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PeriodicFable — Deliver us
Published: 2017-08-02 06:52:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 329; Favourites: 20; Downloads: 0
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Description
The wind exhaledThese metal chains upon her
fingers froze in fear.
The pianist gasped
keys reverberating with
tense and bated breath.
The bush rustled then,
it's fragility masked by
haughty foliage.
The cyclist halted
much to the chagrin of the
inferior hill.
Gloved hands held the gift
and muscles relaxed, relieved
that life is okay
after all.
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Comments: 21
You'd spent the lines building up this tension, and I just thought the cyclist stanza/haiku was a nice little touch. It struck me as lighthearted, which then let me know this poem wasn't winding to a darker destination, and it finished it off on that note. I kind of laughed when the spacing between the last stanza and "after all" almost took me back to the previous tension, like how "or is it?" sometimes plays after "the end" in older films.
I think it's difficult to stick to a fixed form, personally, so I always admire the effort of an artist who disciplines themselves.
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Why, thank you so dearly! This means heaps to me, to have you read openly and deeply
It is difficult to stick to a fixed form, indeed, and it varies for all, but it can serve as a good exercise as well as a different way to achieve a unique product. I cannot say I am particularly disciplined, especially with that rebellious "after all" hanging in at the end, but I thank you.
Your response makes me smile! What a feeling, to have someone almost laugh in the best way.
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I think that's why the "after all" was so humorous to me: you go from paying so much attention to detail to just throwing the rule book out the window. Then again, I also am running on only a couple hours of sleep. It still made me chuckle.
The written word is an astounding force. I love how many ways it can impact and touch someone. I'm always happy to share my reading experiences with the writer!
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Aw, hope you catch up on sleep soon, but I'm glad the bubble burst in a pleasant way to you.
And the writer is always more than happy to hear about the reader's reading experience!
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...should that be "and muscles relaxed..."?
good good good The "after all" at the end is cool.
Not sure I understand the chagrin of the inferior hill, though.
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Oh my, thank you for pointing that out! It is now fixed!
I'm glad you liked "after all", there was a debate about whether or not to keep it in.
Well, this is not the only way to read it, but I see that line as meaning that the hill was annoyed at the cyclist pausing in thought before riding it - annoyed that they nearly postponed their competition to best each other 
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those little hills and their issues...
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I love how everything is all tense, in a nice kind of anticipation, and then it all relaxes. It's a very nice feeling this poem gives off.
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This was the intention, and I am truly rapt that it has worked here! Thank you so very much, dear Sandy.
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It's alright.
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I love the feelings these haikus breathe! I don't know what the first one is about at all though, can you explain?
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Oh my, thank you so very much, you make me smile Rose! On whole, I was trying to tell of how the world seems to pause, and anticipate, the delivery of a baby. The first haiku is the most unclear and interpretive of all the stanzas telling this story. Does this help?
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They do all give that feeling of anticipation! ^^ Idk why i couldn't name the feeling earlier. haha.
I didn't catch that the last one was about the birth of a baby! That is what it means right? I was just thinking literally, haha. How sweet! ^^
These are great!
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Haha, oh no worries! As long as it isn't too far-fetched? Yes, it was intended that the last stanza especially would speak of that, but it is okay if one interprets it differently, always! Aw, thank you so much, truly.
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I wouldn't call it far-fetched, just that the meaning is a little hidden.
Is this another fictionally inspired piece, or has there recently been a new birth in your family?
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I'm glad about that - and a fair question, but no! It is fiction
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