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ProjectDefect — Pulse, Pulse
Published: 2009-06-23 02:03:36 +0000 UTC; Views: 169; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 1
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Description
Pulse, PulseMy brain is growing
Pulse, Pulse
My veins are flowing
Pulse, Pulse
The pain is slowing
Pulse, Pulse
I'm back
Lids snap open with pupils shrunken
Bleary gaze from eyes all sunk in
Trying to move but metal braces prevent me
Locking my wrists, time to break free
Concentrate, now the screws spin in reverse
Shackles shed, now free to roam the earth
Pull out the rubber tubes feeding drugs into my system
Morphine, NO2, Adrenaline
Oh how I'll miss them
Now my torso's bare, and my feet are cold
Time to dress myself
The medics' stares are getting old
Pull on the combat boots
Shrug into the strait jacket
Reserved for insanity, I don't lack it
Are the laces tightened?
Must have the straps secured
Escape the premises
There is no way to be cured
Clear the path, to block my way is so absurd
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Comments: 2
I find it would work even better by removing all those commas, you already elided them for the most part so they might as well go for good. Could you also, maybe, try to continue the game of repetition from the first group, albeit in a different manner, throughout out the whole thing? it looks a bit lonely up there.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks much for the critique.
I shall revise the poem a bit, it does look a tad choppy.
=]
👍: 0 ⏩: 0