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PrettyThings9 — Punctuation
Published: 2012-07-11 21:09:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 523; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 3
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Description
It is easyTo forget.
And forget that we live.
To sink deeper into cloying scents of rose and opiate,
A dull suffocation
Of silk petals.
The days lengthen, the sun rises
A candle which never extinguishes
And the heady days seem endless
Time stands still
Stagnates.
The dust settles. The paper yellows.
The inky ribbon dries and curls and turns to ash.
The typewriter is still.
The air thickens, condenses,
Crystallises, and every movement floats
And waves unbroken in dull opium haze.
And
Then
Puncture.
The sky splits a seam of silver, and the vaulted clouds
Are torn to reveal the infinite bright universe.
The rain
Ploughs through the thick air, churning up
The scent of grass, earth, petals, pine.
Wet skin, a lick of hair on damp cheek
Like a stroke of purple paint.
A clatter of hailstones as loud as
The drumming of metal keys,
The typewriter springing to life from the depths
Of cloying contentment and stillness.
The heart of life, of story
Jumping back
And it
Beats and beats and beats.
Shivering, laughing, the wet garden humming,
The thunder rolling quietly away and
The punctures of punctuation still
Shaking the earth.
What did I know,
Thinking that summer
Should last forever.
We remember time, as it spins on its axis once more.
The interruption of the storm fades,
It has done, is done.
The punctuation final
The machine stopped.
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Comments: 10
I like the structure of it all and how you have broken things up a bit.. to slow down the pace, I suppose, as well as to emphasise the concept a bit more.
It does feel a bit choppy... but then it also works, as if we are taking it all in, fragment upon fragment at a time.
I think my favourite bit is:
Wet skin, a lick of hair on damp cheek
Like a stroke of purple paint.
I really like the imagery here, and the description of it all too.
I think the themes are interesting enough. The pace does get faster towards the end and everything ties in nicely towards the end too, though I was wondering where it was all heading at the beginning. It is interesting how it feels both natural in setting, and yet mechanical too with the inclusion of the machine.
I do like it.. it feels quite the dichotomy and the contrast is interesting. I do feel that the top isn't as good as the bottom there... I feel that you really get into it at the bottom but the top is just.. rote, almost.
Great stuff, anyway! It's been a long time.
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yes, i wanted a lethargic sense, at least in the beginning.
i like that bit too! i can't decide if i like the alliteration on 'purple paint' or i want something more specific with regards to colour.
ah, the mechanical sense is an interesting twist, i'm always fascinated by what comes through in the writing sometimes unconsciously...
it did take me a while to get going...but maybe that's part of it, the top being slightly clunky...hmmm, i shall have a gander...
it has! i want to post really good stuff so for some reason i'm always kinda unwilling almost to post hastily
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I guess you could muse upon it a bit.
Possibly! It could work with the whole piece there, in terms of meaning and more.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm the same.
Though that isn't saying much as I haven't posted in a long time now.
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indeed...i'll have a think...
hahah well, it means the stuff you do post is top notch
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The themes... the themes. The themes are great, really. You combine them in a truly original way--rather than pitting opposites against each other, you more place them adjacent, letting each complement the other in a natural progression of events; a natural progression emphasized by your use of weather, of seasons, of the unpredictable and the inevitable. The stagnation is suffocating and the dynamism inspiring, and the two meld near-perfectly. The sense I get from the piece is probably made clear by my discussion of the themes: a period of suffocation, but not unwelcome suffocation, a writer's block induced by the haze of summer, followed, no, punctuated by a lightning-flash of inspiration which manifests as a sudden storm that dispels the heavy air, leaving behind traces of the inspiration that so moved the speaker, then fading back into the summer haze. And though there is the impression of stillness, movement, then stillness once again (reflected in the pacing), something has changed--the speaker has remembered that summer does not last forever, has remembered "the heart of life, of story."
Overall, I definitely enjoyed this piece. It was executed very smoothly, and though you could have fallen into cliche territory, you incorporated enough layers (the typewriter, the weather, the forgetfulness and remembrance) to give the piece a depth that is not all too common in poetry. My only issue with it was word choice in a couple places, though this is entirely personal preference--I have trouble taking the word "purple" seriously. It's just... a bit awkward-sounding. To me, at least. Other than that, fantastic work.
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first off, thanks for such an in-depth comment! i really appreciate it 
ah thank you, i did want to convey that sense of the two sounds and themes combining until they were almost indiscernible. yes! you have hit the nail on the head there, and i'm so glad the metaphors came through there
i'm glad you enjoyed it! i agree with your view on 'purple', actually, i feel it's a bit too general almost...i'll go back and have a shifty tweak. thanks again!
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This is fabulous! You're great at choosing just the right words to set and hold the different moods. Also, I love the mental images your stanzas provided. I'm crazy about visualizing stuff
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thank you
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