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ParalyticProcess — Submissive
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Published: 2015-04-15 20:52:19 +0000 UTC; Views: 764; Favourites: 13; Downloads: 0
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Description
I am the clayyou are the potter
round and round I go
you jab your thumbs into my sides
I become something else.
But even then
I am not good enough for you.
So you pour liquid disappointment on my head
I break down into a huddled mass of my former self
you wet your fingers
and begin again.
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Comments: 21
I love the final imagery around not being good enough and getting completely remade.
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Thank you! It's what I was aiming for.
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starting the last verse with "so" kills the impact in my mind - and then I start deconstructing the verse in my mind and I want to start it with "pouring". and want to drag out the theme of renewal a bit for tension.
but don't just let me write your poem. please, revisit this later. it feels cut short. probably by the 1-a-day stress.
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I agree that "so" is a weak word, although I would probably just take the word out and start with "you." But it doesn't bother me enough to change it because it denotes cause and effect leading in from the last verse.
The length stays, though. The poem isn't about renewal, but about never being good enough. No matter what the clay "becomes," the potter will continue to scrap it and start again. It's a cycle that I think the length covers very well. Extra stanzas would be unnecessary because the result will always be the same. The clay always loses.
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there is a renewal theme in the last verse, near the end, the way it's written; it breaks the never good enough message.
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The last stanza is the catalyst for the first stanza. It's the cycle I was talking about. It's not renewal in the sense that the clay will be good enough; it will never be what the potter wishes it to be. The potter keeps breaking down the clay to try to make it what he/she wants, but as the other stanzas support, the clay still won't be good enough. The last stanza just starts the process over again, with the results the same.
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I get the loop, and like it. but - well - the word is dynamic tension. i don't feel it smoothly here.
ok. I was in a workshop and someone who wanted to write children's literature created something along the lines of:
meet type sort file copy mail phone
a days work is done
a high powered beginning like that, only it was longer and more built up; and "a days work is done" is word-for-word her last line. It seems out of place, almost trite, except it hasn't been said enough times to be trite yet.
ok. I'll hush about it now. I'm sure you understand, and being understood is enough.
Thank you
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I get what you're trying to say, but I'm going to have to disagree. Thanks.
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Thank you very much, and thank you for the watch! 
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Wonderful poem, full of metaphorical genius and imagery...
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I like the sound of metaphorical genius!
Thank you so much.
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This is such an amazing image and truth. We are all sculptors in our own way.
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I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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A psychotic emotional sculptor. What a fantastic idea. Thanks for sharing.
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I agree with these comments (: love this piece, so true!
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