HOME | DD
patterninverted — Consolation
Published: 2007-10-20 15:27:20 +0000 UTC; Views: 108; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description
In the blink of the sky,the moon bent and sighed
and said with a scowl
to the wind as she cried,
“As you to your sons,
and as you to your daughters,
I’ll keep sly watch
over Earth and it’s waters.
Your tears mold the oceans
and as with the tides,
time forms the tears
that are cast from your eyes.
Your salt forms the land
and the earth becomes mortar,
decides your footsteps
with direction and order.
As rivers rest softly
asleep in their beds,
you weep with great plumage
from violet to red.
And as much as you control
the waves and the flow,
as sure as the currents
hollow pathways below,
as fleeting the tide’s rotation
from highest to low,
that’s as swift as you came
and as quickly you’ll go.”
Related content
Comments: 7
Great imagery. I love the idea of the moon telling the story, but I just felt that there should be more after the moon finished talking.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Good poem.
The structure is a bit awkward sometimes, but it doesn't make it hard to read.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks. Could you elaborate a bit more on what you think is awkward? I'd love to make it easier to read, but I'm not sure the exact part you're talking about.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Your salt forms the land
and the earth becomes mortar,
decides your footsteps
with direction and order.
The second sentence just doesn't flow as the other ones. And your rhyming is a bit off.
Your other Stanza's are abcb. Sometimes the B's rhyme very good (low/go), sometimes not so good (beds/red). It is close, but I think it would be better if it was exact abcb. But maybe it was the way you wanted it to be.
But like I said, it is not hard to read, it is good as it it. Hope you don't mind some critique.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Oh no, I don't mind it at all. Actually, I welcome it. Thank you
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Nice work, I love the concept!
I think I would have preferred this with entirely perfect rhyme rather than a mix of perfect and slant rhyme, but I guess that's down to personal taste, and if you can't think of a decent rhyme it's better to use slant rhyme than to lose the meaning. The rhythm was very good on the whole, it could have been improved in a couple of places but, again, it's better not to lose the meaning. I think you could afford to change "from violet to red," to "from purple to red", it just makes the line flow better in my opinion.
The 4th stanza didn't quite make sense to me. With "decides your footsteps/ with direction and order" I wasn't sure who was deciding the footsteps (I'm guessing the earth... And I may well just be being thick here). I also think the last line of this felt a bit like forced rhyme to me, but it fits well enough, so just ignore my ramblings...
"weep with great plumage" is a bit of an odd phrase (I'm probably totally missing a clever metaphor here). I just didn't get what you were saying with this, if you could explain it I'd really appreciate it!
I love the last 2 stanzas - they flow really well; I like the same, perfect rhyme continuing to the next stanza; the overall idea given with these stanzas and the conclusive, finished feel they give. I also really like the twist on "In the blink of an eye" with the first line, and the gorgeous imagery in the 3rd stanza.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0