HOME | DD

Description
Did you know that I am afraid of the dark?

I know, it is a silly notion for a vampire. Being afraid of the dark. Especially when I commune with it so goddamn much and claim it as my mistress on nights when my head is too unsettled for me to straighten it out again. Maybe this is why I walk in it so much, to attempt to be a little less petrified of it. The truth is, though, that I know the monsters who reside in the alleyways and side streets, in the spaces where buildings block the light and hide the things that do more than go bump. I am one of those monsters, after all.

Did you know that I am afraid of myself?

Somebody once told me that we never fear anything so much as we fear the evil that resides in our own hearts. That person was a fool, because he had no bloody idea what he was talking about. He may have had his list of pet sins, but he never had to watch a person die fifty times inside his dreams before waking in a cold sweat, with both the desire to block out that memory and the compulsion to do it again. He never had to look at blood with both lust and revulsion and never had to hold a heartbeat within his hands and make the decision whether to let the candle burn or snuff it out between his fingers.

I cannot tell you how often I licked my digits and smirked while extinguishing the flame. This is what I see inside the darkness.

I do not see the stars. I see the crowd of all the saints and angels staring down at me, in equal measures pity and revulsion. I see the people who once looked at me and told me the world was a better place with me in it. I see the only two people I ever watched die without being directly involved in their demise somehow; either as healer or as an assassin. My mother and my father; every morning I watch them die and in the starry night sky, I see them die again as they watch me feast on the souls of wicked men and women.

“Do you love humanity?” is what my father yet asks me. Truth be known, I cannot tell one way or the other any longer.

Did you know that I am a hypocrite?

I tell you how much I hate the blood on my hands while licking my fingers clean. I tell you not to be afraid of me while listening to the drumbeat of your heart lead me into a trance whereby all I hear is the music of a wicked dance and sense myself getting swept up in the tempo. You have no idea how much I want to take you in my arms and draw in heavy doses of the scent that only vampires are aware of; the fragrance of your blood beneath your skin with those veins that throb, engorged with crimson. I want to relieve them of their work load. Surely this is benevolent of me? Surely one of these days, I will wake with absolutely no conscience and have every dilemma in my mind sorted down to its barest essence whereby I see me, killer, and see you, prey.

But for now...

I am afraid of the dark. I fear myself and taste my own hypocrisy on the tip of my tongue while I swish it around in my mouth and swallow it down. The bitter pill lodges in my throat and causes me to choke; causes me to run to the shadows while I search out something to help force the medication down. I linger with the monsters, and see the answer all too clearly when I look into the eyes of saints and angels as they descend from heaven to give me reprieve.

Maybe, just maybe, I can use their blood to wash it down, extinguishing their lives for the sake of saving mine.

Description
Did you know that I am afraid of the dark?

I know, it is a silly notion for a vampire. Being afraid of the dark. Especially when I commune with it so goddamn much and claim it as my mistress on nights when my head is too unsettled for me to straighten it out again. Maybe this is why I walk in it so much, to attempt to be a little less petrified of it. The truth is, though, that I know the monsters who reside in the alleyways and side streets, in the spaces where buildings block the light and hide the things that do more than go bump. I am one of those monsters, after all.

Did you know that I am afraid of myself?

Somebody once told me that we never fear anything so much as we fear the evil that resides in our own hearts. That person was a fool, because he had no bloody idea what he was talking about. He may have had his list of pet sins, but he never had to watch a person die fifty times inside his dreams before waking in a cold sweat, with both the desire to block out that memory and the compulsion to do it again. He never had to look at blood with both lust and revulsion and never had to hold a heartbeat within his hands and make the decision whether to let the candle burn or snuff it out between his fingers.

I cannot tell you how often I licked my digits and smirked while extinguishing the flame. This is what I see inside the darkness.

I do not see the stars. I see the crowd of all the saints and angels staring down at me, in equal measures pity and revulsion. I see the people who once looked at me and told me the world was a better place with me in it. I see the only two people I ever watched die without being directly involved in their demise somehow; either as healer or as an assassin. My mother and my father; every morning I watch them die and in the starry night sky, I see them die again as they watch me feast on the souls of wicked men and women.

“Do you love humanity?” is what my father yet asks me. Truth be known, I cannot tell one way or the other any longer.

Did you know that I am a hypocrite?

I tell you how much I hate the blood on my hands while licking my fingers clean. I tell you not to be afraid of me while listening to the drumbeat of your heart lead me into a trance whereby all I hear is the music of a wicked dance and sense myself getting swept up in the tempo. You have no idea how much I want to take you in my arms and draw in heavy doses of the scent that only vampires are aware of; the fragrance of your blood beneath your skin with those veins that throb, engorged with crimson. I want to relieve them of their work load. Surely this is benevolent of me? Surely one of these days, I will wake with absolutely no conscience and have every dilemma in my mind sorted down to its barest essence whereby I see me, killer, and see you, prey.

But for now...

I am afraid of the dark. I fear myself and taste my own hypocrisy on the tip of my tongue while I swish it around in my mouth and swallow it down. The bitter pill lodges in my throat and causes me to choke; causes me to run to the shadows while I search out something to help force the medication down. I linger with the monsters, and see the answer all too clearly when I look into the eyes of saints and angels as they descend from heaven to give me reprieve.

Maybe, just maybe, I can use their blood to wash it down, extinguishing their lives for the sake of saving mine.