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parallaxian — i of the mariner
Published: 2004-03-02 08:41:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 108; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 15
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Description there stood my haunted sea
stained of blood cracked earth it seems
like guilty sunlight, stricken streams
hollow mountains, and wicked streets

how can they lead to heaven?
how can they lead to love at all?
how must i sail the seven seas
before i take the fall?

there stood me in a dream
bathed in blood so fiery
like justice served in blackness dwell
like freezing ice the burning hell

i'm in love with the devil's touch
and he's in love with my slavery.
how must i break these chains of his
please gracious heavenly light break forth and

save me cause i'm in love with the devil's touch
and he's in love with me, my slavery
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parallaxian - kris-a fix
Comments: 10

Fragile-Forlorn [2004-04-04 12:38:01 +0000 UTC]

ithere stood me in a dream
bathed in blood so fiery
like justice served in blackness dwell
like freezing ice the burning hell

I love the rhythm. Your choice of words, simple but full of description.

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parallaxian In reply to Fragile-Forlorn [2004-04-05 03:52:43 +0000 UTC]

...and i'm placid? ahh, it's nice to hear comments from people i haven't even begun to get to know.

i see you are a watcher of inferis. i like his art as well.

thank you

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Fragile-Forlorn In reply to parallaxian [2004-04-05 05:47:44 +0000 UTC]

Are you placid in mind?

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parallaxian In reply to Fragile-Forlorn [2004-04-05 07:13:02 +0000 UTC]

in some parts of my mind i am completely placid

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Fragile-Forlorn In reply to parallaxian [2004-04-05 10:36:05 +0000 UTC]

And in these mossy terrains poetry has a snug little home...

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parallaxian [2004-03-03 22:05:18 +0000 UTC]

in humble defense, i must say that i exercise freedom of verse and rhyme sceme because my poems are actually songs...

i've never been much for form...i don't like to limit myself to rules. after all, one word can have multiple notes in a song.

the title has a rather personal meaning, and it is really up to the reader to insert his/her own meaning...

a little ambiguity + lot's of metaphor = taylored art

anyway, thanks for the comments. i don't disagree with you, but i don't agree either...that's the beauty of art...

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sophomore In reply to parallaxian [2004-03-04 00:31:01 +0000 UTC]

Nods, understood.

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sophomore [2004-03-03 08:27:49 +0000 UTC]

Ok, figured I'd ask permission before laying into someone else's work

First off, a little thing. I don't think the word streets fits well to end the first stanza, but I'm not terrebly sure what could replace it. Broken dreams maybe?

Second off, you alternate rhyming schemes. Was this intentional, or because the flow just didn't lend itself well to it? It seems like a sonnetesqe poem at first glance, but doesn't come across as filling that intent. Dunno how you'd rescue the feel of the poem and come out with a more solid rhyming scheme, but it might be worth the effort

Thirdly, the poem kind of glosses over the title, like you started out with a mental picture, but went on to tell of something different. A sailor's story, have you. Maybe try to put some more of the haunted sea back into the picture at the end? I like the ending lines, they sum up the focus of the piece, and the repetition is good, but it leaves me feeling as if I missed the title completely. I just think the title calls for a mental imagery you didn't fully present.

Well, thanks for hearing me out.

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sophomore [2004-03-02 21:47:03 +0000 UTC]

Not bad. Do you mind constructive criticism?

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parallaxian In reply to sophomore [2004-03-03 01:22:56 +0000 UTC]

go for it

sticks and stones...

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