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ParanoidAndroid22 — Jazz On The Steps
Published: 2005-04-02 23:59:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 238; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 6
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Description
Jazz sits on the stepsHat open for donation
The claps come from the mental image:
Full house at Carnegie
His weary fingers play the tune
On his saxophone of optimism
But the monotonous macabre thoughts of the street
Sink into these exhausted shades of blue
How lovely it is to smell the hotdogs
Walk the streets of this town called New York
We'll scale the tall buildings
But be no closer to success than our weary friend, Jazz
We wear a tie not unlike the saxophone
We feel it attached with accomplishment
But look at his hat fatigued and full of holes
We'll grasp at the pennies falling through the holes of our lives
Drained but with love
Our poor man plays
Cheeks full of soul
We'll listen to Jazz
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Comments: 15
(haha oh the subtle sarcasm of your last comment endears you to me almost as much as the work im meant to be commenting on!)
on what i hope is a more constructive note, i love the way your use of personification to convey the subject and your choice of words in the second verse is just hair-raisingly spine tingling-ly toe-curling orgasmically good!!
however, as other people have said, it seems to be the 4th verse that interrupts the flow, yet not distinguishably enough to add to the poem's effect. for me it's the last 2 lines in particular of the verse that need the most attention, as we kind of lose the sense of personification, and the repetition of 'holes' extended by the word play seems a little clumsy, and it took me a while to pick up on, as opposed to all the rest of your imagery which is so vivid and striking (although that could just due to of my imperceptivity and tiredness!) Perhaps they could benefit from a little rearranging of some sort.
but yes, all in all i love this piece and the above comments are really just me nit picking, such as any poem could be subject to before a revised version. So thank you for submitting this as it has brightened my day and remember, u iz a well gd writa, i fink u r gr8!
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i think u did a gr8 job describing the place and stuff. its quite easy to picture whats going on in u poem. nice work.
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Thnx 4 ur comments! Its nice 2 hear ppl like my stuff!
Thnx again,
~Eric
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i LOVE jazz. well written. some great great metaphors. really good stuff eric! the descriptions of newyork are very lovely. reminds me of olden day pictures. beautiful.
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I LOVE jazz too! I'm so glad you liked it! Honestly you were in the back of my mind when I was writing it. Thinking to myself, "Jenna really likes Jazz...I wonder if she'll like this poem?" Well thank you always for your wonderful interpretations! I hope to meet you in person and hug you for all of these compliments!
Thanks again,
~Eric
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I agree with ~immense-chagrin the stanzas don't flow through very well. But I do love your word choice and how you create a sense of imagination when reading. I think the 3rd and maybe the 4th stanza is the one that throws the flow off... it seems to switch so abruptly. keep it up dear! <3
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I really, really love this! You've captured the feel of that era so so well - just beautiful!
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Thanks so much! I was going for that! I'm learning alot about the "Harlem Reneissance" in English class, and I'm doing a play around that era, so I've kind of been emmersed(is that how you spell it?) in it....It was cool to see that you're involved in drama as well! Whats your favorite play that youve been in?
Well have a great day,
~Eric
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Hey Eric! Wow, I'd love to learn more about that era - it's so vivacious and lively! Yep yep, I love drama... my favourite play I've been in was called "Gold Rustlin'". It was a musical set in the Australian Gold Rush days - lots of fun! How about you?
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Oh boy! I've loved acting for as long as I can remember! In kindergarden I played the Wizard in "The Wizard of Oz", which is up there, but my favorite play that I've ever been in is probably "Fiddler on the Roof." It was so well put together and our director made it fun to come to practices! Well its cool to hear we have something in common!
Well thanks again for your comments,
~Eric
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wow that is soooooo well written! it's really amazing how you play with your words. it gives them a different feel...it's awesome
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Thanks! That makes me feel good!
~Eric
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hahaz...you're welcome
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Drained but with love
Our poor man plays
Cheeks full of soul
We'll listen to Jazz
i love that part.
But be no closer to success than our weary friend, Jazz
I like the personification.
however, since you want critique i think it changes a lot and doesn't flow that well, but all in all its pretty good.
but the, whaddya call em, stanzas(?) are really good individually, but together, i think they don't flow that well.
On his saxophone of optimism
^^ LOVE THAT LINE.
done. bye.
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Thanks! It's always "nice" to hear the "great job"s and the "You are soooo good at writing"s but the criticism is what actually helps me to improve, so thanks! I'll think about what you said if I ever revise it for publication!
Thanks again,
~Eric
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