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Poetic-Pyro — The Gift: Chapter One
Published: 2004-03-30 19:40:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 132; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 59
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Description     Janis stood there, like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car, frozen. She couldn’t move, she was paralyzed with fright. The thing in front of her seemed surreal, as if she had passed into another dimension. She surveyed its grotesque features, wondering what its next move would be, hoping for more time. She beheld the blood red eyes that seemed to be bulging from their sockets; the nose that seemed to be molded from clay by a child and stuck onto the brutes head; the bright red lips, seemingly painted that color but truly not; all of that on a face so pale that the thing seemed a century dead. Suddenly it spoke, the bright red lips parting slowly yet so suddenly that she jumped.
    “Come with me” it said in an unearthly tongue that Janis did not know yet somehow could understand. “I am Yomoko Samos, I am of the race of Eretanas which dwell on the planet Gatawe”
    Janis spoke despite the fact that she was trembling “D-do I need t-to re-remember all of th-that?”
    “No that’s quite al right” here he paused and laughed, a deep rumbling sound that shook the chamber though scared Janis even more. “Just try and remember my name, though you can shorten it to Yoko”
    “A-alright Y-Yoko”
    “Now come child you must see the ambassador of our civilization, the boss as you may call him.”
    He started walking down the hall toward a corridor that seemed endless once they had traveled it a ways. No light was visible ahead of them and she was afraid they would be trapped in the dark forever when he spoke once again.
    “Earthling, tell me your name!” He roared and Janis jumped so high that her head hit the ceiling of the passageway they were in and she fell to the floor, barley conscious. He mumbled something that seemed like some sort of spell and then spoke again. “Awaken little one. ” she lay still for another moment and then stood. “are you alright?” He said, much quieter this time so as not to frighten her.
    “yes I think so”
    “good, I apologize for startling you. Now child, tell me your name so I can give you your package and name tag”
    “it’s Janis, Janis Zane” at this he handed her a small gift bag and a pin with her name scrawled across it in an unruly hand. She reached to open the gift bag when he spoke once again, though at this time she was getting used to the start of his booming voice.
    “Do not open that until instructed to do so and make sure your pin is on when you do. Something disastrous will happen if you disobey. I assume you have read the story of Pandora’s Box?”
    “Yes, last week in language arts all of my class read it”
    “Good, if you open that bag it will be like Pandora’s Box but without the hope at the bottom”
    “Thank you for warning me Yoko, but I am tired, may I sleep now?”
    “Yes child, sleep, but put the pin on first.” She attached the pin and did not notice a sly grin appear on Yoko’s face.
    “Where do I sleep?” She yawned loudly and searched the walls for a door.
    “Just through here” as he spoke a small panel that she had not seen opened on the wall. They both walked in to a fully furnished bedroom with a large canopy bed in the center. “lie down child and sleep, I shall return for you when you awake”
    “Okay, thank you I really need this” she walked over to the bed and lay down.
    “Sleep child, sleep” as he spoke Janis drifted into a deep slumber.
    “I will have to get a raise for this one” Yomoko whispered to himself as he smiled “This is my best plan yet!” he walked out of the room, still smiling.
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Comments: 9

Anglic-Storm [2004-04-17 19:09:38 +0000 UTC]

thats brilliant I love the way you ended it

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Poetic-Pyro In reply to Anglic-Storm [2004-04-23 22:57:16 +0000 UTC]

thanks, glad you think so. i know its sort of a cliff hanger but i have no time to get anything written and im killing myself over it...

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Anglic-Storm In reply to Poetic-Pyro [2004-04-24 06:56:16 +0000 UTC]

*pat pat* well I await the finished version with baited breath

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Poetic-Pyro In reply to Anglic-Storm [2004-04-24 18:50:35 +0000 UTC]

alright, ill make shure it gets up as soon as humanly possible, im spending all my free time on it (not much)

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Anglic-Storm In reply to Poetic-Pyro [2004-04-24 19:11:04 +0000 UTC]

hehe

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Poetic-Pyro [2004-03-31 21:18:51 +0000 UTC]

thanks dude, im glad people are reading it, no one ever seems to read my prose submissions...

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xXbleedingXredsoulXx [2004-03-31 21:08:21 +0000 UTC]

nice i like it

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pluggedinbaby [2004-03-30 20:26:33 +0000 UTC]

It's good... the metaphors and similies you use are very effective (that's something I really wish i could do), and i really like the way you describe stuff.
I think it needs a bit more tension though. Which can easily be accomplished by shorter sentences.
And Janis' approach to things, meeting this creature thing seems FAR too calm.. by the way you described it I'd be struggling and screeching.
But those are just suggestions, I hope they helped.
Good luck with the rest ^^

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Poetic-Pyro In reply to pluggedinbaby [2004-03-30 20:56:36 +0000 UTC]

thanks, the things you mentioned will be explained in later chapters but i dont want to give it away so you'll have to wait but you are right.

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