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ProFastus — Caustic Reverie
Published: 2010-10-25 21:19:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 293; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 9
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Description
It was impossible to stop;He rose to power regardless
Of how anyone felt.
But you were so adamant throughout it all;
You gave so many people hope.
Me, especially.
And on the day you decided to practice what you've been preaching,
I was scared.
Scared that you would come back alone,
Without yourself.
Dead.
You came back fucking dead.
He sent your corpse as a message to emasculate.
He failed.
Your death invigorated us all.
Me, especially.
Were you aware that I loved you when you were alive?
It doesn't matter now.
He inadvertently took everything from me.
Now I have nothing left but to take it back-
With interest.
He will die today.
I will slit his throat;
I will weaken and break his stranglehold;
I will snap his neck in two;
I will lacerate every inch of his body.
I will free our country.
I will give your life closure.
And then I will die.
My only hope is that my belief of there being no afterlife…
Is wrong.
Because I need you.
I'm picking up my weapons now;
This will be my last message to you before we meet somewhere less…
Harrowing…
Than this Godforsaken sphere of litany.
You were touted as a traitor, a fool, and a weakling.
This caustic reference to your image has always been held aloft in my mind…
So that I can incessantly reach up and tear it to shreds.
You are and were the only thing I cared about.
You gave me hope;
You drew me out of my hellhole of a mind.
Even if you never loved me,
Everything I did was for you.
You give me cause for reprisal.
This man will more than "pay" for his crimes.
He will live through each and every putrid paradigm he fabricated.
And while I destroy him,
I will be thinking of you.
My final act in life will be to anoint his forehead with your cracked, dry lips.
He will die, then, from your kiss of death.
I love you.
Comments: 5
I really loved it right up until the line 'He will die today.' It's very concise and powerful, even subtle; the first stanza especially just stuck in my head with its feeling of inevitability. It was easy to imagine who might be writing this, and feel what they were feeling.
There were some snags, though. The stanza "Dead. / You came back fucking dead. / He sent your corpse as a message to emasculate" is great for the first two lines (the harshness is really nice) but the last one is a little clunky. 'Emasculate,' especially, doesn't seem to fit.
After the line "He will die today." I felt like the poem got bogged down a bit. That half is very obvious, compared to the understated first half. It seems to me like you could cut a good bit out and link the first half directly to some of the ending lines; it would have a more consistent tone, and it would flow better.
Overall, great. Good ideas, good start, some great imagery and feeling. A little more, and it would really stand out.
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Thanks for the feedback.
Unfortunately, I'm not well learned in the ways of poetry. I just typed this out as it came, so I'm surprised it's even good at all.
Having reread while keeping in mind your critique, I can see what you mean by the poem getting "bogged down". To be honest, I let my thoughts lead me away, so my original premise became intertwined with current real life emotional states. And if you'll allow me to, the music I was listening to suddenly changed mood, so that may have contributed to the bogging down. (This isn't to say I'm some prodigy otherwise.)
By the way, I used the word "emasculate" purely because I like the sound of it. I wasn't exactly thinking along the lines of a flowing poem.
Again, though, thanks for the feedback. It was very informative, and certainly helpful. If I can get off my lazy ass I will definitely go back and rewrite with your advice in mind.
Before I end this reply, would you mind answering a question? I don't mean to subject you to my desire for specifics, so don't feel obligated to indulge me, but the lines:
"I will slit his throat;
I will weaken and break his stranglehold;
I will snap his neck in two;
I will lacerate every inch of his body."
Do they seem to add to the degradation of the flow? Do you feel like the simple majority of the latter half of the poem is the problem? Which lines, precisely, (if you have them picked out) at the end do you feel are worth keeping?
As I said, don't feel obligated to indulge my questions. A fair warning: Doing so will enable me, and I will likely continue to prod you for more information.
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That particular passage both fits and doesn't; I like the tone for the first three lines. The sentences that start with 'I' after that seem like unneeded repetition, and do more telling than showing.
Less is more, really; if you keep that sort of subtle, understated intensity, you're doing well. Describing emotional states very obviously, planning revenge in a very visceral, visual way, none of that fits. The first half is remembering, the second part is action. But if you can distance that action a bit, make it cold and brutal and quick, then it will hit a lot harder.
As for lines I'd keep: "Because I need you."; "And while I destroy him, / I will be thinking of you."; "This man will more than "pay" for his crimes." (although I'd leave it at 'this man will more than pay.', if I were writing it).
You're really good at keeping things quick and powerful in the first half. Even there, you could cut things down; "He sent your corpse as a message to emasculate." could be cut simply to "He sent your corpse as a message.", or even "He sent your corpse / as a message." Cutting sentences into two lines adds emphasis to the lower line, and if you have a period there, it makes it sound much more final.
Good luck revising, or, as you say, getting around to revising. I know that feeling well.
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You're the first person to actually offer genuine and thorough critique in a long while, so forgive my previous "overthankfulness".
Though, I do thank you again. I think I actually have the motivation to go back and adjudicate the piece.
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