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“Said the Barfly to the Spider”
An illionore - Family Guy crossover
by pseudoaddiction7

Amanda

Never before had Kelsey so strongly urged Jen and I for a summer holiday in so specific a time and place as Quahog, Rhode Island, 2001! “I can feel an attraction!” bounced Kelsey, “through time and space! We must go now!” Jen hardly could pack her own luggage. “I suppose a day’s excursion would be best?” That is, before Kelsey dragged us all through the inter- dimensional rift.

Jen briefly drove us through the solid-colored town (from the backseat I blushed from glimpses of her sandaled toes on the pedal!) Kelsey darted her head every which way, even sniffing the air! to locate the source of this attraction. Suddenly, “let me out!” she cried, “we’re getting close!” Jen pulled over to let Kelsey out. “We won’t be far,” Jen failed to say before Kelsey sped off.

What a peculiar place to live! People’s eyes were semi-closed as though contented and not bothered by sudden distortions of time and place! Segues, celebrities and unpredictable scenes, transported people in and out! “Imagine if every moment was this disjointed for us,” I said. To which Jen replied, “come to think of it, it sort of is now.”

The sun set and Quahog began to glow with lights. An angry man yelled and scratched at his door with a broom handle. “Get owff! get owwff already!” “KELSEY!” I realized. She plastered herself to the door like a magnet to steel! “That’s our friend!” we called. Only Jen’s gentle grasp could make her yield.

“We’re sorry for the trouble,” I said to the man.
“Eh,” he said, suddenly polishing a pint glass, “if you’re all thirsty, you can come right in. Happy ‘owa just stahted.” The neon lights above the place said “The Drunken Clam.”

Rock music played above both our heads and the bar against the wall. A fat man, a large-chinned man and a red-headed lady in stunning dress, all drank and talked together there. A gleam in Kelsey’s eyes directed us to them.

Jen opened with a friendly “hello!” They all turned to us with drinks in hand and smiles. “Why, hello, there!” the lady greeted us nasally, “we haven’t seen you all before!”

“We just arrived in town, actually,” I said, “This is our first time here.”
“I’m Lois, this is my husband, Peter, and Quagmire.”
“Petah Griffin!” said the fat man.

The large-chinned man, Quagmire, and Kelsey, both locked eyes on each other. He shimmied his head back and forth in a rhythm I’ve never seen before! I had seen that mischievous grin on Kelsey’s face before.

“We are Jen,” said Jen, “Amanda, and Kelsey. Nice to meet you all!”
“Well, have a seat at da bah with us!” gestured Peter, “stay a while!”
“Yes *hic*” hiccuped Lois, suddenly. “we rarely see new faces!”
And I rarely found myself so suddenly enthralled. On Lois’s open-toed, studded pumps…

**********

Kelsey

So, this was the man who I detected: summerly dressed, slick shoed, unflappably-chinned, and with libido to match every man and woman I’d ever drained combined! Even then, Quagmire’s energies flowed into me by glimpses. I could hardly wait to see how much more I could drain!

“Oh, you better watch out, girls,” smiled Lois as an aside to us, “*hic* once Quagmire starts putting on the moves, he doesn’t know when to stop!”
“Well, there’s no holiday like a memorable one!” said Jen.
“Mmhmm,” blushed Amanda, who kept gawking at Lois’ feet while she was distracted.
“Hey, Horace!” called the fat man, “how ‘bout a round a’ Pawwtucket Patriots? Give ‘em a real night in Co-hawg!”
“On me,” hiccuped Lois, “I’m feelin’ just that crazy tonight!”
Horace, the broomstick man, started passing beers around.
“What’s the occasion?” asked Jen.
“Happy freakin’ whatever now! Hehehehehehe!” laughed the fat man, nuzzling up to Lois, “I love you when you’re drunk!”

Suddenly, double-time swing from the jukebox had Quagmire and I dancing while Jen, Amanda and the others, kept drinking. I kicked off my shoes and enchanted the air with my dance. Quagmire stepped so rapidly he seemed a blur of red and blue around me, a worthy rival to my own power!

“Nice moves, swinger,” I grinned toothily.
“Heh, heh, not yet, Charlotte,” he joked again, probably on my spidey earrings, my spidey dress, and my spidey sandals, “Wilbur’s gotta oink before he goes wee, wee wee, all the way home! All right!”
-
“Charlotte,” said Wilbur at the farm (I wondered what the hell I was watching and why it was happening!), “I really appreciate
you keeping me from the chopping block but you can stop making webs now.”
Charlotte watched silently from the web, which said “WHAT A HUNK!”
“…well, ‘cuz, see, my girlfriend thinks that we’re together and I don’t want her to get the wrong idea, so if you could lighten up on the webs, that would be great.”
Later, Wilbur returned to find Charlotte halfway through spinning another web, which read “UNGRATEFUL BASTA-“
“Go **** yourself!” yelled Wilbur.
-
I found myself suddenly in a living room a lavish furniture, leopard skin comforters, a mini-bar, and a heart-shaped bed, folded-out from the wall. “How the hell did we get here?” I questioned aloud.

Toto’s “Hold the Line” played from the wall stereo, and Quagmire stepped in time to the music. Every move he made flooded my veins with energy. So much that I could hardly stand it.

But now was my chance to usurp that energy directly from the source! My dress jettisoned from me, and I flaunted my spidey breast. Still, he kept that same cool facade.

“I think it’s time Charlotte spun her web,” I lasciviously suggested.
Hold the line!
“OKAY!” he cried, and off flew his clothes! A tsunami of energy surged, knocking me back!
“What the-“ I actually said. Never had I encountered such force before!
Love isn’t always on time!
He laid himself out on the “love seat” with a coy “the fly is in position, alllll right.”
It’s not in the words that you told me…
I held my hands up in front of me, ready to snatch the energy! “Q-fly, don’t bother me,” I quipped.
It’s not in the way you say you’re mine, oooo-ooo-ooo-oooh!
He then removed his underpants, and a phantasm of light flooded the living room, shooting out the windows!
“AAAAAHHHH!”

**********
Jen

Dooon’t-staaaand-soooo-cloooose-tooooo-meeeee….
“So I showed up with my engagement present,” said Peter, “da freakin’ Statue of Liberty’s foot! But Quagmire wouldn’t take it!”
Peter, Lois, Amanda and I, all laughed.
“Oh, ‘scuse me,” said Lois as she stood up, “gotta tinkle!”
“Me, too, actually,” blushed Amanda, who followed Lois to the ladies’ room.
“So, uh, what do ya do, anyway?” Peter asked me.
“I used to be a police officer,” I explained, “now, I’m just on holiday!”
“You have any kids?”
I showed him a photo of my girls, all flaunting swimsuits for bunny dress. Peter’s jaw dropped. “Dat-is-awesome.” I laughed at his awe.

The jukebox restarted but it was “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by the Police, again.
Peter finished his fourth lager before bellowing: “Hey, Horace, what da hell is this, Sting night? We must-a heard this sawng like ten times now!”
“Ay-sk the brawd at the juke-bawx. She’s been shovin’ quarters in for da passed twenty minutes!”
“Kelsey!” I exclaimed.

I finally recognized her pigtails from behind. She collapsed herself standing up over the jukebox. I approached her in time to hear her muttering “don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me” over and over again. I turned her around. Her eyes had spirals like she was in a trance!

“Kelsey! Snap out of it!” I shook her repeatedly.
“Uhhnnn… Jen, is that you?”
“Yes, it’s me! We’re at the bar, remember?”
Her eyes began to clear but they exhaustedly dazed on. “Uhhhhh…”
“What happened? Where’s Quagmire?”
“I left himmmm behind,” she dozed.
“Did he do something?”
“No, heeeeee didn’t do anything.”
“But something did happen?”
“Jen,” she said finally, “I prooooomise I’m okay. I came here looking for something, I found it, and now, I’ve had my fill. Just get me outta heeeeeere,” she slumped over my shoulders.
“Jeez,” brushed up Peter beside me, “Quagmire take her back to his place?”
“I think she’s just had a long night.”
“Yeah, he can be a real prick. Come to think of it, where da hell is he?”
“Yeah, where’s Amanda?”

Peter and I popped open the ladies’ room to discover Lois, giggling, up to her heel, probing Amanda’s mouth with her foot. We stood in shock for a moment. Amanda glowed cherry-red on her back.

Lois acknowledged us finally and laughed: “Don’t knock it ’til you try it!”
“Hey guys,” perked up Quagmire behind us, “what’s hap-WAYOHWAYHIYAWADDAHAYA!” He fled immediately.
“Amanda, Kelsey’s not feeling well. I think we’re headed home now.”
Lois popped her toes back out, much to Amanda’s bemusement. “Aw, so soon?”
Kelsey groaned over my shoulder. “Unfortunately, yes,” I concurred.

Peter imbibed the last of his beer while Lois slipped her wetted foot back in-shoe. They seemed accustomed to such silliness that they pleasantly walked us all to the front door. Quagmire mysteriously remained seated at the bar, watching tv.

“It was nice to meet you all,” Lois smiled, “Maybe we’ll cross paths again?”
“In another time, perhaps?” I replied.
Amanda’s smile stretched a bushel-wide in quiet revery.
“Lucky dere’s always another time, hehehehehehe!” laughed Peter, “Take care, gals!”
“Byeeee!” How happy they all were! Even Kelsey stopped groaning as I walked her out. I was going to miss a place that could do all the things that make us laugh and cry.
**********

“Say, Quagmire,” sidled Peter, “what da hell happened earlier?”
“Said the barfly to the spider,” grinned Quagmire, “‘ready or not, I’m always buzzed,’ giggity, giggity, gig-guh-dee!”