HOME | DD

Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

nevermind the past decade, don't even get me started

i have very little good to say about it

& in slight exception of that the past year- one of the hardest of my life

but also the most rewarding & the most worth it

i did some pretty amazing things this past year

including come back to this place

reconnecting with treasured souls

& finding someone really special to me

& i traveled the world to meet that person

& it was amazing

& i find i have hope for my future now , hopefully with him

(on that note i swear i'll get those Australia pics up soon, it's just been so hard)

BUT ON THAT NOTE- i have some news.. i'm going back! in February, and staying til the end of March

so y'all ain't gonna be seeing me during those months

but i'll come back with more pictures & more hope

but with that said i have a little over a month to be here doing things

best i can anyways

,

i hope to be kinder to myself this year & the years coming

because being a survivor of so many things- there was & will still be so much suffering & pain

& i wasn't always kind to myself over it , but we all deserve kindness from ourselves at the very least

because we're all doing the best we can

even if we don't like what our best is sometimes

,

hope the new year treats every single one of you well

,

long journal i know, it's gonna get even longer BECAUSE FEATURE TIMEEEEE- goodfuckingluck

~~~

first a proper shoutout to the people i treasure the most here

for everything they've done for me

& the support they've always shown me

(but in feature format! because too many words already)

ily

Footprintsand i remember waking up and not being dead all i wanted was for you to be angry i can do angerdon't go where i can't follow you said. but then you did just that you went. and i still can't follownow there are pills with more side effects than there are stars in the sky and a cacophony of you'll be okays a white noise of it gets easiers m̶͖̮͇̜̏̃̿ͤ͂̾ͧ̂ͩa̳͉͉̦̫̻̺̦̍ͪ̀̔̋ķ͙̭̮̺̯͓̜͆ͩ̓̇͘͝ẹ̛̩͉̰̜ͤ̔ͪ̊̈̐͐ͬ ̪̗͈̑͑ͩ͌̒̔̍ͅi̶̡̡͈̬̯̝̮̯͌͑ͦ̄̎̄ͯt̘ͩͪ ̛̅ͧͦͤ̎ͫ͛ͮ҉͙͈̞̬̻s̷̳̺̪̩̘̏̈́ͤͭ̐ͤͮ̚t̗̖͈͙͈̭͙̺̐ͮ͒̓̈́̿̐ͭ́͘o̜̮̪̰͛̈̑̽ͭ̇ͧ͒p͍͕̫̓̐̽̾͒͟͟ ̖̞͈̣̣̖̳͇͗̅́̚ ̲̈̔̈́ ̭̥̝̳̥̀̆́ ̻͈̱ͩ̉ͪ͋ͪ̈́̚̚let me exist in the half-light a shadow s e a ... Reflectionsaid the stars to the ocean it is ok.to feel the pressure under the surface suffocating your insides to break yourself on the rocks losing pools of your self every time to be littered with the wrecks of those long forgotten to throw yourself on shore after shore after shore only to retreat again and again and againsaid the stars to the ocean it is ok.we will meet you at the horizon where the earth kisses the skysaid the stars to the ocean it is ok. and although we may not always be with you you carry our reflection safe in your heart In Spirationso you fill your pockets with dirt and plant fistfuls of memories praying that someone will shoot but the only thing that grows is disillusionmentso indifference keeps the lighter to the spoon and you draw up every drop of lost souls aching to taste the ones you had but some deaths are bigger than other deathsso you're only human and to survive you've done terrible, terrible things unbelieving in the promises of future but this is not the end

an ache not fully realizedthe first thing that came to mind when I found out was your laugh how your eyes would squint and your mouth would open so wide and your shoulders would move up and down, up and downthen your long, thin arms how they would stretch across the back of the pew where space was on either side of youand the way you ran your hand through your auburn-dyed hair and how you came to embrace those silver wisps toward the endyour humor, the energy in its dryness mesmerizing and right for you and only you to deliverthe lifelong wisdom you shared each sunday with us as we munched on morning muffins and toasted bagels, coffees steaming beside each plate;... to you, my ghostit is like breathingit is breathingrise and fall rise and fallthen a plateau is a sigh late in the night with the lights dim the world pausedif I stop with you the burden is gone of self-flagellation of wishing it would end the memory of itthe memory of youI am so sorry so very, very sorry transientwe stayed at the marina motel but before reaching that quiet displacement, we passed an abandoned amusement park and clouds blanketed the sky to make the moment grey and dead and apocalyptic -- the roller coasters like ruins of pompeii -- and I held my breath in an impulsive attempt to stay on the outside to not die into the landscape.we stayed on the second floor overlooking a small body of water to watch fishers on small docks adjacent to the parking lot, toss the line and wait like the paucity scattered there wait for the land to not stretch so flat and far for the rain to not visit so much for the tourist to come and leave soonerwe ope...

SmileLove takes practice and you are not your monsters. I see strangers on the sidewalks and where I used to smile like I was tired from battle I smile now like I have won wars for my fellow human beings and I return from grocery stores with baskets full of sunflowers that blossom in an instant— tired, sad, and angry faces soon become the memories of gazes that reflect our inner light back at me when I tell them with my eyes what I see in theirs.You are not over— you have just begun. It does not always get better, but you learn how to get stronger, more creative, more insightful, more brilliant radiating like sunlight even on days you still mig... How to part from living ghosts1.Breathe. The ambulance drives no Memory Lanes but cacophonous roads littered with the shattered mirrors that ribbon the roads in the wake of the chasms of trauma.2. When they try to embrace you, believe in the warmth welled and flushed inside your veins; believe the heart that beats behind your breast; understand that the breath you govern helps you manage your present moment.The hunger you have for a warmth that never was is better sated by your capacity to love yourself.3. When they tell you that they love you, remember in your moment of weakness they do not; that you have had weaker moments where in your vulnerability they tried to po... Healing the Mother WoundWe are all wild birds and some of us are touched by other winds at birth. The mother dove will leave her nest if her children do not smell like her and nothing is more empowering than knowing I was the baby left to die because I had the tools inside me to be the child who survived and not another victim of the vicious cycle that produced me.The child and the chicklet, girl and gosling, I nursed my wounds and learned to love the hymns I sang inside me. I was born a sparrow left to shoulder burdens of an unloved daughter and though disease has splintered me, it’s not the hysterectomy that broke the cycle, and I still can be a loving mother.I...

~~~

second! a collection of some pieces that really touched me , some not poetry included

(okay a lot of it is poetry but i love me some words)

When the year tells you it will be greatWhen the year tells you it will be great, it will be terrible at first, and then you will alight and find that you’re at your destination, wiser, stronger, more like yourself than you ever thought you’d be;When the year tells you it will be great, it will bring tears and stress, blood and sweat, pain and then some, and then you will forget that it said it will be great, you will remember, then, how you said back:I will be greater.When the year tells you it will be great, you yelled back, “I will be greater!” with your calloused hands and bloodshot eyes, with Atlas on your back and quicksand for your foyer, you yelled, “Greater than you!”Th... a message to the stigmaa burden on society; this is who i am and it's burnt into my mind because you shoved it there. violent, aggressive, dangerous. mental illness is not a synonym for murderer. this lie claws its way into the mind of schizophrenics and i wonder if the media is going to move on from psychosis; how soon will my hands be coated crimson because trust me, these hands aren't going anywhere near you and neither are theirs. incompetent, lazy, unintelligent. i am standing here with a past full of A's to prove to you how wrong you are but others aren't so lucky and some days i'm not so lucky; we can achieve but imagine if you lived with a life that lo... gravebornyou’re lying in a grave of your own designtucked close by phantoms of years pasttrapped by trauma and eviscerated by agony.but open your eyes, don't you know now this isn't the end?if you're gentle enough you can pull yourself up and out of this messyour heart’s not ruined, bled out and spent, ventricles open to skyyour muscles remain, your bones are still strong- you can still walk away.you've still got a chance to let the nightmares lose their sway.

cursed shield of athena (of aphrodite).i am stuck between the two unfortunate realizations that i am both too much a feminist and too much a woman.it is hard to be the ugly girl. always a bit too much this , always a bit too few that . always 'maybe if you smiled more', always 'dress up next time', always the sideways glance and sometimes not even that.my voice is too loud, my edges too jagged, my words too familiar and off-putting all at once. too fat for tight clothes, too short for anything bigger; too smart and cruel and uncaring for the boys who pretend to be sweet just as i am too stupid and naive and soft for the boys who entertain themselves with the thought of wome... drift awayYou were drunk and you told me you loved me I was drinking and I said, me too You pulled me on top of you, laughing And I snuggled into your chest, kissing your collarbones. Then your neck.Kisses used to be given so frequently Rays of sunlight filtering in through cheap plastic blinds Waking up in musky armsOr holding hands, drenched in a rare summer rain Sprinting to the riverside Gathering bouquets of flowers, filched from Boxes and hillsidesAnd you were drunk and you told me you loved me I was drinking and I said, me too You pulled me under an overhang And I kissed your lips, deeply. The rain fell.We ran across bridges, ran into build...

Disability ComplexThe bus stop is full of people I take this bus Every DayThe benches at the stop Are full I think nothing of it I stand and waitA touch on my arm Do you want to sit here? A woman, standing, her seat free I stare at herOh. Sure. I say and take the seat Because I don't want to embarrass herI sit and can't stop thinking Why did she give me the seat? Suddenly, my crooked legs The limp in my stepLike a neon sign Disabled Dis-abled Dis abilityIs that why she gave me the seat? I don't need it I can stand. She was trying to be kindIs it Kind? I sat because I didn't know what to say What would happen if I said no?Why did she give me the seat. Was i... on this day, the sirens criedMay 28, 1999:I refuse to die even if it kills me.even if this Midwest lightning reminds me of soft hands and foreign lands I can only understand when my eyes are burning.even if this little ant clinging to my wrist like my fists to a frayed bib at 8:36 suddenly stops squirming.because today the sirens cried and it was almost like God had arrived to hold me one last time and pull His final goodbye,pointing to the point of my knife.and on this day the sirens cried but my clingy little ant didn't seem much to mind,didn't flinch as I held her one last time and said goodbye,setting the knife downand leaving it there Let Me SpeakLet me put in my humble peice to the greater conversance. Despite your talking over me I will speak in defiance.This is my introduction This is simply me No matter what comes later I know who I will be.Even if I whisper I know what I am saying I will not bend, nor break I am standing and staying.If you do not hear I will still speak and you may think you've found me You must still seek

Eerie, Indianaa spray of graveland flash of green amidst a clutch of gutted trees a sombre stretch of soot and some crumbling roadside memoriala dream of something over (still)now back againand how those black clouds settle inthe same spots that they've always beenthe roadmaps etched into your skin the raina million tiny burials Broken WingsYou saidI fellFrom the skyBut my broken wingsMean nothing to youIt seems.

i promise i'll eat after i write thisAnd it sizzled through me- The sickness that used to churn my insides, turn my joyrides into a ghost town. Bones rattled in the breeze and I saw Numbers. The numbers were back and they were Standing so tall and so proud And I heard whispers about Collarbones and hollow stomachs and dead things and I slipped back into The decay. I took the pressed flowers i keep hidden in old poetry books and chewed quietly on the death in them. The petals crumbled to ash on my tongue and I found it no wonder food made me feel so sick. Panic lashed through me at the sameness of it all and how it feels just like it used to exactly the same as it used to but ... Things I Need to AskI have some questions above my pay-grade. I understand we haven't talked much lately but you promised me an open door policy and I want to take you up on it.All he wanted was to play baseball.That's it.His mom goes to church and serves lunches to children, his father's on base, no longer deployed. And he's a child, you know. I figured that should check off all the boxes.I know we're made to question, not necessarily ask why.But all he wanted was to play baseball.You assigned him a word that he can't spell, except phonetically, maybe something like loo-key-me-uh. And with each syllable he gets worse.I am used to seeing dandelions wilt past ...

Mature Content

waterproofsea foam regrets wash this lacerated heart with saline baptisms of un dying love(and etch their wretched revelations on mausoleum walls).your ancient ruins still stand undefeated by impudent waves(like overexposed polaroids showcased in empty exhibitions).and it's futile exorcising my heart of your remnants(because all graveyards need ghosts to haunt them). u k i y oto begin, you open your heart and let in the universe - kalokagathia sparrow the fabric of humankind is a connection one we must offer, reach out for; we are not lonely souls we are, in fact, determined to do better and touch the hearts that are around us, because who we are is defined not but the lining in our pockets but the love we put in each other's hands chatoyant star if you were a child like me, you were taught the stars hold more than fire that hundreds of thousands of lives careened around us... 06.27.19i was born in 1995 and never existed at the same time as mercury. maybei shouldn’t be bitter about it but bitterness is as bitterness does. did it feel good? to call us animals while you issued the slaughterhouseto take humans unfit for consumption. you know, what you did to us, we call it the lost generation. we call it generational trauma. because while ican’t seem to bring up my queerness in conversation even though everyone knows it.did you know smoking is gay ‘cause we need somewhere to blow out the anxiety,did you know how it feels to yearn? how to reach out for someone and have them find you disgusting?and since you didn’t have...

here's to livingwhen you ask me where i've been:i have lived in the morning dew drops on leaves,the space be- tween your fingers, and the spacebetween your inhale and exhale;that moment of silence between picking up the phone and the first hello,the happy finality of ending a good book. i am learning to inhabitthe tiny spaces, like when it's been a long day and you're finally homeand you sit down hard and exhale - this ismy moment, i can live here - when you ask me where i've beeni say, around, and hope you understand. -Drought- With a loss of action, a drought forms from within the mind, body and soul. Be not to me as dark clouds linger, as it teases-- whilst everything withers away. Remove far from me, this dry spell. to flowQuench my desires, Drench me in the rains of passion, Immerse me in your flowing liquid. Like a child yearning for its mother-- From you, my parched lips yearn a drop of dew. Become a ravishing stream, upon me. Allow your waves to precipitate in. Surround me, mystify my mind. Allow me to sip you, be consumed by you..with you-- Merge with me, let us share in this ocean and this drought.

~~~

see you

Heart — Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

nevermind the past decade, don't even get me started

i have very little good to say about it

& in slight exception of that the past year- one of the hardest of my life

but also the most rewarding & the most worth it

i did some pretty amazing things this past year

including come back to this place

reconnecting with treasured souls

& finding someone really special to me

& i traveled the world to meet that person

& it was amazing

& i find i have hope for my future now , hopefully with him

(on that note i swear i'll get those Australia pics up soon, it's just been so hard)

BUT ON THAT NOTE- i have some news.. i'm going back! in February, and staying til the end of March

so y'all ain't gonna be seeing me during those months

but i'll come back with more pictures & more hope

but with that said i have a little over a month to be here doing things

best i can anyways

,

i hope to be kinder to myself this year & the years coming

because being a survivor of so many things- there was & will still be so much suffering & pain

& i wasn't always kind to myself over it , but we all deserve kindness from ourselves at the very least

because we're all doing the best we can

even if we don't like what our best is sometimes

,

hope the new year treats every single one of you well

,

long journal i know, it's gonna get even longer BECAUSE FEATURE TIMEEEEE- goodfuckingluck

~~~

first a proper shoutout to the people i treasure the most here

for everything they've done for me

& the support they've always shown me

(but in feature format! because too many words already)

ily

Footprintsand i remember waking up and not being dead all i wanted was for you to be angry i can do angerdon't go where i can't follow you said. but then you did just that you went. and i still can't follownow there are pills with more side effects than there are stars in the sky and a cacophony of you'll be okays a white noise of it gets easiers m̶͖̮͇̜̏̃̿ͤ͂̾ͧ̂ͩa̳͉͉̦̫̻̺̦̍ͪ̀̔̋ķ͙̭̮̺̯͓̜͆ͩ̓̇͘͝ẹ̛̩͉̰̜ͤ̔ͪ̊̈̐͐ͬ ̪̗͈̑͑ͩ͌̒̔̍ͅi̶̡̡͈̬̯̝̮̯͌͑ͦ̄̎̄ͯt̘ͩͪ ̛̅ͧͦͤ̎ͫ͛ͮ҉͙͈̞̬̻s̷̳̺̪̩̘̏̈́ͤͭ̐ͤͮ̚t̗̖͈͙͈̭͙̺̐ͮ͒̓̈́̿̐ͭ́͘o̜̮̪̰͛̈̑̽ͭ̇ͧ͒p͍͕̫̓̐̽̾͒͟͟ ̖̞͈̣̣̖̳͇͗̅́̚ ̲̈̔̈́ ̭̥̝̳̥̀̆́ ̻͈̱ͩ̉ͪ͋ͪ̈́̚̚let me exist in the half-light a shadow s e a ... Reflectionsaid the stars to the ocean it is ok.to feel the pressure under the surface suffocating your insides to break yourself on the rocks losing pools of your self every time to be littered with the wrecks of those long forgotten to throw yourself on shore after shore after shore only to retreat again and again and againsaid the stars to the ocean it is ok.we will meet you at the horizon where the earth kisses the skysaid the stars to the ocean it is ok. and although we may not always be with you you carry our reflection safe in your heart In Spirationso you fill your pockets with dirt and plant fistfuls of memories praying that someone will shoot but the only thing that grows is disillusionmentso indifference keeps the lighter to the spoon and you draw up every drop of lost souls aching to taste the ones you had but some deaths are bigger than other deathsso you're only human and to survive you've done terrible, terrible things unbelieving in the promises of future but this is not the end

an ache not fully realizedthe first thing that came to mind when I found out was your laugh how your eyes would squint and your mouth would open so wide and your shoulders would move up and down, up and downthen your long, thin arms how they would stretch across the back of the pew where space was on either side of youand the way you ran your hand through your auburn-dyed hair and how you came to embrace those silver wisps toward the endyour humor, the energy in its dryness mesmerizing and right for you and only you to deliverthe lifelong wisdom you shared each sunday with us as we munched on morning muffins and toasted bagels, coffees steaming beside each plate;... to you, my ghostit is like breathingit is breathingrise and fall rise and fallthen a plateau is a sigh late in the night with the lights dim the world pausedif I stop with you the burden is gone of self-flagellation of wishing it would end the memory of itthe memory of youI am so sorry so very, very sorry transientwe stayed at the marina motel but before reaching that quiet displacement, we passed an abandoned amusement park and clouds blanketed the sky to make the moment grey and dead and apocalyptic -- the roller coasters like ruins of pompeii -- and I held my breath in an impulsive attempt to stay on the outside to not die into the landscape.we stayed on the second floor overlooking a small body of water to watch fishers on small docks adjacent to the parking lot, toss the line and wait like the paucity scattered there wait for the land to not stretch so flat and far for the rain to not visit so much for the tourist to come and leave soonerwe ope...

SmileLove takes practice and you are not your monsters. I see strangers on the sidewalks and where I used to smile like I was tired from battle I smile now like I have won wars for my fellow human beings and I return from grocery stores with baskets full of sunflowers that blossom in an instant— tired, sad, and angry faces soon become the memories of gazes that reflect our inner light back at me when I tell them with my eyes what I see in theirs.You are not over— you have just begun. It does not always get better, but you learn how to get stronger, more creative, more insightful, more brilliant radiating like sunlight even on days you still mig... How to part from living ghosts1.Breathe. The ambulance drives no Memory Lanes but cacophonous roads littered with the shattered mirrors that ribbon the roads in the wake of the chasms of trauma.2. When they try to embrace you, believe in the warmth welled and flushed inside your veins; believe the heart that beats behind your breast; understand that the breath you govern helps you manage your present moment.The hunger you have for a warmth that never was is better sated by your capacity to love yourself.3. When they tell you that they love you, remember in your moment of weakness they do not; that you have had weaker moments where in your vulnerability they tried to po... Healing the Mother WoundWe are all wild birds and some of us are touched by other winds at birth. The mother dove will leave her nest if her children do not smell like her and nothing is more empowering than knowing I was the baby left to die because I had the tools inside me to be the child who survived and not another victim of the vicious cycle that produced me.The child and the chicklet, girl and gosling, I nursed my wounds and learned to love the hymns I sang inside me. I was born a sparrow left to shoulder burdens of an unloved daughter and though disease has splintered me, it’s not the hysterectomy that broke the cycle, and I still can be a loving mother.I...

~~~

second! a collection of some pieces that really touched me , some not poetry included

(okay a lot of it is poetry but i love me some words)

When the year tells you it will be greatWhen the year tells you it will be great, it will be terrible at first, and then you will alight and find that you’re at your destination, wiser, stronger, more like yourself than you ever thought you’d be;When the year tells you it will be great, it will bring tears and stress, blood and sweat, pain and then some, and then you will forget that it said it will be great, you will remember, then, how you said back:I will be greater.When the year tells you it will be great, you yelled back, “I will be greater!” with your calloused hands and bloodshot eyes, with Atlas on your back and quicksand for your foyer, you yelled, “Greater than you!”Th... a message to the stigmaa burden on society; this is who i am and it's burnt into my mind because you shoved it there. violent, aggressive, dangerous. mental illness is not a synonym for murderer. this lie claws its way into the mind of schizophrenics and i wonder if the media is going to move on from psychosis; how soon will my hands be coated crimson because trust me, these hands aren't going anywhere near you and neither are theirs. incompetent, lazy, unintelligent. i am standing here with a past full of A's to prove to you how wrong you are but others aren't so lucky and some days i'm not so lucky; we can achieve but imagine if you lived with a life that lo... gravebornyou’re lying in a grave of your own designtucked close by phantoms of years pasttrapped by trauma and eviscerated by agony.but open your eyes, don't you know now this isn't the end?if you're gentle enough you can pull yourself up and out of this messyour heart’s not ruined, bled out and spent, ventricles open to skyyour muscles remain, your bones are still strong- you can still walk away.you've still got a chance to let the nightmares lose their sway.

cursed shield of athena (of aphrodite).i am stuck between the two unfortunate realizations that i am both too much a feminist and too much a woman.it is hard to be the ugly girl. always a bit too much this , always a bit too few that . always 'maybe if you smiled more', always 'dress up next time', always the sideways glance and sometimes not even that.my voice is too loud, my edges too jagged, my words too familiar and off-putting all at once. too fat for tight clothes, too short for anything bigger; too smart and cruel and uncaring for the boys who pretend to be sweet just as i am too stupid and naive and soft for the boys who entertain themselves with the thought of wome... drift awayYou were drunk and you told me you loved me I was drinking and I said, me too You pulled me on top of you, laughing And I snuggled into your chest, kissing your collarbones. Then your neck.Kisses used to be given so frequently Rays of sunlight filtering in through cheap plastic blinds Waking up in musky armsOr holding hands, drenched in a rare summer rain Sprinting to the riverside Gathering bouquets of flowers, filched from Boxes and hillsidesAnd you were drunk and you told me you loved me I was drinking and I said, me too You pulled me under an overhang And I kissed your lips, deeply. The rain fell.We ran across bridges, ran into build...

Disability ComplexThe bus stop is full of people I take this bus Every DayThe benches at the stop Are full I think nothing of it I stand and waitA touch on my arm Do you want to sit here? A woman, standing, her seat free I stare at herOh. Sure. I say and take the seat Because I don't want to embarrass herI sit and can't stop thinking Why did she give me the seat? Suddenly, my crooked legs The limp in my stepLike a neon sign Disabled Dis-abled Dis abilityIs that why she gave me the seat? I don't need it I can stand. She was trying to be kindIs it Kind? I sat because I didn't know what to say What would happen if I said no?Why did she give me the seat. Was i... on this day, the sirens criedMay 28, 1999:I refuse to die even if it kills me.even if this Midwest lightning reminds me of soft hands and foreign lands I can only understand when my eyes are burning.even if this little ant clinging to my wrist like my fists to a frayed bib at 8:36 suddenly stops squirming.because today the sirens cried and it was almost like God had arrived to hold me one last time and pull His final goodbye,pointing to the point of my knife.and on this day the sirens cried but my clingy little ant didn't seem much to mind,didn't flinch as I held her one last time and said goodbye,setting the knife downand leaving it there Let Me SpeakLet me put in my humble peice to the greater conversance. Despite your talking over me I will speak in defiance.This is my introduction This is simply me No matter what comes later I know who I will be.Even if I whisper I know what I am saying I will not bend, nor break I am standing and staying.If you do not hear I will still speak and you may think you've found me You must still seek

Eerie, Indianaa spray of graveland flash of green amidst a clutch of gutted trees a sombre stretch of soot and some crumbling roadside memoriala dream of something over (still)now back againand how those black clouds settle inthe same spots that they've always beenthe roadmaps etched into your skin the raina million tiny burials Broken WingsYou saidI fellFrom the skyBut my broken wingsMean nothing to youIt seems.

i promise i'll eat after i write thisAnd it sizzled through me- The sickness that used to churn my insides, turn my joyrides into a ghost town. Bones rattled in the breeze and I saw Numbers. The numbers were back and they were Standing so tall and so proud And I heard whispers about Collarbones and hollow stomachs and dead things and I slipped back into The decay. I took the pressed flowers i keep hidden in old poetry books and chewed quietly on the death in them. The petals crumbled to ash on my tongue and I found it no wonder food made me feel so sick. Panic lashed through me at the sameness of it all and how it feels just like it used to exactly the same as it used to but ... Things I Need to AskI have some questions above my pay-grade. I understand we haven't talked much lately but you promised me an open door policy and I want to take you up on it.All he wanted was to play baseball.That's it.His mom goes to church and serves lunches to children, his father's on base, no longer deployed. And he's a child, you know. I figured that should check off all the boxes.I know we're made to question, not necessarily ask why.But all he wanted was to play baseball.You assigned him a word that he can't spell, except phonetically, maybe something like loo-key-me-uh. And with each syllable he gets worse.I am used to seeing dandelions wilt past ...

Mature Content

waterproofsea foam regrets wash this lacerated heart with saline baptisms of un dying love(and etch their wretched revelations on mausoleum walls).your ancient ruins still stand undefeated by impudent waves(like overexposed polaroids showcased in empty exhibitions).and it's futile exorcising my heart of your remnants(because all graveyards need ghosts to haunt them). u k i y oto begin, you open your heart and let in the universe - kalokagathia sparrow the fabric of humankind is a connection one we must offer, reach out for; we are not lonely souls we are, in fact, determined to do better and touch the hearts that are around us, because who we are is defined not but the lining in our pockets but the love we put in each other's hands chatoyant star if you were a child like me, you were taught the stars hold more than fire that hundreds of thousands of lives careened around us... 06.27.19i was born in 1995 and never existed at the same time as mercury. maybei shouldn’t be bitter about it but bitterness is as bitterness does. did it feel good? to call us animals while you issued the slaughterhouseto take humans unfit for consumption. you know, what you did to us, we call it the lost generation. we call it generational trauma. because while ican’t seem to bring up my queerness in conversation even though everyone knows it.did you know smoking is gay ‘cause we need somewhere to blow out the anxiety,did you know how it feels to yearn? how to reach out for someone and have them find you disgusting?and since you didn’t have...

here's to livingwhen you ask me where i've been:i have lived in the morning dew drops on leaves,the space be- tween your fingers, and the spacebetween your inhale and exhale;that moment of silence between picking up the phone and the first hello,the happy finality of ending a good book. i am learning to inhabitthe tiny spaces, like when it's been a long day and you're finally homeand you sit down hard and exhale - this ismy moment, i can live here - when you ask me where i've beeni say, around, and hope you understand. -Drought- With a loss of action, a drought forms from within the mind, body and soul. Be not to me as dark clouds linger, as it teases-- whilst everything withers away. Remove far from me, this dry spell. to flowQuench my desires, Drench me in the rains of passion, Immerse me in your flowing liquid. Like a child yearning for its mother-- From you, my parched lips yearn a drop of dew. Become a ravishing stream, upon me. Allow your waves to precipitate in. Surround me, mystify my mind. Allow me to sip you, be consumed by you..with you-- Merge with me, let us share in this ocean and this drought.

~~~

see you