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Ragnar949 — My Own Disintegration
Published: 2015-06-20 15:53:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 804; Favourites: 56; Downloads: 0
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.....I guess I am not getting enough oxygen to the heart. The lasts two days I've spent six and four hours in the ER. It seems I'll be waiting longer to get fixed. Hopefully that means there isn't an immediate danger, but the way I feel....this sucks. I can't do much other than lay down, or sit for an hour or so.
So this is one more image documenting this journey. No other choices at the moment. I would have some more but the camera got left in the car during the last ER visit. At least I remembered it that time. Never leave home without one.
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Comments: 69
I hope you are feeling better. My 83 year-old mother had the same problem following a bout with pneumonia. It took a while but they finally got her meds adjusted and she is feeling much better. So hang in there!
I love this work, by the way; very clever to slice and dice and rearrange the parts. It is made even more brilliant/poignant after reading the description.
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Thank you. I have a strong feeling, with some evidence that all this has been caused by a drug that my Dr said I could "take forever." I get to see him Monday and tell him he's full of it.
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Bad situation I read but photographically a really nice outcome.
Hope you personally will have a good mesaage too
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Thanks, I think it will all work out.
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aw, really sorry to hear that. I have problems with blood oxygen levels too, with me it's a long term thing, which has to be managed. I hope you get sorted reasonably quickly. Hope they gave you some oxygen or some meds to help alleviate some of the symptoms in the meantime. Take care, 
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Thanks Paula, you take care too. Now I find out that my heart stops beating once in awhile for three seconds or so. I didn't like hearing that a few minutes ago. Looks like I'll be getting more hospital pictures soon.
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That sucks ..are they talking about fitting a pacemaker? They are really clever unobtrusive little things these days. Depends what's causing it of course, but hopefully, fingers crossed, you'll be lucky and it'll be a relatively simple fix. These reminders that we are not bombproof are dreadful.. It's hard not to feel like you're falling to bits, with all the sudden faults in the system. You'll get through it - I am. I wouldn't have believed I would still be here last year - everything went belly up - but this year has been quite ordinary. You really get to appreciate "ordinary" 
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I don't thinks so, but who knows. I won't until tomorrow. My brother just got one of those. Good old genetics. I am expecting a stent or two, I am just too fatigued and feel like passing out standing up or a after few steps. Yep I am looking for the "ordinary" again. I'll be very pleased with ordinary.
Thanks
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That doesn't sound good. Is there some kind of blockage?
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Oh, not good. Sounds like multiple shunts need to be inserted. In any case, you've inspired me to take my health more seriously. I've been taking it for granted. Saw the dentist today, due for a couple of fillings next week and there is probably more work that needs to be done after that in order to preserve my teeth well.
Destroyed my cigarettes (I had quit for 4 years then let it slip back in). Need to go and see the doctor for a regular check up I've been putting off doing. Need to improve my diet, get back into a regular exercise regime, just stop taking good health for granted so I can be both mentally and physically at the best health possible for my daughter and my life. I need to start giving a shit. I had gotten to a point where I had just stopped caring and that was gonna catch up with me eventually.
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I guess my experience has some value other than for me....that's a very good thing. Never take your health for granted.
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I know. A couple of my friends in their 40's have had heart attacks now, so I am beginning to realize I can't just beat my body up any old way like I used to think I could. The last couple of years, letting old habits I had banished slip back in, well I'm not looking as young as I did, so that was silly. Also was doing really well with exercise and I've let that slip. I was probably overdoing it back then, which would wear my body out as well, so need to bring it back in with an eye to healthy balance.
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There were more young people at the cardiac center today than I expected. It may be that we abuse ourselves (understatement) but I swear most of our problems are from the crap they put in what we call "food" these days...and the crap we put in everything else. This stupid country still allows formaldehyde in furniture, carpeting, flooring....actually in things we can't even imagine. I think nearly all of the world has banned its use. Not here where the U.S. Congress is owned by business.
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True, but at least you don't have aspartame in your soda (at least I don't think you do). They put it in all of ours for years, but we are starting to see some changes now. Would like to see it banned. I was thinking it would be good to eat more local produce. Organic is expensive, but there is nothing stopping me growing my own crops in any case. Perhaps that is the argument for making the effort, even though fruit and vege is cheap around here.
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Aspartame is certainly still with us. The FDA (food and drug administration) is "populated" by industry, they approve or disprove their own corporate products regardless of science. They tell us that no one can understand these issues better than industry insiders. Only a total moron would believe that.
The corporate look is if it's man made product it has to be good. Not entirely true, they know it but its about money anyway. My theory is if it's made by man (chemicals) it's going to hurt you directly or indirectly. So far I think I am running about 99%. We even take a fine fruit like an orange and ruin it. Concentrate, that's the ticket (or that's the profit)! Except when you take out the pulp what you are offering is pure sugar water. Raise the insulin levels and orange juice can make you fat. Non concentrate with pulp is processed with no elevation of insulin, hence no fat storage. I've always believed in moderation, but you can't be "moderate" anymore, if it's processed, you can count on it containing some kind of "poison." How can moderation work then? I didn't always think this strongly, but years of watching and listening I came to the position that we are poisoning ourselves...or rather profit is poisoning us.
A BOLD prediction. A "cure" for cancer has been discovered recently, too technical for me this morning, but the new treatment so far has been 100% successful. It will be two years before it comes before the FDA for approval. Since all of the FDA are from drug companies or big ag, I am thinking that they will not approve. Their cancer drug prices have been going through the ceiling, that is a lot of money to lose. They'll continue to approve their astronomically priced drugs, that seem to get taken off the market as the "injuries" rise from their use. Only lawsuits take them off the market, science can't because science is so inaccurate...right Tobacco companies? I hope I am wrong but when billions upon billions of $$ are at stake all bets and sense are off.
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Yep, not just that but they want less of us on the planet, so if we are taking stuff that kills us faster more is the better. That cure for cancer, I'm betting that will be made available to SOME people. Goodness knows, it might have been available for awhile to some people. Do you really think they want to cure something that is helping keep our population numbers down when they in fact want those numbers to reduce much further?
Perhaps it will be the case that they make the drugs so expensive that only the rich will be able to purchase them to save their lives. However, this poses an interesting question. What if the world developed in such a way that money was what decided who lived or died (I mean, ok, it already is this way), and those with the money were primarily a certain 'type' of people. Like the type of people who don't really respect other people, use people, are cut throat, spiritually impoverished.
What if the world dwindled down to only those kind of people? Would it be the sort of world you would want to live in? What would they do once they had vampirized all of the weaker people? What would they have to live off anymore? They would start feeding off each other then. So yeah, in that kind of world, there is only one direction things can go - self destructively.
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You have to temper everything with the knowledge, their game is nearly over due to lack of water and climate change. They don't care if there are more or less of us at all. It's always been about getting all they can get today, tomorrow, all they can get that day....... The Ayn Rand, bitterness and narcissism has infected the corporate world nearly completely. Her social darwinism has been adopted by the "Right" and nearly all right wing politicians. This has been growing since the late sixties and has reached it's climax. If you have trouble, bad luck, illness, go fuck yourselves, we don't care, you can die on the street for all we care because you are a loser and we're not going give you a dime of "our hard earned money." If you are not successful you are simply lazy." They think that there will always be enough cheap labor to use to keep their coins coming in. I am afraid that they will be terribly disappointed in the next five years or so.
Even Adam Smith would be horrified I think, he believed in corporate responsibility to the nation. Of course they find ways reject that because it get's in the way. Adam Smith was supplanted by Ayn Rand. Personally I am not a fan of either, nor am I a fan Karl Marx. All just theories in a book that don't live up to expectations in the real world. Most just result in more damage.
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I see empty souls trying to desperately fill themselves up with empty fuel everywhere, wondering why it never seems to be enough.
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Yeah, I've been guilty of that in my own ways too. Went for a walk the other day, which is always good for having a wee think. I've had a friend complaining about wanting to be rich and why is it so hard to fight for every little good thing they have, but taking a negative attitude towards everyone around them. Made me reflect on myself, how much time I've spent chasing after impossible things while not taking the best care of the things I already have. Why ask for more if you are not coping as well as you could with what you already have? The universe, I don't think it gives us more than we can cope with, so I think to let more into your life you first have be strong in what you already have. If you spent more time focused on strengthening that, you might just find there is no need to desire anything more.
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Nearly all of us are. Most always look outside for "reasons" and for their desires, but looking inside (and taking responsibility) for your own weaknesses and strengths. Certainly much of the crap comes from the outside, but it's how you deal with that crap is key, not the crap itself. Eliminate the bullshit, and strengthen what we already have. desire needs to be reduced and the ones we keep should be simple and reasonable...and of course don't get caught up in expectations. I thinks sometimes that the only good expectations are those we have ourselves , those failures you can deal with, expectations concerning the "outside" world nearly always fall flat. That can make you feel a bit hopeless at times.
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Yes! That is exactly it! I decided to look inside myself and sort my own house out. I realized a lot of the things I had been dissatisfied with, I had created them, that was on me. Things I thought I wanted, I realized I wasn't letting them get close to me, I was sabotaging, because even though it seemed like I wanted them, I wasn't actually ready within myself to let that sort of stuff in, wasn't even sure if it was stuff I wanted or even why I wanted it.
If that isn't a clear sign there is internal work to do and best to focus on sorting that out, then I don't know what is. But sometimes it takes us awhile to take those moments in life to realize that and connect with it. I mean, I've done that sort of self reflection before, but you tend to get things sorted and then wander off the path again in one way or another, then get lost down the path before you wake up. You get caught up in too much stimuli that distracts you.
I've been distracted for a fair while now, but finally have some breathing space away from distractions to really focus on where I am at, process some stuff, get myself on more solid footing within myself, get my light back, that sort of thing. Things were getting pretty murky.
I was having a good chat with my best friend tonight, and we were talking about a woman we both know who has come out of a period of depression, well I don't know if fully out of it. She spends a lot of time focusing on things she has lost, saying challenges in life have made her stronger, I guess kind of calling for support in a way, and then if things don't go exactly how she wants she pitches a fit. Maybe a little bit lost in a victim status sort of thing, wanting people to hear about all the things she has endured. But what can you say but console? And if that becomes her primary way to interact with people then it seems like perhaps not the best way.
I thought about what I did when I had a particularly rough time of it some years back, and felt like I needed to be more connected to other people, to have a feeling of support around me. Know what I did? I went and volunteered to be the treasurer at the Foodbank. I thought 'what if I actually go out and give the one thing that I need - support.' What if instead of taking a victim approach I instead act strong enough to be a giver, rather than just sitting there bemoaning things? And you know, it was exactly the right thing to do. It felt good to be doing something positive. I think this is some kind of unwritten rule in the Universe - whatever you need, actually do whatever you can to give it to others yourself first.
So for instance, if I wanted someone to love me, I've first got to show the ability to actually give love. People aren't likely to want to give love to someone who only seems to sit there and want to take it. So it is kind of this idea of reciprocity, and it covers many things. I mean, that is not to say just because you give something to someone, that particular person will reciprocate, but I think it creates a karma where it is likely to be reciprocated from some source.
But yeah, even when saying that, still to think if anything comes back your way it is a boon, but not the end of the world if it does not. So it is learning to give without desire and expectation, simply for the act of giving as a healthy thing. Like I had a surplus of fruit recently, so collected it and put it out the front of my house with a sign inviting people to help themselves. It didn't take that much effort, and it made me feel better to not let stuff go to waste and make things a tiny bit easier financially on others. I thought it would be nice if people thought like that more often, but that sort of thing doesn't happen just cos you sit there saying it should happen, it is at least more likely to happen if you yourself are setting an active positive example.
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It's so maddeningly simple to achieve some kind of understanding, even "enlightenment." But it's hard because it demands constant self evaluation of acts, reaction and thought. It's understanding your own humanity. When you understand yours, you can understand all others. No more room for blame and self pity, only understanding. All those things like blame and self pity are natural, and can serve the purpose of developing deeper understanding and compassion. They are lessons but we have to choose to understand them and finally ourselves. THAT is rarely pleasant and why so many abandon that path.
Pay Attention. That's my mantra, the one I hope I have passed on to my son. You pay attention to your surroundings, where your feet are, where the lines of movement and sight are, where others are.... These can keep you physically safe. Then your look at yourself within that space and the thoughts that come up when exposed to life within it. Then why are you thinking that. It all can take place in an instant with practice. Now your emotions are less likely lead you to stupidity or danger. Like everyone else I fall short, but keep at it.
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The initial realisation isn't pleasant, can be quite traumatic, but actually, that is maybe a week tops to get your head around that (to the point you can then start working on things), then it is so worth it for having done so, because you are no longer engaging in those actions that get you nowhere.
I dunno, the last say 2 1/2 years have been super weird for me, I think there is a biological basis to it perhaps. I am turning 45 this month, so I think there are some changes going on in my body. I mean, after I split with my husband, I was on my own, totally uninterested in romance, 5 years? Something like that.
Anyway, then I start working at this place, and one of my co-workers is this cheeky little whipper snapper, half my age, real charismatic and he'd just push my buttons, challenge me. There was a definite spark between us, like no one else existed really for either of us when we were in the same room. Anyway, that sort of developed slow creeper style on us, like over a year, until the energy between us just went really intense. Like magnets drawing together sort of thing. Except of course, we are both thinking, given the age difference, that this is entirely inappropriate, so yeah, it was never acted upon and thankfully he left town (by that stage, it was like, damn good thing he did).
But before he left, he gave me a link and invitation to a site online. Anyway, I went to this site, he wasn't there in a way to interact with, but others were, and I was still full of the whole love chemical thing. Me being in that state allowed this other fella, also based in NZ but living some hours away, to leverage into a connection with me, and I eventually transferred my existing affections to him. But was he someone, had I not been in that loved up state, that I would have objectively (had I known everything about him from the get go) allowed myself to become attached to? No. He had some bad stuff in his history and I'm pretty sure some of that was ongoing.
Anyway, as I found out more about him, more warning flags went up and I started distancing myself from that and left where I was interacting with him and came to dA, but I was still carrying those loved up chemicals with me. So then I met someone here, only online, and those affections started shifting towards them. But again, I didn't know enough about them upfront and again, if I had all the facts about them up front, and was coming from a non love-chemical state of mind, I never would have let my feelings attach in that direction either.
So it is like I had been in this state of being in love, these chemicals running around in my head, making me crazy, for the last two and a half years, and the outlet for those chemicals just transferred from one inappropriate person to another. I think there was a realization on behalf of the latter two that I wasn't connecting to them because of them, but in spite of them (because I was clearly struggling with things about them - I mean there were genuine things I liked about both, but also 'woah, no' things). What was driving it was something that pre-existed them and simply hadn't exhausted itself yet.
So yeah, something got triggered in me, it didn't have a good means for outlet, so it keep going in a dysfunctional kind of way until it exhausted itself. It probably would have exhausted itself sooner, but the objects of my affection seemed to have an uncanny knack of turning up again and keeping things going every time it became apparent I was benefiting from space away from them and starting to move in a clear and positive direction. I ended up blocking both in the end so that didn't happen anymore.
It was kind of weird, and I felt kind of helpless in the grip of it. I've actually even wondered if it was some kind of pre-menopausal thing, where the body realizes the fertile stage is about to end and makes a last ditch attempt to procreate, even though the mind is going 'hell no, I'm done with pro-creating.' So it creates this sort of mess, where your affections are not really well tethered to objects of your affection, and your biological intentions are at complete odds with your psychological intentions.
At least, that is what I suspect has happened to me, and I've got to say I would be quite pleased to know that stage has actually passed, cos I really need to look at my life a little more sanely.
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I understand though I am certainly at a disadvantage on the pre menopausal thing, though I have some understanding. Biology is a powerful thing. All that you say certainly could be a factor and it's a pull that I am glad I don't have deal with. Procreation has never been a big thing for me. It does look like sanity has a strong root in you unlike so many others I run into on line. Too bad you live on the other side of the world, I know Karin and I would love to have some conversations over a Guinness and some Irish. Usually thinking is bad in the wrong heads/hands, you I have no worries about as far as thinking.
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Yes biology is a powerful thing, which is why I don't discount how much of an influence that could have been having over me. What my mind knows, and what my body knows are two separate things. My body might be informing my actions without me really understanding what is going on and in agreement with it, which causes psychological dissonance, expressed as ambivalent and contradictory behaviours.
Thanks for saying you've got me reckoned for having a strong root of sanity. I'd like to think so, even though I get a bit lost at times, I tend to find my way back to solid footing eventually.
Oh, that sounds nice, a few brews with you and Karin. Who knows, if I ever go to the States for a holiday or you guys come here, it could happen.
How are things going health wise, any new insights yet?
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I think I have part of the problem defined but I expect there may be other contributing factors yet undiscovered. Maybe in another week or so I'll have some real answers.
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Could they actually supply you with more pure oxygen for breathing? That might get a heavier load of it into the bloodstream at least, which would presumably feed your heart better.
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That doesn't play at this time....though it would be nice to have a handicap parking permit. Though I know I'd give the spot up most of the time anyway.
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Too bad you can't just has a casual canister for huffing.
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Huffing? I saw that once in the army guys soaking a rag in turpentine and inhaling the fumes out of paper bag. No thanks.
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Ah, this would be healthy huffing darlin'
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But anyway, I learned something valuable from everyone of those experiences. It was a learning about what it meant to be a single woman at my age, and the kind of people you are likely to come across and the things you have to be wary of.
Person 1: Too young. Not worth getting involved with because you'll be looked on negatively by others as the more senior of the partnership. Even if you persisted in spite of that, the only thing likely to await you is eventually being discarded for a younger woman they can start a family with. This path only leads to pain.
Person 2: Age appropriate and single. However, what was not immediately disclosed was a long history of substance abuse and historical associations with dangerous people who could turn up again in their lives at any time. Secretive, suggesting ongoing dubious activity. This path could lead me into mortal danger or criminality by association.
Person 3: Age appropriate, initially assumed to be single. In time, it appears they have at least been married at some point. Clear about having children but not clear about having a wife or ex-wife or what their status is in regard to that. Does not offer up that information even when it would be clearly appropriate to do so. This path only leads to being 'used' to plug emotional gaps in an established relationship.
So, as you can see, none of those people were people I should have let my feelings be associated with, for fairly clear cut reasons, they were never going to benefit me, only harm me. So yeah, it is a pretty messy field out there for people my age.
The first one, I resisted developing feelings for, the second two I developed feelings for before I had information I would have used to prevent me leaving myself open to developing feelings. In the last instance, that is a particularly tricky one. I expect people to be upfront with their marital status. I have a few guy friends here, you being one of them, who are clearly married, talk about their wives with affection, and that is something I respect, and I have a nice friendship, no drama, nothing inappropriate - just another friend, male or female, doesn't matter.
I've had a married guy be open about being married and tried to sleaze on to me. He ended up on my banned list, but at least he was honest about what he was about - I'll give him credit for that at least. It is the people who aren't honest about their status, they are the ones that are really dangerous, because that becomes a trap.
So yeah, that is looking outwards, not only inwards, and some of that needs to happen too. I do need to wise up a bit as well, not tolerate ambiguity, be tougher about shutting people out more quickly if it seems pretty likely they are lying or otherwise not being as forthcoming as they should. I guess the only thing that leaves me trapped in bad situations longer than I should be is that ambiguity, that not really knowing what the story is one way or another and not wanting to judge unfairly. I mean, sometimes things just are not straightforward and they take too much time and pain to figure out.
Ahh, I dunno, it is what it is. I had a bad run on things, a succession of 'ah, no, that is not a good idea,' and nothing I was interested in that I could really work with. So it is just accepting that, that is the way it goes sometimes, learn, move on, strengthen yourself in the ways that are within your control and let the other stuff go.
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Yeah, chalk it up to experience, no other choice for a healthy mind, as they say, the only thing you have control over are your own thoughts. Shit happens, and sometimes over and over, but it ends when we decide to make it end.
All those feelings will lead us down some very "interesting" paths, most with dead ends and often pain. But we do learn from them...well some of us do. We always have to be open, but our bullshit meters have to finely tuned at the same time. I was very lucky, When I met Karin I was 17, she was 16, married at 20.
On line sleazes.....It's very hard when you can't see another's face, some of those guys are very slick about it, always keep doubt when these guys talk only about you, you, you, you. Some women suck that up like sucking out a cesspool and they know it. If they find an insecurity or two, they will work it. I've seen it far too often, but I've seen women do the same things, just a different style and approach.
Be glad that you aren't Ukrainian, my BIL would find you and make you feel real dirty and creepy. He's like 68 and only "appreciates" "women" between the age of 17 and 30. He's been kicked out of Canada fot sleazing on underage girls. Part of it is that he doesn't understand the where any lines are, part of it is he's just super needy and creepy. It fits that he's a Charismatic christian pastor..Let us pray together......
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Exactly.
Well, I think it is to be expected that there are a number of dead ends in life, and you've got to be extremely lucky to meet a good match at a young age and be ready in yourself and the type of person to fit well into a lifelong partnership. I don't think I've met anyone that was just like 'yeah'. The closest I came to that was the father of my daughter, so I think perhaps the right person to have a child with, and we co-parent quite well, and we get on easily, but no desire to be in a relationship with him. We both have the space to be our own people now. I would like us to do more as a family though. We are talking about having some family meals together, Jaz would like that.
Yeah, online sleazes. But it seems to me it is probably just a reflection of offline behaviour too. There are plenty of offline sleazes around, and in some ways, I've probably learned to detect them better due to the online sleazes. Not a hell of a lot that impresses me either online or off to be honest.
Oh you mean they keep the focus on listening to what you have to say but don't offer up much about themselves? Makes me think of 'how to get women' books, a tactic being to let the women think you are just there to listen to them talk about themselves (cos women love that shit). But then angling it towards sex very quickly. I think sometimes attacking someone else's insecurities is really just a way of compensating for your own.
Then I sometimes think there is some kind of book that says 'talk about being in a dance together, or other romantic speak, cos chicks love that shit too.' I dunno.
If a guy does genuinely like you (and he's got nothing deal breaker to hide), then he wants you to know about him as well, he wants to test how well you would accept all aspects of him, that sort of thing, allow you to be a source of support and vice versa.
Hmm, maybe the focus on 17 to 30 year olds is not simply just for the fact that women's bodies are in their prime condition at that time (let's face it, men's are too, so I can understand the attraction on a surface level - us women are checking out the form of younger fellas too, but most of us are far too sensible to act on that), but also that those younger ages are when women tend to not know themselves so well. They have not come into their own, so are more naive, trusting, easily manipulated. Maybe an older and wiser woman is intimidating to these men. They know they would be required to 'get real,' and would also be more likely to get a clip round the ears if they tried to pull any dominating bullshit.
In the end it comes down to what a person is looking for. A piece of attractive meat to bang or a quality companion. If they are looking for the former, then if they are 68, they are most likely to find that by paying for it (heck, even if they get it without seeing a hooker it will end up costing them one way or another). It doesn't bother me if a fella passes me up because they think they might be able to get a tidier piece of meat to bang cos I have no interest in being just a piece of meat to someone. If they view the world like that, that doesn't reflect poorly on me, that reflects poorly on them, they are on an empty path. Myself, I am attracted to people's energy, not their physical aspects. If I come across a fella primarily driven by physical considerations then that suggests a fairly unevolved and uninteresting person who would bore me quickly.
If they are looking for a quality companion, they are more likely to find that in someone who is closer to their age. Some men are just looking for a house slave though, who will clean, cook and lie on their back for them, look after them when they are sick and old. Increasingly, there are men who are not only looking for that but a person who will earn the majority of the income too - basically earn most of the money, open the legs, and be busy looking after the house and feeding the man while he is lazy and does hardly anything aside from perhaps get drunk. They are looking for a slave, in essence. Those ones will do their best to ravage a woman's self esteem, cos only a completely psychologically abused woman would put up that with that sort of caper.
Hence, we find a lot of older women finding it is better to remain single, because what they are expected to give in comparison to what they receive is so nominal. Why enter into a situation that only weakens you? Women are looking to enter into situations where both parties are strengthened, and lonely men will remain lonely men (only dispelling it by the hour in exchange for dollars to pump a young woman who feels like puking on their disgusting ass) unless they stop acting like lazy, entitled spoiled brats.
But I wouldn't worry about such people. You see, the depth of your goal is the depth of your reward. That is the karma within itself. If a man operates at a shallow level, he will only ever receive shallow rewards. This creates a self imposed poverty of spirit.
Well, religion attracts all types, and unfortunately some of those types are not particularly nice. Some men will just have religion as a healthy part of their lives, perhaps something they just grew up with. For other men, it might be a way to try and distance themselves from their misbehaviour (sin all week, get a clean slate by praying on Sunday). For some, they are attracted to the fear, shame and control elements that they can use on other people to bend them towards their bidding.
It is a strange creature indeed that holds up God as an entity that must be followed, then claims to speak on behalf of that God. By doing so, they are essentially setting themselves up to be a God. 'God is all powerful, I speak for God, you must do as I say.' To which one can only sensibly reply 'No, bugger off, if there is a God I'm direct dialing, not going through a creepy dickwad like you.'
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The BIL is super insecure, didn't help that he was the oldest of six...five sisters. The closest I can figure him is he likes them young because he thinks he can mold them...physical attributes figure in for sure and it always helps if they are blond...very blond. Being perfectly delusional probably is his most outstanding characteristic besides the sickeningly sweet smothering of his "technique." It just creeps people out. If he ever had a prayer with some woman his syrupy sweetness makes them run...unless it's on a Ukrainian dating site, then they hang out for the gifts which they turn over to their handlers. That's another topic and equally sad. His story was a bad LSD trip that introduced him to "god," and a lost love. Then a fine women (but with apparent self esteem problems) who left with the two kids. My experience is that with most fundamentalist preachers power, is number one, god is always number two to their desires.
"If a man operates at a shallow level, he will only ever receive shallow rewards. This creates a self imposed poverty of spirit." couldn't be more true.
My experience with the online sleazes and douche bags is that they are generally cowards in real life, they would never say or do the things in real life that they do on line (thankfully). I've met a number of them in real life. Unfortunately some are exactly the same wherever they may be. Never, ever be an administrator of a world wide forum without getting paid, the bullshit you have to deal with is unbelievable. But you can gain a lot of insight. I toyed with writing a book about it at the time.
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There is a lot of exploitation of women out there in the world, in all parts of the world unfortunately, and a lot of it is quite insidious. It is one thing I really drill my daughter on. Beware of men online! I outline how they act. But also beware of boyfriends, boys at school, going to a party where people pressure you into drinking alcohol, etc. Everyone has got a freakin' phone with a camera, and taking nude photos of girls, whether for modelling money, because the boyfriend wants a pic, cos they got a girl drunk and she was passed out at a party - any single one of those scenarios can be used to oppress, disempower, and disgrace a girl for her entire lifetime. I'd be sorely tempted to shoot the fuckers on sight that engage in that sort of caper - girls have killed themselves over it. You can't trust a single one of them with that stuff.
Yeah - power is number one. It is patently obvious. God isn't even number two to these people - a tool.
Hell, I don't even do unpaid work for others in groups here. I did for awhile (and I still help out occasionally on one cos they never hassle me in any way), but the other one asked me to help, then kept upping their demands on me and treating me like staff, sort of bullying and guilt vibe to how they were approaching me, and I'm not the sort of person you can do that with. I thought I would be a bit of a mug to let that continue, so I took a stand and walked away. If the maxim 'no good deed goes unpunished' seems to be holding true, you're giving your energy to the wrong people. Desist but keep an open mind to future people, as not all will take others for granted. It is good to give, but not good to give under the organization of people who treat you poorly.
You should write a book about it - why not? Even just a series of short stories, upload them here. Redact identifying information so you don't get your ass sued, but otherwise have at it.
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Nothing saddens me more than those foreign chick sites. Those women aren't prostituting their bodies, but are just trying to survive horrible economies and have few if any choices. It's the scum that own them, who get nearly all the money sent and most of the gifts to sell. What angers me is slavery. Whenever I or someone brings up to the public the horror of it you get oh yeah, uh ha. It appears that most think, it doesn't affect them, and that the girls must be all right with it as they don't run away.
Does anyone ever get that we are in this together?
How old is your daughter now? Does she say, Yeah, thanks mum, I know that stuff already--ended by an eye roll that you may or not see?
What I was looking to write about is the behavior and the psychological basis for different behaviors displayed on line. Stories can illustrate them. I am too far removed from that now to do a good job of it....and I've other things that are more important today. I sometimes think that I should've,but there are a lot of things that I "should have."
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Honestly, that sort of thing is going on right under your nose in your own country too, and in mine. Never underestimate the sheer depth of hypocrisy within our own cultures, for we have very messy backyards that we ignore while we point the fingers at others.
It is not just a case of horrible economies, but who the laws discriminate against within economies that create situations that make particular individuals ripe for exploitation.
We can talk about overt slavery, but there is also much discussion to be had about covert slavery as well.
And yes, we are all in it together, not just all humans, but all life on the planet.
My daughter is 12 - sometimes I get the 'oh, do I have to listen to this' look, sometimes not. It all depends on our moods, how we approach each other, on any given day.
I've done research work in the field of cyber-bullying and online vs. offline behaviour. Did a seminar on it for a Government Department once, but also probably have some lit reviews lying around. Check this out:
onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10…
(I'm the one thanked in acknowledgements, they should have had me as a co-author, since I came up with the idea to measure tech, created all the measures, collected and reviewed most of the lit they refer to, and left behind analysis ideas for them to pursue - bit of a sore point, but whatever).
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It happening under everyone's noses, nobody really cares, just like the public doesn't give a shit about returning war vets, something like one each minute or so (can't remember the actual number) kill themselves. Some they won't have to "be concerned" as it won't be long until half of them are dead. But they love them for being "heroes," personally I consider most of them victims.
OMG Twelve? Good luck over the next six years.
I know how publishing can go, and I've known many who have been screwed out of credit. Hey Your not Dr. Jo (PHD) are you?
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Sad but true. Self interest rules the day in this world, I suppose it is hard to expect better, but some degree of interest in others is warranted if you agree that we are all in it together (which I do agree with).
Yes, I'm a doctor.
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No wonder you seem smarter than your average deviant.
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Yup, thinking too much was what I used to do for a living, before becoming a single mum. As you can see, I still like to do it, except now I get to direct it any old way I want to.
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