HOME | DD

PuppetMaster1965 — CSNOWT Chapter 5
Published: 2013-10-21 22:50:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 107; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description Her mother was behind her again, she said that one of her friends had given this to her (to give to Luka). She held it out, another glow-stick (only bigger and more magic-wand shaped), golden yellow this time, and Luka smiled like the rest of the children, happily indulging in the pleasure of a new toy (we all know it). And her mother got a great big bear hug and a mawkish "I love you so so much!" (her mother grinned loving the feeling of being a 'good mom' that she got for teaching good habits, give and get sequences).
She waved it around for awhile, while walking across the curb. She looked into the crowd to her left and cast magic spells that would make the peoples faces more attractive (because she felt no woman needed to look similar to her teacher, the one with  the hooked nose, and although she did see her she felt there was nothing that she could do to help her).
She had animated chats with her friends from school, who had a slumber party she knew nothing about. The antidote was smile to her mother, so that she'll buy her an ice-cream on the way home.
Luka got a mint-chocolate-chip, and her mother stole licks (more like mouthfuls!) from the sides she claimed were dripping. They ate it on the bench outside, and stared up into the sky.
The term 'wishing on a star' was useless, in the case you were wishing for the stars to return. So Luka instead wished on every can, bag, and candy wrapper she cleaned from the streets (volunteer work) as she tossed them into the trash.
Her mother tucked her into bed, (her mother never tucked her into bed) and leaned over to kiss her goodnight. She never read stories to her anymore either, and Luka pretended not to miss them (Wrapped up in her zebra print comforter it was hard to miss anything, it made her that tired).
The candies were scattered across the floor, disseminated for collection on a later date (to be used for Halloween candy if they weren't stale).
She never really forgot about her wish (the one she made every night in routine), but grew to learn that wishes were nothing more than wishful thinking. And that was all they ever were.
Related content
Comments: 3

GuinevereToGwen [2013-10-24 22:14:54 +0000 UTC]

I've read through your story, and here are the notes I took while reading:



This story could fit into one single deviation. There really is no reason to separate it into 5 deviations.

It doesn’t go anywhere for the longest time. And even at the end, it feels like nothing’s really happened.

What does the title means? It doesn’t seem to have much significance.

Lots of sentence fragments.

Lots of run-on sentences.

Many punctuation errors and typos.

There should be more spaces between paragraphs to make reading easier. Easier on the eye.


I know this is rather harsh, but I thought I'd give you my honest opinion, because despite a lack of story or plot, I feel like this story has a lot of potential. I think it's because I like your writing so much. However, there were many mistakes and fragments and run-ons, which was distracting. I would suggest reading through this, looking for mistakes, and making sure that your sentences are full, and not simply strung together with too many commas.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

PuppetMaster1965 In reply to GuinevereToGwen [2013-10-24 23:53:29 +0000 UTC]

Ok, yeah I'm not very good with plot

That was harsh, but thank you!

When i get home I'll reread it

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

GuinevereToGwen In reply to PuppetMaster1965 [2013-10-25 00:32:18 +0000 UTC]

Awesome! Good luck! I was very happy to help.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0