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Published: 2013-01-12 16:33:18 +0000 UTC; Views: 133; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 2
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Description
Diving through winds stocked with snow, a large black bird follows the scent of fresh blood. They spiral down hungrily to the window of a motel, pecking at the window glass. The glow of the moon and the snow reflecting it provides the only light. The bird lands, flustered from the cold and wind, and pecks at the window. They realize this is not working and peck at the door latch. The cheap hinge falls open in a gust of wind and the bird hops inside. They march dutifully through the room as the snow falls and wets the carpet and examine the body of a dead woman. At first, they hear nothing and peck with needle like teeth at the bits of flesh on her soft young cheeks.Suddenly they jump back as a soft and whimpering cry is issued from the woman. But, the bird can swear to this day, her mouth did not move. It craned it's head towards the corpse, which was still warm and had not been dead long at all, and tried to figure where that odd babyish noise had come from. They are once again focusing closing on her face, soft and pale, with red hair sprayed in a halo around it, when another short cry is heard. It jumps back again and finally takes notice of the cause of the woman's death- a stomach area torn out. Her blood soaked nightshirt still covers the wound and the bird, curiously, takes its teeth and tears open the shirt. Below is carnage. Something shifts within the pit of gore. It is a child, cradled gently in the open womb. It cries, softly, but the old bird hears only its louder cries. She is hard of hearing.
The bird is now unconcerned with the potential meal, fascinated by this babe. She knows what has to be done, despite her stomach crying for food. The harpy leaps onto the bed and takes the remainder of the sheets. With one clawed foot she sets to work gently moving the child into a nest of blanket's and wrapping all but his still-wet head tightly for warmth. She picks it up mindfully in her teeth now and hops towards the window, leaping into the sill to leave. She takes one last look at the dead mother, and then flies her newborn child away to an orphanage.
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Comments: 23
Strudel--Cutie4427 [2013-01-13 22:28:43 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
(Don't you love the ability to critique? XD)
I think this is a really interesting beginning - I was almost sad when it finished so soon.
First thing - I was a little confused over the birds. Were there more than one? Was the Harpy a shape-shifter or were the birds her children or minions? (If I'm remembering right harpys are human-like with feathers and bird-like features)
Second - I can really see it happening (Unfortunately for the gore I see that too lol) so you did well in explaining the visual side of things.
Last - it leaves me wanting more, with many questions remaining. This is what I like to see in a story. (I also hate it because I always want to know XD)
(Idk what vision is exactly but I can visulize it so that counts, right?)
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PythonEMelon In reply to Strudel--Cutie4427 [2013-01-14 00:47:25 +0000 UTC]
Well, thank you for the critique ^^ I meant that there is a single bird, a harpy. Notice I never mentioned a beak- I imagine harpies as large bird-like creatures with gnarled legs and rough black feathers, and humanoid face with a often long nose, no lips, and lots of little pointed teeth.
As for wanting more, it was meant to be short and invite a kind of yearning that would get them reading the next chapters. thank you for the positivity, I'm glad you enjoyed it
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Strudel--Cutie4427 In reply to PythonEMelon [2013-01-14 01:00:57 +0000 UTC]
Yeah that sounds about right
Well you're the writer - I'm glad you're so good at it
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PythonEMelon In reply to Strudel--Cutie4427 [2013-01-14 01:13:18 +0000 UTC]
thank you ^^ I'm glad you like it
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Strudel--Cutie4427 In reply to PythonEMelon [2013-01-14 01:39:46 +0000 UTC]
Just one big problem... WHENS THE NEXT PART????? XD Joking (mostly lol)
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PythonEMelon In reply to Strudel--Cutie4427 [2013-01-14 01:53:49 +0000 UTC]
as soon as I get the next part of DD3 and Jack's next picture up I will begin chapter 1
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Strudel--Cutie4427 In reply to PythonEMelon [2013-01-14 02:20:17 +0000 UTC]
Sorry I'm a little lost...
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PythonEMelon In reply to Strudel--Cutie4427 [2013-01-14 02:24:25 +0000 UTC]
the next part of daddy dearest three comes first
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Strudel--Cutie4427 In reply to PythonEMelon [2013-01-14 02:37:01 +0000 UTC]
right okay got it now
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yasminopalcaster [2013-01-13 19:20:23 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
It sounds like a really good interesting story. It makes the reader (at least me) wonder what happened to the mother before the black birds came along.
I also like how the bird ignores her own hunger to go and bring the newborn child to an orphanage, that was nice.
I can see all of this happening in a movie, it's very original because most people might do a castle or a hotel or even a mansion. The technique was nice because the birds did what they do by pecking things and the impact was how the bird took the baby to bring him/her to a new home.
I can't wait to read more! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/m/m… " width="15" height="15" alt="
" title="Meow :3"/>
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PythonEMelon In reply to yasminopalcaster [2013-01-13 19:21:54 +0000 UTC]
thanks for a nice, in-depth look at it!
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yasminopalcaster In reply to PythonEMelon [2013-01-13 19:27:38 +0000 UTC]
Your welcome.
That was my first time writing a Critique, and it was a little nerve wracking, but I'm very glad that you liked it!
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PythonEMelon In reply to yasminopalcaster [2013-01-13 19:29:58 +0000 UTC]
thank you ^^ and if you ever write another, don't be afraid to point out anything you think needs work ;D
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yasminopalcaster In reply to PythonEMelon [2013-01-13 19:36:50 +0000 UTC]
^^
Well, now that I think about it, you have the word "hat" when you should change it to "that" but that was the only tiny mistake I saw in there.
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yasminopalcaster In reply to PythonEMelon [2013-01-13 19:40:28 +0000 UTC]
^^ Your welcome. :33
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PythonEMelon In reply to yasminopalcaster [2013-01-13 19:42:01 +0000 UTC]
where is the part that says 'hat'? I'm having trouble finding sorry
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yasminopalcaster In reply to PythonEMelon [2013-01-13 19:46:28 +0000 UTC]
It's all good, it is a little hard to find. ^^
"and tried to find hat odd..." that's where it is. ^^
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