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patterninverted — dusting for white. prints.
Published: 2007-10-13 19:04:40 +0000 UTC; Views: 82; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
the only way out of the dream is up and through it, past the fingertips of existentialism.coming to the year's longest night. the days are a bullet in a dead man's chest.
vision impaired by snowlight. heatless fire; pale, hungry, apocalyptic. everything is starving. the creeks are frozen to the edges, the ribs on the deer are sharply protruding.
there are paws, a scraggly tail sticking up through the snow here and there. feathers. the wolves have come and gone.
the trees have all died and only the strongest religion can break through time and believe they'll revive. against the snow, black cuts on a long white leg.
children go side, up, down, on their backs in the drifted mess and, when they stand, leave behind impressions, mysterious and ominous, of winged creatures. i come upon them as i step through sleeping streets, and though i know what they are, i pause and study them, picking at chapped lips.
i do not pretend to understand. i record them, check them off by ones and twos for the ringing ears of night.
something strange is coming, strange as spring.
i am scared.
i close my eyes and imagine muffled footsteps overhead.
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Comments: 5
Great atmosphere. Each phrase seems to add to each other and yet they flow perfectly.
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Brilliant, the images were so strong and vivid in this. I think "apocolyptic" should be "apocalyptic", and "creeks are frozen to the edges" I would prefer as "the creeks are frozen to the [or "their"] banks", "edges" just sounds a little odd to me (but then I'm a little odd).
"the trees have all died and only the strongest religion can break through time and believe they'll revive" - I really love this idea, it speaks to me of optimism vs pessimism and the personal need for religion in order to hope; believing just because it feels better to believe. I think I'd prefer "the trees have all died" as "all the trees have died" or "all the trees are dead" (I prefer the latter), but I couldn't tell you why...
The use of short sentences was excellent, it made it feel more realistically like thoughts, as though you're suddenly noticing something or making an association in your brain, and it made it more tense. This whole piece was written so perfectly for winter, the sharpness and quickness of the images felt like the crisp cold of snowy nights (I don't know if that makes sense, but maybe you'll catch my drift). Really superb.
Hmm, in terms of categories... it's a shame they haven't got some kind of poetry-prose category. And I think general fiction is the closest you're going to get, you might get away with philosophical 
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Thank you. If you like the imagery in this piece, I strongly advise you to read anything by John Gardner. He wrote most of his novels in the late fifties and early sixties but you would love the poetic way his characters spoke. He was my inspiration for this, I can't say the idea for the short sentences and to-the-point ending was all mine, though I wish I could.
And every time I put a piece up, I think I have you. "Finally!" I think to myself. "I will spell everything right!" Not quite yet, though. I'll get there someday. For now, I thank you for your suggestions and corrections.
And malarky, such a word. I'm forever impressed with your usage of the English language.
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I will most certainly do that. 
Heh heh, you were very close this time! 
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