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Published: 2010-06-23 16:57:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 289; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 6
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Chapter 1 : IntroductionYou've seen them. People call others freaks all the time. Maybe because they're different. They enjoy things you don't. But they're more like you than you would know. The real freaks are not human. Most of them are Almosts.
They're almost human. If you saw one in the real world, you might think they were normal. But there's something strange about each one.
Some look just like humans but can do extraordinary things. Desi Mae is one of them. She looks perfectly normal, with her long, dark hair and clean dresses. There a few things that might make you suspicious. Her eyes are gray and dead. She is blind. She is also very very pale.
Desi Mae is the one in control of the Almosts. Although younger than a lot of them, she leads with skill and determination. Her parents were the leaders of the Belowness until they died in a tragic accident.
Yes, Almosts can die. A lot do in the human world, or the Normalworld as the Almosts call it.
How does one get to the Belowness, you might ask? There are portals in every major city in the world. The portals are often in parks, at the biggest tree. Only Almosts can open the portals. Each Almost is given a collar-like necklace with a chip in the charm, which opens the portals. Desi Mae is the only one without a collar. She instead has a chip in her arm. Her parents were very protective, and concerned that she wouldn't be able to get home from the Normalworld if she lost her collar, so they chipped her.
Desi Mae is the only Almost who goes back and forth between the Belowness and the Normalworld. She goes through all the portals, looking for creatures to invite to the Belowness. Almosts can be anything; witches, vampires, kids that have been experimented on... They all appear to be under 21 years old, and none drink or smoke, so it's a big family of young freaks.
When Desi Mae is in the Belowness, she can navigate perfectly since she knows where everything is. But when she goes to the Normalworld, she has to use a seeing eye dog to get around the cities since they are busy and always changing.
Her seeing eye dog is actually another Almost in her dog form. Bordy (pronounced bore-dee) is one of the few shapeshifters in the Belowness. Bordy can shift into almost anything, though her favorites are a bright lab (Desi Mae's seeing eye dog) and a giant hawk for transportation.
When Desi Mae goes to the Normalworld looking for kids to bring into the Belowness, she looks for kids being picked on or hiding out as not to be discovered. Desi Mae can tell when a being is special because they have a certain feel.
Everything sounds perfect, right? A sanctuary for kids who are out of place in the Normalworld. But everything has a downside. There are creatures who are just like the Almosts, but they are the complete opposite. The Almosts protect the freaks from the humans. The "Others" as they are called, are there to destroy humans.
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Comments: 15
AylahWindSister [2010-06-23 21:20:12 +0000 UTC]
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Well. It's not bad for a blossoming writer, definitely. The fact that you bothered to spell check and capitalize alone is more than can be asked of a good deal of writers on the internet, unfortunately.
It's an interesting idea, young kids and teenagers that aren't really a part of normal society and have found a sanctuary in the 'Belowness'; I think almost everyone at some point has considered writing or at least thought of a sort of scenario like this one, for the kids who don't belong.
The piece doesn't read as a chapter so much as a forward. There isn't really any plot; nothing actually HAPPENS, it's just an explanation. I'd consider making it a forward or prologue as opposed to your actual first chapter, since all you're doing is introducing concepts.
You said that Almosts look 'normal', and yet from how I've heard you describe Desi Mae both in and out of the story, she comes across as a pretty classic dark/goth girl archetype; sticking to greyscale clothing and a quiet and reserved nature, as well as her 'dead, grey eyes'. This isn't necessarily what an average person would consider normal. Referring to 'collars' and being 'chipped' makes Desi Mae and the other Almosts sound more like animals than people. This might be what you're going for in a way, especially considering Desi Mae's shapeshifter best friend, but it was a little bit of a '...what?' moment when I first read it.
You might want to consider opening a tab with a thesaurus when you write; words like 'biggest' take away from your narrative. Largest, or, considering the nature of trees, oldest, would be better choices, for example. Perhaps they chose a specific kind of tree to be the gateway? Also, there aren't many adjectives at all, though this may be because of the explanatory nature of the chapter.
In narratives like this, I would recommend not addressing the reader directly, via 'you'. It can be hard to avoid at times, but it sounds better over all if you don't. It sounds as though the reader is being told what to think and what to ask by the narrator, rather than letting the reader come to their own conclusions.
Sentence structure and variety are your friends; in-text explanations of terms and pronunciations are not. Sentence flow is very important to writing! Too many short sentences in a row makes the piece sound choppy, whereas too many commas and semicolons make a piece seem to drag on and on. There are several places, especially in the beginning, where you put periods when commas would work just fine.
The fact that the narrator makes it a point to mention that none of the Almosts drink or smoke seems a little odd to me, as though these are horrendous things and that no one should be doing them. It also seems a little unrealistic if there are members of the Almosts that are over 21 (like Desi Mae's parents, etc.) Who would legally be able to in the US. The laws are different in other countries as well; in Canada, for instance, the drinking age varies by province but is mostly (from what I'm aware) 19. In Europe the age varies widely as well. Why would every single Almost refrain from smoking or drinking, unless it was a taboo or outlawed in the Almost society? If so, why had it been outlawed or become socially frowned upon? The way it's currently framed, it sounds less like a legitimate plot device and more like an author's personal viewpoint added into the narrative.
For a chapter, this is actually rather short; a word count showed the piece was 526 words long; this critique alone is longer than that! A 'chapter' should be relatively self-contained; there should be an obvious beginning, ending, and point- think of it almost like an episode of a tv show. This doesn't necessarily mean you have to make every chapter 5000 words long, but there should be enough substance to warrant it being its own chapter, rather than just being incorporated into the previous or next.
Whew! That was a lot more than I intended to write on the subject, my apologies for the wall of text. I hope I gave you some insight in how to improve upon your writing, and I look forward to seeing more!
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KneelingGlory In reply to AylahWindSister [2010-06-24 04:09:48 +0000 UTC]
That was a great critique! If you ever feel like doing these on a regular basis, I hope you'll consider joining us over at #Critique-It . We can always use such thorough critics.
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AylahWindSister In reply to KneelingGlory [2010-06-24 05:05:27 +0000 UTC]
I'd love to! I'll go check it out now!
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rainbowrays In reply to AylahWindSister [2010-06-24 00:36:11 +0000 UTC]
Thank you.
Although I know I probably shouldn't have put this up for critique. I write the way I want to and I'm not going to change. I get really depressed by negative comments sometimes so I'll just keep this in mind.
I completely understand everything you're saying, I'm not a writer.
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AylahWindSister In reply to rainbowrays [2010-06-24 00:53:15 +0000 UTC]
D'aw, you shouldn't take it that way! If you want to write, write. You're not going to improve if you don't try!
People who offer constructive criticism aren't trying to hurt your feelings, they're trying to give you pointers and push you along rather than hand out the standard generic-brand 'oh, it was good, I liked it!' responses. You're not going to get better if all you hear is THAT WAS SO GOOD/CUTE/KAWAII DESU OMG. If, like you said, you're just going to write how you want, and don't want other people giving you criticism, then yeah it might be best to not ask for critique.
Personally, I'd like you to improve! I'd love to see you spend some time and do a little editing and maybe a bit of research, and turn this story from a standard young teen's fantasy into something really worth reading. I never meant to imply that you're not a writer. As long as you have the spirit, creativity, and drive, you are a writer!
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rainbowrays In reply to AylahWindSister [2010-06-24 00:59:41 +0000 UTC]
No, I know that I'm not a writer! I never have been. I usually don't get past the second chapter of writing.
I do appreciate the criticism and help, and I will be sure to keep it in mind in the future if I ever need to write again..
I just wanted to write a standard teen fantasy book, so I'm happy with it and I don't need to write anymore, it won't turn into anything great.
I will work to improve but my fiction writing skills will never be something I really need.
It's fine.
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3lda [2010-06-24 11:16:34 +0000 UTC]
I really like this!
I agree with =AylahWindSister for the fact that it's more an introduction than a chapter. I can't wait to read what happens after
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bigtgentry [2010-06-23 17:21:29 +0000 UTC]
It came out AMAZING! It sounded kind of long via text but its actually the perfect size!
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rainbowrays In reply to bigtgentry [2010-06-23 17:32:05 +0000 UTC]
I know, I thought it would be a lot longer. >_<
Thank you. <3
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mangacraz00 [2010-06-23 17:09:32 +0000 UTC]
Very cool~
My only concern is that this is a bit confusing, but sometimes it's better that way.
Otherwise, it's a great idea, and I can't wait to read more!
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mangacraz00 In reply to rainbowrays [2010-06-23 17:40:15 +0000 UTC]
Just all the new words and such confused me a bit.
It just takes getting used to~
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rainbowrays In reply to mangacraz00 [2010-06-23 17:43:34 +0000 UTC]
Ahh, I see.
I can explain if you need me to. (:
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