As we walked down to meet with Betzy’s friends, I could feel the sun beating down on me with everything it had while it was still out, its rays scorching me from above while the sand burned my feet from below. None of the lotion I applied seemed to help since by the time we were face to face with her friends, I was red as a lobster and spotted as a leopard. This no doubt caught their attention as they did their best to refrain from laughter as Betzy introduced us to each other. She noticed this and asked them to be nice, which didn’t help as much as she thought it did. The girls decided they’d take to swimming before having a few drinks and hitting things up with some “hot guys” their friends would introduce each other to. I saw the ocean and felt my body lock up in fear. I did my best to at least appear calm when I politely declined, hoping the sweat would go unnoticed under the conditions we were in. Betzy pouted and urged me to reconsider, nudging me and citing the water would help me cool down before grabbing my arm to lead me along. My feet stumbled in front of each other as I was dragged closer to the shore, my heart skipping a beat as it leapt out of my throat. My throat closed so that I choked on my words but eventually I was able to get the words “stop” out before begging her to let me go. Betzy saw I was shaken and decided she’d press no further, telling me she’d be with the others in the shallow water and to feel free to join us whenever I felt comfortable.

I didn't, of course, choosing to hide under the canopy of an ice cream vendor instead as I used whatever change I had on me to get as much of the delectable treat as possible in an attempt to cool down and ease my nerves. I tilted my head back and sat on a few of the stools, tasting each of the flavors as I watched Betzy have fun with her friends in the distance. I was never going to belong in their world. It was clear that I was nothing like them. cOuLd i EvEn CaLl MySeLf hUmAn BaSeD oN tHiS wOrlD’s StAnDaRds¿ I knew one thing for sure, I’d become the sideshow spectacle for the crowd again, providing a source of amusement and ego-boosting for the rest of the party. iT’s NiCe To KnOw My PaIn mAkeS sOmEoNe FeEl BeTtEr. After about an hour, Betzy came back to me and said I should join her and the other girls for a drink to get to know each other better. Before I could mention it, Betzy recalled my issues with alcohol and said I could have a soft drink instead but insisted I come along. Having no choice in the matter, I hesitantly followed after my strong-willed friend into the crowd.

But it didn’t matter how many new faces she introduced me to, they were all the same; fake smiles plastered on their faces, who was I really getting to know at this stupid party? I found myself becoming like them to survive the night, putting on a fake smile that tore at the seams of my insides as I pretended not to notice either their disgust or total disinterest in me. They introduced me to their boyfriends: Luke, Brian…I forgot the rest of their names—most of them would be history by the end of the week anyway. Since I was still single, Betzy sicced this guy named Josh on me to keep me company on their group date. It was pretty awkward for the both of us as neither he nor I were into it so we did our best not to give each other a hard time, he was even kind enough to get me a few drinks. Josh had the usual shocked reaction when he first met me but got over it quickly. We didn’t talk much but I told him a little bit about my job as an artist and explained my piercings to him while he shared a little about himself as well.

With no way of getting out on my own, I waited for the first opportunity to leave but none came until some drunk barfed all over me. I stunk so bad but avoided puking myself, it was humiliating—even for me. Betzy was upset and after chewing the guy out for being unable to hold his liquor, checked on me to see if I was okay. I’d just finished washing myself down and was more than ready to go home. Seeing how exhausted I was, Betzy held no objection to this and drove me home. The ride back was quiet, Betzy having hoped I would’ve had a better time than I did. I was still irritated from the party but thanked her for thinking of me before going upstairs to my apartment and throwing myself in bed. Who was I kidding? If Betzy really cared, she would have listened to me, stopped for a moment to consider what I would have wanted…instead I just went along like I always do. I hate myself, I hate everyone, I hate life.

DiG iNSiDe tO FiNd tHe tRutH

cUt dEePeR, sEaRch FuRtHer. rEfLeCtiOnS LiE, eYeS dEcEiVe, SeNsEs FaiL, bELieF—aN iLLuSiOn¿ cALL mY nAmE bUt i ShALL nOt AnSwEr—FoR i Am aLrEaDy gOnE…

My mind a blur, my eyes a haze, I awake to beads of crimson regret. It streams through and out of me, connecting what’s inside to the outside world. The past leaves its impression on me in streaks. Hide my face, for what resembles me cannot be seen like this, not like this…

lynn, Lynn, LyNn, LYNN!!

I hear them calling me, banging at my door—begging me to let them in. I try to walk, I try to crawl; I reach, I grasp, but fall short once more.

…

I opened my eyes to the simmering light of the sun shining through the window across the room. I saw the hospital room around me and realized I’d lost control again. A nurse came in and checked on me then Chris and Betzy followed shortly after. They were scared senseless by the latest incident, I was just grateful they were there for me. I thanked them for taking care of me and asked them how they knew I needed help. Chris told me he grew concerned when I failed to show up for work or respond to his messages but only suspected something was up when my lights never went on during the evening when I’d usually be drawing. Betzy added that Chris called her the following morning to help get me to open the door but after hearing me struggle inside, realized they had an emergency on their hands. Chris revealed that he broke the door down to get to me, injuring his shoulder in the process. I was so moved by hearing this that I broke down into tears—I don’t think my friends knew what to do with me.

Shortly after, I was told my parents called the hospital about me, wanting to know if I was alright. I initially refused to speak with them and told the hospital to send a message for me but after much urging from Betzy, I gave in and called my parents. They expressed their concern for my health and asked if I was alright. After putting them at ease, I asked them how they were doing. My mom did most of the talking, assuring me she and dad were doing fine but missing me, Peter was looking for a job and a college, meanwhile the rest were doing well and making friends in school. She also mentioned Andrew still spoke about me every day. As my eyes watered up, I told my mom to let my baby brother know I loved him before hanging up as I choked tears back. Chris tapped my shoulder and asked me if I was okay, joking that he thought I would have run out of tears to shed by now. I shrugged and admitted to being a big fat baby before wiping my eyes. Chris stared at the gashes on my body and grew concerned for me, but bit his tongue and turned away when I brought my eyes to his. The medical staff claimed I’d most likely sustained those injuries amidst my “episode”—though there seemed to be some doubt in that matter…

I wasn’t held for long in the hospital but the few day’s absence was enough to prompt me to hit work as hard as possible. Insurance covered most of my hospital bills but not the door Chris broke. Our landlord was…upset to say the least but once I promised to pay for the damages and explained the situation to him, he did ease off however. Whatever “cushion” I had to fall on was gone now so I’d have to make every penny count just to break even.

“Seriously, how the hell did you get those marks?” Betzy asked me one day after work. I admitted that I couldn’t remember, having blacked out when it happened, but that I must have banged myself up when I had the seizure. Betzy looked me over once more and just shook her head before telling me to be more careful next time. sUrE, i’LL bE sUrE tO LeT yOu KnOw NeXt TiMe i DeCiDe i’M gOiNg tO hAve An ePiSoDe¡! On our way out, I caught Melanie staring at me. Our eyes locked for a brief moment, like hunter and prey, until Betzy told her to “buzz off” and dragged me out of the place.

The two of us got changed and then went to see Chris at the bar. He had a hard time playing because of his hurt shoulder but managed a good performance in spite of it. I watched the way his hands strummed and plucked the strings of his guitar, the way his hair flew about as he banged his head and gnashed his teeth between verses, the way he poured his heart and soul into every word he cried out…I loved it. I was pulled out of my trance by Betzy, who nudged me with a smirk on her face. Knowing what she was about to say, I sighed heavily as I asked her not to bring “that” up again. Betzy threw her hands up and said I knew she was right before asking why I was so afraid to give him a chance. I stared at Chris hard, almost as if I was asking him for the answer. Did he deserve my reservation after all he’d done for me? Did I have any right to hold onto it any longer? Yet, I couldn’t release this lingering fear of mine. Should I take a step into the unknown or would my faith only be rewarded with hurt again?

After the show, Chris parted with his friends and came up to me. I looked back to find Betzy had left my side, winking at me as she wished me the best of luck. Seeing we were alone together, Chris cleared his throat before asking me what I thought of him tonight. My body locked up from nerves as the words seemed to escape right out of my mouth as I said I loved him. Chris blushed as I attempted to clarify what I meant to no avail. Chris put an end to my rambling with a finger pressed to my lips, leaning in as he asked me out. He told me he really liked me and had a place in mind that he wanted to take me. I bit my lip for a moment in thought before looking up into his eyes and saying “yes”. He drove me in his car to a hill that sat just across the bridge where we first met, sitting me beside himself beneath a tall oak tree. I took in a breath of fresh air and gazed upon the horizon, it was beautiful. Chris pulled out his guitar and said he wrote a song for me, asking me if I wanted to hear it. I blushed and with glistening eyes, gave him a nod. Chris gently crooned along to the chords he played on his guitar, his soothing voice resonating in me as he told the tale of a broken man seeking to be mended by the heart of his lover. His song was both enchanting and haunting at once, bringing me to tears by its end. How could I ever mean that much to anyone? Chris pulled me in close and hushed me, wiping a tear off my cheek before gently planting a kiss on my lips under the pale moonlight.

Chapter 10

Chapter 12

Description
WARNING: Contains topics of depression, mental illness, bullying, weight gain, feederism, and sensitive themes that may make some readers uncomfortable.

Chris confronted me about avoiding him, asking me if he’d done anything to repel me. I assured him I wasn’t upset with him and reiterated that I was just busy lately juggling three jobs. Chris said I was going to kill myself working this hard and told me I needed a break. He invited me to join him and his friends at a big rave they’d be going to Saturday night. After extending the invitation, Chris told me I didn’t have to decide on the spot and left me there pondering as he returned to his apartment. I spent the rest of the evening thinking about the paradox I was in: if I accepted, I’d have to deal with all those people, the drinks, the loud and crowded areas, I may even encourage him to confess to me. On the other hand, declining may hurt his feelings after I’ve avoided him so much lately—even though he’s been so good to me. I didn’t know what to say, I felt like I was in a lose-lose situation here. SiLly GiRl WhEn WiLl YoU eVeR lEaRn??

I woke up the next morning with bloodshot eyes and a pounding headache—I wish I wasn’t such a lousy sleeper. The heat has been killing me lately too. Summer was officially in and the sun was brutal where I was living. I was sweating like a pig the whole time and I was starting to tan and freckle up too. Betzy saw me at work today and said the same thing Chris did, I was working too hard, I needed a break, etc. eAsiEr sAiD tHaN dOnE, aRe EiThEr Of YoU gOiNg To StEp Up WhEn i WiNd Up OuT oF wOrK bEcAuSe i HaD tO “sLoW dOwN”?? I shrugged and told her I was doing my best but that it was hard when you work three jobs to make ends meet. Betzy understood this and went on to invite me to join her at a beach party she was attending later tonight after work. The sun had been beating me up on my way to work and back enough as it was lately, now she’s asking me to go out to a beach to be burned alive?! If you need roast pork for the dinner party just say so! I expressed my concerns to Betzy—albeit more discreetly—who assured me the sun would probably be setting by the time we got there. I then brought up how I didn’t own a bikini and it wasn’t so simple to find one in my size. Betzy conceded this much to be true but remained determined to bring me along. She recalled me wearing “fancy underwear” underneath my see through shirts and proposed I either wear those or just not swim while at the beach. Seeing I still wasn’t convinced, Betzy told me I had to get out more and meet people before adding that she knew where I lived and was very close to dragging me out of my apartment and taking me somewhere. I ultimately relented to appease Betzy but couldn’t shake my own lingering fears and concerns about tonight. I just know something’s going to go wrong.

Later that night, Betzy picked me up at my apartment after work as planned. I got dressed into the black two piece she’d recommended and then threw a summer dress on top to cover me up until we got there. It wasn’t really a bikini but it was the best I had in these less-than-ideal circumstances. Along the way, Betzy spent her time trying to get me to lighten up and convince me that I made the right choice going to the beach party with her. Nothing she said shook my concerns away but I decided I’d be there for her and at least try and enjoy the food.

We arrived in about an hour, the beach lit by the sun as it threatened to set. Betzy exited the car and I shifted to follow after her when I realized I’d gotten snagged into the seat. It took Betzy a minute to notice but when she did, I was finally free from the confines of the devilish vehicle—just not the embarrassment that followed. This trip was already off to a good start. As we walked down to meet with Betzy’s friends, I could feel the sun beating down on me with everything it had while it was still out, its rays scorching me from above while the sand burned my feet from below. None of the lotion I applied seemed to help since by the time we were face to face with her friends, I was red as a lobster and spotted as a leopard. This no doubt caught their attention as they did their best to refrain from laughter as Betzy introduced us to each other. She noticed this and asked them to be nice, which didn’t help as much as she thought it did. The girls decided they’d take to swimming before having a few drinks and hitting things up with some “hot guys” their friends would introduce each other to. I saw the ocean and felt my body lock up in fear. I did my best to at least appear calm when I politely declined, hoping the sweat would go unnoticed under the conditions we were in. Betzy pouted and urged me to reconsider, nudging me and citing the water would help me cool down before grabbing my arm to lead me along. My feet stumbled in front of each other as I was dragged closer to the shore, my heart skipping a beat as it leapt out of my throat. My throat closed so that I choked on my words but eventually I was able to get the words “stop” out before begging her to let me go. Betzy saw I was shaken and decided she’d press no further, telling me she’d be with the others in the shallow water and to feel free to join us whenever I felt comfortable.

I didn't, of course, choosing to hide under the canopy of an ice cream vendor instead as I used whatever change I had on me to get as much of the delectable treat as possible in an attempt to cool down and ease my nerves. I tilted my head back and sat on a few of the stools, tasting each of the flavors as I watched Betzy have fun with her friends in the distance. I was never going to belong in their world. It was clear that I was nothing like them. cOuLd i EvEn CaLl MySeLf hUmAn BaSeD oN tHiS wOrlD’s StAnDaRds¿ I knew one thing for sure, I’d become the sideshow spectacle for the crowd again, providing a source of amusement and ego-boosting for the rest of the party. iT’s NiCe To KnOw My PaIn mAkeS sOmEoNe FeEl BeTtEr. After about an hour, Betzy came back to me and said I should join her and the other girls for a drink to get to know each other better. Before I could mention it, Betzy recalled my issues with alcohol and said I could have a soft drink instead but insisted I come along. Having no choice in the matter, I hesitantly followed after my strong-willed friend into the crowd.

But it didn’t matter how many new faces she introduced me to, they were all the same; fake smiles plastered on their faces, who was I really getting to know at this stupid party? I found myself becoming like them to survive the night, putting on a fake smile that tore at the seams of my insides as I pretended not to notice either their disgust or total disinterest in me. They introduced me to their boyfriends: Luke, Brian…I forgot the rest of their names—most of them would be history by the end of the week anyway. Since I was still single, Betzy sicced this guy named Josh on me to keep me company on their group date. It was pretty awkward for the both of us as neither he nor I were into it so we did our best not to give each other a hard time, he was even kind enough to get me a few drinks. Josh had the usual shocked reaction when he first met me but got over it quickly. We didn’t talk much but I told him a little bit about my job as an artist and explained my piercings to him while he shared a little about himself as well.

With no way of getting out on my own, I waited for the first opportunity to leave but none came until some drunk barfed all over me. I stunk so bad but avoided puking myself, it was humiliating—even for me. Betzy was upset and after chewing the guy out for being unable to hold his liquor, checked on me to see if I was okay. I’d just finished washing myself down and was more than ready to go home. Seeing how exhausted I was, Betzy held no objection to this and drove me home. The ride back was quiet, Betzy having hoped I would’ve had a better time than I did. I was still irritated from the party but thanked her for thinking of me before going upstairs to my apartment and throwing myself in bed. Who was I kidding? If Betzy really cared, she would have listened to me, stopped for a moment to consider what I would have wanted…instead I just went along like I always do. I hate myself, I hate everyone, I hate life.

DiG iNSiDe tO FiNd tHe tRutH

cUt dEePeR, sEaRch FuRtHer. rEfLeCtiOnS LiE, eYeS dEcEiVe, SeNsEs FaiL, bELieF—aN iLLuSiOn¿ cALL mY nAmE bUt i ShALL nOt AnSwEr—FoR i Am aLrEaDy gOnE…

My mind a blur, my eyes a haze, I awake to beads of crimson regret. It streams through and out of me, connecting what’s inside to the outside world. The past leaves its impression on me in streaks. Hide my face, for what resembles me cannot be seen like this, not like this…

lynn, Lynn, LyNn, LYNN!!

I hear them calling me, banging at my door—begging me to let them in. I try to walk, I try to crawl; I reach, I grasp, but fall short once more.

…

I opened my eyes to the simmering light of the sun shining through the window across the room. I saw the hospital room around me and realized I’d lost control again. A nurse came in and checked on me then Chris and Betzy followed shortly after. They were scared senseless by the latest incident, I was just grateful they were there for me. I thanked them for taking care of me and asked them how they knew I needed help. Chris told me he grew concerned when I failed to show up for work or respond to his messages but only suspected something was up when my lights never went on during the evening when I’d usually be drawing. Betzy added that Chris called her the following morning to help get me to open the door but after hearing me struggle inside, realized they had an emergency on their hands. Chris revealed that he broke the door down to get to me, injuring his shoulder in the process. I was so moved by hearing this that I broke down into tears—I don’t think my friends knew what to do with me.

Shortly after, I was told my parents called the hospital about me, wanting to know if I was alright. I initially refused to speak with them and told the hospital to send a message for me but after much urging from Betzy, I gave in and called my parents. They expressed their concern for my health and asked if I was alright. After putting them at ease, I asked them how they were doing. My mom did most of the talking, assuring me she and dad were doing fine but missing me, Peter was looking for a job and a college, meanwhile the rest were doing well and making friends in school. She also mentioned Andrew still spoke about me every day. As my eyes watered up, I told my mom to let my baby brother know I loved him before hanging up as I choked tears back. Chris tapped my shoulder and asked me if I was okay, joking that he thought I would have run out of tears to shed by now. I shrugged and admitted to being a big fat baby before wiping my eyes. Chris stared at the gashes on my body and grew concerned for me, but bit his tongue and turned away when I brought my eyes to his. The medical staff claimed I’d most likely sustained those injuries amidst my “episode”—though there seemed to be some doubt in that matter…

I wasn’t held for long in the hospital but the few day’s absence was enough to prompt me to hit work as hard as possible. Insurance covered most of my hospital bills but not the door Chris broke. Our landlord was…upset to say the least but once I promised to pay for the damages and explained the situation to him, he did ease off however. Whatever “cushion” I had to fall on was gone now so I’d have to make every penny count just to break even.

“Seriously, how the hell did you get those marks?” Betzy asked me one day after work. I admitted that I couldn’t remember, having blacked out when it happened, but that I must have banged myself up when I had the seizure. Betzy looked me over once more and just shook her head before telling me to be more careful next time. sUrE, i’LL bE sUrE tO LeT yOu KnOw NeXt TiMe i DeCiDe i’M gOiNg tO hAve An ePiSoDe¡! On our way out, I caught Melanie staring at me. Our eyes locked for a brief moment, like hunter and prey, until Betzy told her to “buzz off” and dragged me out of the place.

The two of us got changed and then went to see Chris at the bar. He had a hard time playing because of his hurt shoulder but managed a good performance in spite of it. I watched the way his hands strummed and plucked the strings of his guitar, the way his hair flew about as he banged his head and gnashed his teeth between verses, the way he poured his heart and soul into every word he cried out…I loved it. I was pulled out of my trance by Betzy, who nudged me with a smirk on her face. Knowing what she was about to say, I sighed heavily as I asked her not to bring “that” up again. Betzy threw her hands up and said I knew she was right before asking why I was so afraid to give him a chance. I stared at Chris hard, almost as if I was asking him for the answer. Did he deserve my reservation after all he’d done for me? Did I have any right to hold onto it any longer? Yet, I couldn’t release this lingering fear of mine. Should I take a step into the unknown or would my faith only be rewarded with hurt again?

After the show, Chris parted with his friends and came up to me. I looked back to find Betzy had left my side, winking at me as she wished me the best of luck. Seeing we were alone together, Chris cleared his throat before asking me what I thought of him tonight. My body locked up from nerves as the words seemed to escape right out of my mouth as I said I loved him. Chris blushed as I attempted to clarify what I meant to no avail. Chris put an end to my rambling with a finger pressed to my lips, leaning in as he asked me out. He told me he really liked me and had a place in mind that he wanted to take me. I bit my lip for a moment in thought before looking up into his eyes and saying “yes”. He drove me in his car to a hill that sat just across the bridge where we first met, sitting me beside himself beneath a tall oak tree. I took in a breath of fresh air and gazed upon the horizon, it was beautiful. Chris pulled out his guitar and said he wrote a song for me, asking me if I wanted to hear it. I blushed and with glistening eyes, gave him a nod. Chris gently crooned along to the chords he played on his guitar, his soothing voice resonating in me as he told the tale of a broken man seeking to be mended by the heart of his lover. His song was both enchanting and haunting at once, bringing me to tears by its end. How could I ever mean that much to anyone? Chris pulled me in close and hushed me, wiping a tear off my cheek before gently planting a kiss on my lips under the pale moonlight.

Chapter 10

Chapter 12