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Description
I would say these movies are "more than meets the eye" but we all know I'd be lying.

This is going to be a long summary, but if you just want the short version then here it is. I still like some of these movies but I understand why people don't like them. Yes they have problems and are in dire need of an editor, but I still enjoy them. This review will count as my opinion until I decide to update this in the future.

I know it would be incredibly easy to just say "these are movies based on a toy" and call it a day. However since its debut in the late 80s, the Transformers has evolved into a franchise that is more than just action figures. There's a deep sense of lore, characters, continuity, and ideas that have evolved over time. Just a real shame that Michael Bay took all those things and smashed it to pieces with a sledgehammer, followed by 300 explosions with lens flare and shaky cam. For years, I just accepted that this is the best we're going to get and asking a movie to be based around the beloved G1 continuity would be impossible...

....And then Bumblebee happen.

I won't waste time on Bumblebee because I've already reviewed the movie and my thoughts on it remain unchanged. www.deviantart.com/randomdc3/a…

I remember leaving the theatre that night and I began to wonder, now that this film exists, what do I think of the previous six? Well five actually, because my opinions of the Last Night are also unchanged. www.deviantart.com/randomdc3/a… Granted Beast Wars II's movie was Japanese exclusive but it did get released in cinemas so it counts.

Going to keep my thoughts on the 1986 movie pretty short because theyre isn't that much to say about it. I jokingly like to call it "baby's first snuff film" because deep down that's exactly what it was. If time travel was possible I would love to go back and sit in on that film on opening night. Just to hear all those kids crying in fear as their fav heroes melted and blew up before their very eyes.

I seriously think I have some issues.

While the live action movies killed off fan favourites for reasons we're about to get to, this film killed off fan favorites for one of the dumbest reasons you could even fathom. "We've discontinued the action figures so let's kill them off!" It's a bit like a store manager telling his employees "you're not as successful as the employee of the month so you've all been fired!" One of the greatest mistakes Hasbro has ever made with the franchise was killing off Optimus Prime and turning Megatron into Galvatron. It was ultimately a stupid decision to replace two of the most iconic characters of the franchise with an inexperienced leader and making the main antagonist mentally retarded. It's a bit like replacing two intelligent and capable leaders with Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

All in all I still love the soundtrack of this movie but I do admit it's a product of its time. One of the longest-running toy commercials in cinema history, before the live action Bayformer movies of course.

I think when people discovered that Michael Bay was going to direct a live action Transformers movie, I'd say they were less than thrilled with the announcement. Because what does this aging jock who loves the military really know about a beloved sci-fi franchise from the 1980s? That would be like asking Paul Feige to direct a Ghostbusters movie... Oh wait. If you held a gun to the haters heads and told them to name their favourite of these movies, I think in unison they'd say the 2007 movie (because Bumblebee doesn't count). Honestly the first movie is the only one to hold a consistent tone and plot where as the other movies just kind of splurged all over the place with nonsensical plots, ridiculous set pieces, and the kind of cringey humour that wouldn't even make the Nostalgia Critic laugh.

Before we delve into what is fundamentally wrong with these movies I want to quickly address something that a lot of people say they hate about these movies, in that their favourite characters tend to get killed off without a seconds hesitation. I like to refer to this as "the Die Hard set up." In the Die Hard series, John McClane is pitted against a generic European terrorist with generic European goons as back up. These goons have zero personality and are just there to die. They rarely say anything, have about 20 minutes of screen time and they go out in a hail of bullets and blood. We love it because there's nothing more satisfying than watching John McClane blow these bitches to kingdom come in a variety of creative ways because that's all they really there for isn't it?

Whether it's the X-Men or the Transformers, it doesn't translate very well when using this setup based on a franchise with beloved characters who have backstories, personality, likeability, and development over the course of their comics or cartoon series. Just telling us this character is called Sideswipe or Shockwave doesn't fucking cut it, Michael Bay, if that's their only defining character traits and you just shove them in the background waiting to die. This also happened in Avengers: Infinity War (not that anybody would have the stones to admit this in reviews) but Thanos's children are one-dimensional characters who are there to die very similar to the one note and faceless Decepticons of the Transformers movies. While not related to the Die Hard set up, I wanna put this here before we really get into what's wrong with these movies - the ever changing cast of Transformers. I understand every Transformers movie is basically a 2 hour toy commerical for Hasbro, but I think the audience would like some consistency. In Revenge of the Fallen we're introduced to Arcee, Sideswipe, Jolt (who I think only had one scene in the entire franchise), and the redneck twins. Yet suddenly in Dark of the Moon, only Sideswipe returns along with newcomers, Q and DINO. Where did the others go? Adding to that with Age of Extinction, Sideswipe and DINO just vanish as they make way for Drift, Crosshairs, and Hound. As I said in the Frozen review, I shouldn't need a secondary source to understand the story you're currently telling. If those characters died or left in a tie-in comic book then that's bad story telling. Then again I'm trying to imply Michael Bay and the guys who killed The Mummy and Amazing Spider-Man 2 are capable of good story telling.

This leads us to the first main irritance that people have with these movies. For a movie called TRANSFORMERS it's really not about them but rather the irritating adventures of Shia Labeouf and his pornstar girlfriend of the week, before switching over to the zany antics of Marky Mark and whatever glamour model Michael Bay can get his grubby little mitts on for the sequels.

Let's talk about how Michael Bay seems incapable of shooting what we actually want to see. You'll have a shot of Optimus Prime having a climactic final showdown against the likes of Megatron or Lockdown, yet it's in the background so we can focus on a close-up shot of fast cars or whoever Michael bay is porking that week. Bumblebee would be the film to break this cycle and have the action focus on the giant fighting robots (thank God) but my point is Bay didn't seem all that interested in the titular characters and feels "hey look at this girl. She's hot, right!?"

Now for the Bayhem.

The first movie from 2007 is the most passible of the bunch. The basic premise is to find the Allspark. It's a simple plot that is easy to follow and understand. Both robot fanctions need this object for their own reasons and it doesn't get too complicated. Unfortunately so many subplots and side characters get tangled up in this mess which stretches the film out longer than it should be, whereas the entire thing could have been resolved in an hour and ten minutes. But for the first movie in a series you can forgive a few issues because the movies will *hopefully* get better from that point on. Yes some of the side characters are really annoying but they're kept to a minimum. Yes we could nitpick things like "how did Megatron learn about Earth's languages and technology while being frozen in ice?" but this is gonna be a LOOOOOOONG summary so let's just say "a wizard did it" and move on.

Revenge of the Fallen is where the problems really began to set in on this franchise. I remember seeing this movie in New York City (first movie I saw in the USA) and the crowd were AMAZING. I've seen movies in the UK my entire life and I'd rarely see the audience react to what was happening on screen. God bless Americans, for they REALLY get into these movies. Even the fucking trailers got a standing ovation from these guys and they'd cheer/boo/scream/cry at everything that happened on screen. The death of Optimus Prime got the same kind of reactions you'd hear from a live WWE crowd. I saw this film with my buddy Tarosan and we couldn't believe how insane they got. So regardless of what I say about the film now, I wanna say thank you to that crowd that night. You were the true heroes who made my evening. God bless.

The action with the giant robots is solid and the fight scenes are better than the first movie, I will give it that. Unfortunately, the irritating and borderline offensive interactions with the human comedy characters became front and center, and set the standard for the rest of the films. In a movie about Autobots fighting Decepticons we really didn't need a subplot of Sam's mum high on pot brownies, talking about fucking her college professors, skinny dipping, and ball sacks. Neither do we need to see John Turturro in a thong and working with his mummy at a butchers. Because you know what I think of Transformers, I think of pot brownies and enemy scrotums. While you can blame this all on the writers strike at the time, many of this falls at the feet of Michael Bay once again. Who has a difficult time understanding the difference between what he finds funny with what the audience is willing to tollerate! Even the writers of the film said "that wasn't in our script!" when they were asked about the movies cringey moments. My working theory is this - Transformers was a monster hit for Paramount in 2007, so they just gave Bay a shit load of money and said "do what you want!"

Megatron: Oh. So unwise!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZI0o3…

Dark of the Moon really began to piss on the continuity of these films for you really began to suspect Michael Bay was just making this up as he went along. In the first movie we're told that Autobots learned of human culture through the world wide web and our worlds have had zero interaction with each other. In the second film we would learn that they have met before during the primal stages. Then in the third movie we learnt that the Decepticons worked with humanity in secret during the moon landing of 1969, by having Soundwave doing dodgy deals on Earth with bribes and espionage. Then Age of Extinction would contradict this again, by having the Transformers arrive during the age of the Dinosaurs, and using "all powerful maguffin #4" to create new Cybetronian life out of Dinosaur remains. And just when we thought this stupidity couldn't get any worse, we learn in The Last Knight that Bumblebee led a brigade in World War II, and a Cybetronian killed Adolf Hitler. I like to believe that was when audiences finally had enough of this nonsense. Well it was either that or the revelation that King Arthur formed an Illuminati with Transformers and they needed the living desentent of Merlin the Magician to repower Cybetron.

I've seen House of the Dead plots make more sense than this idiocy!

Which leads us into Age of Extinction because I refuse to watch the Last Knight ever again. To the best of my knowledge I've only seen this film twice and strangely enough I still hold onto a lot of the opinions I had the first time I saw it which you can read in the review here. www.deviantart.com/randomdc3/a… Granted the comic has aged VERY poorly. Hey! 2014 was a very bad year for me, so judge fairly.

My chief complaint is still that the film is far too long than it needs to be. If you cut this movie in half and sold it is two different films I be perfectly ok with that. I hear this movie gets slammed a lot for product placement and I want to give my 2 pence on that issue. Most of the time I will defend product placement because if your movie is set in the real world then these brands will exist and it will be kind of stupid to just make something up to avoid paying a licence fee.

"Hey guys I'm going to head on down to the Monarch Burger in my new Nickel trainers, do you guys want anything from Moonpound Coffee on the way home?"

I mean sure if you're making a fantasy epic and your knights, elves, and dwarfs walk past a KFC then yeah that is stupid, but complaining about a movie that has product placement is like complaining the sky is blue. However I completely understand when people hate product placement if it is overly obnoxious and blatant about it. The greatest offender in my opinion was the movies produced by Friedberg and Seltzer, because they would just devote entire scenes to say "hey everybody buy these products!" Age of Extinction crosses that line when they had two scenes devoted solely to product placement. The first being when the enemies are using Transformium to turn a ball into various forms of cash grab advertisement. The second was Cade Yeager staring at a bunch of Bud Light bottles on the floor, and they even shot the bottles in slow motion and lens flare for god's sake!

Another area of contention with this movie is how blatant it is at marketing itself towards China. A practice that's become sort of common place with Hollywood with these days. Probably because they finally realise that Americans are staying away from all the uninteresting garbage they pump out every year, so there are now marketing themselves towards an audience that will just eat up anything without questioning the quality first. I could grumble about the Dinobots lack of inclusion, how Optimus Prime suddenly has a kill crazy streak and hates humans (which completely contradicts his character) how that Galvatron was incredibly pointless in this movie, or how Lockdown was just the best thing in general.

But what really brings my piss to a boil about this movie is that it set things up that the Last Knight completely fucking ignores. We finally got the Dinobots in these movies, who then go on to do nothing. We finally get an interesting main character and single dad whose girl just magically vanishes from the sequel. We get a mystery involving the Autobots creators that the sequel just ignores to give us a useless character in the form of Quintessa. We finally get Galvatron in the live action movies, that the sequel just ignores and gives us Megatron again with no explanation whatsoever. And just when you think we finally moved on from the tangled stupidity from the last 4 movies, it brings it all back for the sequel and makes an absolute pig's ear of it. It's a bit like how Resident Evil 4 decided to move on from the established continuity and begin things afresh only for the series to bring back the continuity and headaches for 5 and 6. Can't imagine why they started again for 7.

Let's talk about the cosmic macguffins each film introduced. I understand the appeal of having an all powerful macguffin in your story, because it drives your characters to a goal, has an element of mystery, and backstory that can open up your story and world. But what makes an all powerful cosmic macguffin worthless is if you keep introducing one in every single movie. It's kind of why I can't take legendary Pokémon seriously anymore because they keep adding new ones in every single game, because after they introduced Arceus (who was the Pokémon equivalent of God) where do you really go after that point? When they had the Allspark in the first movie that was all you really needed, so by movie 5 there were so many Cybertronian artefacts scattered on this planet that Earth basically became a Cybertronian storage closet.

Jazz: Hey Prime, have you seen the TV remote?
Prime: Oh yeah I left it on Earth. Don't worry just find a human, they'll perform some ancient ritual bullshit and they'll find it no problem.

Let's have a quick natter about the two... I want to say "stars" of these movies. Before he went completely fucking mental with He Will Not Divide Us, Shia LaBeouf had the potential of becoming a famous movie star. But sadly we're not really gonna remember him for being in Transformers; but instead remember him for screaming at people, accusations of anti-semitism, and having one of the greatest games of capture the flag the internet has ever seen. In the 2007 movie he was somewhat likeable yet starting with Revenge of the Fallen he kind of devolved into this stuttering idiot, screaming out random things and behaving like a crack addict. You'd almost believe that he wasn't really playing a character and we were getting a snippet for what was to come in his later years. Shia from that point became full-on annoying and I was glad when he was finally shown the door. It's actually one of the reasons that I say Age of Extinction is a good movie despite it's negative press. I mean I will gladly have Mark Wahlberg pretending to be an inventor over Shia constantly screaming "oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!!" at the top of his lungs in a irritating voice any day!

From irritating activism, to softcore porn as we talk about Shia's co star - Megan Fox. Now I don't personally like Megan Fox but there is one thing I will respect her for. She's basically said in interviews that she only gets movie roles because she's Megan Fox. It's a very rare case of honesty you see in Hollywood these days and I find it incredibly commendable. I mean unlike people such as Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence, she just comes out with it and says "yeah I get these roles because I look like me!" That aside I personally find her to be a trashy pornstar with the acting talent of a brick....

....I said brick! not penis!

But in all seriousness the real stars of the movie is the United States Military. Serious question - Why doesn't Michael Bay direct a live action Call of Duty movie? I mean he'll get to shoot all the army crap he likes without those pesky things such as character, backstory, personality, and developement to get in the way of his explosions.

And that is all we can say about the Transformers movies. One of them was good, one of them was alright, one of them was simply ok, and the rest is just fodder. Yet I don't think they're the worst thing to ever happen to cinema or movies based on beloved franchises. That honor still belongs to the live action Resident Evil movies in my opinion. At least these movies were about Optimus Prime and not a made up character called "Mywifetron" who's a shitty Mary Sue or anything. Still you'd think a movie based on a toy line from a very successful cartoon series wouldn't be something you could cock up very easily.

But when you hire Michael Bay.......

Description
I would say these movies are "more than meets the eye" but we all know I'd be lying.

This is going to be a long summary, but if you just want the short version then here it is. I still like some of these movies but I understand why people don't like them. Yes they have problems and are in dire need of an editor, but I still enjoy them. This review will count as my opinion until I decide to update this in the future.

I know it would be incredibly easy to just say "these are movies based on a toy" and call it a day. However since its debut in the late 80s, the Transformers has evolved into a franchise that is more than just action figures. There's a deep sense of lore, characters, continuity, and ideas that have evolved over time. Just a real shame that Michael Bay took all those things and smashed it to pieces with a sledgehammer, followed by 300 explosions with lens flare and shaky cam. For years, I just accepted that this is the best we're going to get and asking a movie to be based around the beloved G1 continuity would be impossible...

....And then Bumblebee happen.

I won't waste time on Bumblebee because I've already reviewed the movie and my thoughts on it remain unchanged. www.deviantart.com/randomdc3/a…

I remember leaving the theatre that night and I began to wonder, now that this film exists, what do I think of the previous six? Well five actually, because my opinions of the Last Night are also unchanged. www.deviantart.com/randomdc3/a… Granted Beast Wars II's movie was Japanese exclusive but it did get released in cinemas so it counts.

Going to keep my thoughts on the 1986 movie pretty short because theyre isn't that much to say about it. I jokingly like to call it "baby's first snuff film" because deep down that's exactly what it was. If time travel was possible I would love to go back and sit in on that film on opening night. Just to hear all those kids crying in fear as their fav heroes melted and blew up before their very eyes.

I seriously think I have some issues.

While the live action movies killed off fan favourites for reasons we're about to get to, this film killed off fan favorites for one of the dumbest reasons you could even fathom. "We've discontinued the action figures so let's kill them off!" It's a bit like a store manager telling his employees "you're not as successful as the employee of the month so you've all been fired!" One of the greatest mistakes Hasbro has ever made with the franchise was killing off Optimus Prime and turning Megatron into Galvatron. It was ultimately a stupid decision to replace two of the most iconic characters of the franchise with an inexperienced leader and making the main antagonist mentally retarded. It's a bit like replacing two intelligent and capable leaders with Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

All in all I still love the soundtrack of this movie but I do admit it's a product of its time. One of the longest-running toy commercials in cinema history, before the live action Bayformer movies of course.

I think when people discovered that Michael Bay was going to direct a live action Transformers movie, I'd say they were less than thrilled with the announcement. Because what does this aging jock who loves the military really know about a beloved sci-fi franchise from the 1980s? That would be like asking Paul Feige to direct a Ghostbusters movie... Oh wait. If you held a gun to the haters heads and told them to name their favourite of these movies, I think in unison they'd say the 2007 movie (because Bumblebee doesn't count). Honestly the first movie is the only one to hold a consistent tone and plot where as the other movies just kind of splurged all over the place with nonsensical plots, ridiculous set pieces, and the kind of cringey humour that wouldn't even make the Nostalgia Critic laugh.

Before we delve into what is fundamentally wrong with these movies I want to quickly address something that a lot of people say they hate about these movies, in that their favourite characters tend to get killed off without a seconds hesitation. I like to refer to this as "the Die Hard set up." In the Die Hard series, John McClane is pitted against a generic European terrorist with generic European goons as back up. These goons have zero personality and are just there to die. They rarely say anything, have about 20 minutes of screen time and they go out in a hail of bullets and blood. We love it because there's nothing more satisfying than watching John McClane blow these bitches to kingdom come in a variety of creative ways because that's all they really there for isn't it?

Whether it's the X-Men or the Transformers, it doesn't translate very well when using this setup based on a franchise with beloved characters who have backstories, personality, likeability, and development over the course of their comics or cartoon series. Just telling us this character is called Sideswipe or Shockwave doesn't fucking cut it, Michael Bay, if that's their only defining character traits and you just shove them in the background waiting to die. This also happened in Avengers: Infinity War (not that anybody would have the stones to admit this in reviews) but Thanos's children are one-dimensional characters who are there to die very similar to the one note and faceless Decepticons of the Transformers movies. While not related to the Die Hard set up, I wanna put this here before we really get into what's wrong with these movies - the ever changing cast of Transformers. I understand every Transformers movie is basically a 2 hour toy commerical for Hasbro, but I think the audience would like some consistency. In Revenge of the Fallen we're introduced to Arcee, Sideswipe, Jolt (who I think only had one scene in the entire franchise), and the redneck twins. Yet suddenly in Dark of the Moon, only Sideswipe returns along with newcomers, Q and DINO. Where did the others go? Adding to that with Age of Extinction, Sideswipe and DINO just vanish as they make way for Drift, Crosshairs, and Hound. As I said in the Frozen review, I shouldn't need a secondary source to understand the story you're currently telling. If those characters died or left in a tie-in comic book then that's bad story telling. Then again I'm trying to imply Michael Bay and the guys who killed The Mummy and Amazing Spider-Man 2 are capable of good story telling.

This leads us to the first main irritance that people have with these movies. For a movie called TRANSFORMERS it's really not about them but rather the irritating adventures of Shia Labeouf and his pornstar girlfriend of the week, before switching over to the zany antics of Marky Mark and whatever glamour model Michael Bay can get his grubby little mitts on for the sequels.

Let's talk about how Michael Bay seems incapable of shooting what we actually want to see. You'll have a shot of Optimus Prime having a climactic final showdown against the likes of Megatron or Lockdown, yet it's in the background so we can focus on a close-up shot of fast cars or whoever Michael bay is porking that week. Bumblebee would be the film to break this cycle and have the action focus on the giant fighting robots (thank God) but my point is Bay didn't seem all that interested in the titular characters and feels "hey look at this girl. She's hot, right!?"

Now for the Bayhem.

The first movie from 2007 is the most passible of the bunch. The basic premise is to find the Allspark. It's a simple plot that is easy to follow and understand. Both robot fanctions need this object for their own reasons and it doesn't get too complicated. Unfortunately so many subplots and side characters get tangled up in this mess which stretches the film out longer than it should be, whereas the entire thing could have been resolved in an hour and ten minutes. But for the first movie in a series you can forgive a few issues because the movies will *hopefully* get better from that point on. Yes some of the side characters are really annoying but they're kept to a minimum. Yes we could nitpick things like "how did Megatron learn about Earth's languages and technology while being frozen in ice?" but this is gonna be a LOOOOOOONG summary so let's just say "a wizard did it" and move on.

Revenge of the Fallen is where the problems really began to set in on this franchise. I remember seeing this movie in New York City (first movie I saw in the USA) and the crowd were AMAZING. I've seen movies in the UK my entire life and I'd rarely see the audience react to what was happening on screen. God bless Americans, for they REALLY get into these movies. Even the fucking trailers got a standing ovation from these guys and they'd cheer/boo/scream/cry at everything that happened on screen. The death of Optimus Prime got the same kind of reactions you'd hear from a live WWE crowd. I saw this film with my buddy Tarosan and we couldn't believe how insane they got. So regardless of what I say about the film now, I wanna say thank you to that crowd that night. You were the true heroes who made my evening. God bless.

The action with the giant robots is solid and the fight scenes are better than the first movie, I will give it that. Unfortunately, the irritating and borderline offensive interactions with the human comedy characters became front and center, and set the standard for the rest of the films. In a movie about Autobots fighting Decepticons we really didn't need a subplot of Sam's mum high on pot brownies, talking about fucking her college professors, skinny dipping, and ball sacks. Neither do we need to see John Turturro in a thong and working with his mummy at a butchers. Because you know what I think of Transformers, I think of pot brownies and enemy scrotums. While you can blame this all on the writers strike at the time, many of this falls at the feet of Michael Bay once again. Who has a difficult time understanding the difference between what he finds funny with what the audience is willing to tollerate! Even the writers of the film said "that wasn't in our script!" when they were asked about the movies cringey moments. My working theory is this - Transformers was a monster hit for Paramount in 2007, so they just gave Bay a shit load of money and said "do what you want!"

Megatron: Oh. So unwise!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZI0o3…

Dark of the Moon really began to piss on the continuity of these films for you really began to suspect Michael Bay was just making this up as he went along. In the first movie we're told that Autobots learned of human culture through the world wide web and our worlds have had zero interaction with each other. In the second film we would learn that they have met before during the primal stages. Then in the third movie we learnt that the Decepticons worked with humanity in secret during the moon landing of 1969, by having Soundwave doing dodgy deals on Earth with bribes and espionage. Then Age of Extinction would contradict this again, by having the Transformers arrive during the age of the Dinosaurs, and using "all powerful maguffin #4" to create new Cybetronian life out of Dinosaur remains. And just when we thought this stupidity couldn't get any worse, we learn in The Last Knight that Bumblebee led a brigade in World War II, and a Cybetronian killed Adolf Hitler. I like to believe that was when audiences finally had enough of this nonsense. Well it was either that or the revelation that King Arthur formed an Illuminati with Transformers and they needed the living desentent of Merlin the Magician to repower Cybetron.

I've seen House of the Dead plots make more sense than this idiocy!

Which leads us into Age of Extinction because I refuse to watch the Last Knight ever again. To the best of my knowledge I've only seen this film twice and strangely enough I still hold onto a lot of the opinions I had the first time I saw it which you can read in the review here. www.deviantart.com/randomdc3/a… Granted the comic has aged VERY poorly. Hey! 2014 was a very bad year for me, so judge fairly.

My chief complaint is still that the film is far too long than it needs to be. If you cut this movie in half and sold it is two different films I be perfectly ok with that. I hear this movie gets slammed a lot for product placement and I want to give my 2 pence on that issue. Most of the time I will defend product placement because if your movie is set in the real world then these brands will exist and it will be kind of stupid to just make something up to avoid paying a licence fee.

"Hey guys I'm going to head on down to the Monarch Burger in my new Nickel trainers, do you guys want anything from Moonpound Coffee on the way home?"

I mean sure if you're making a fantasy epic and your knights, elves, and dwarfs walk past a KFC then yeah that is stupid, but complaining about a movie that has product placement is like complaining the sky is blue. However I completely understand when people hate product placement if it is overly obnoxious and blatant about it. The greatest offender in my opinion was the movies produced by Friedberg and Seltzer, because they would just devote entire scenes to say "hey everybody buy these products!" Age of Extinction crosses that line when they had two scenes devoted solely to product placement. The first being when the enemies are using Transformium to turn a ball into various forms of cash grab advertisement. The second was Cade Yeager staring at a bunch of Bud Light bottles on the floor, and they even shot the bottles in slow motion and lens flare for god's sake!

Another area of contention with this movie is how blatant it is at marketing itself towards China. A practice that's become sort of common place with Hollywood with these days. Probably because they finally realise that Americans are staying away from all the uninteresting garbage they pump out every year, so there are now marketing themselves towards an audience that will just eat up anything without questioning the quality first. I could grumble about the Dinobots lack of inclusion, how Optimus Prime suddenly has a kill crazy streak and hates humans (which completely contradicts his character) how that Galvatron was incredibly pointless in this movie, or how Lockdown was just the best thing in general.

But what really brings my piss to a boil about this movie is that it set things up that the Last Knight completely fucking ignores. We finally got the Dinobots in these movies, who then go on to do nothing. We finally get an interesting main character and single dad whose girl just magically vanishes from the sequel. We get a mystery involving the Autobots creators that the sequel just ignores to give us a useless character in the form of Quintessa. We finally get Galvatron in the live action movies, that the sequel just ignores and gives us Megatron again with no explanation whatsoever. And just when you think we finally moved on from the tangled stupidity from the last 4 movies, it brings it all back for the sequel and makes an absolute pig's ear of it. It's a bit like how Resident Evil 4 decided to move on from the established continuity and begin things afresh only for the series to bring back the continuity and headaches for 5 and 6. Can't imagine why they started again for 7.

Let's talk about the cosmic macguffins each film introduced. I understand the appeal of having an all powerful macguffin in your story, because it drives your characters to a goal, has an element of mystery, and backstory that can open up your story and world. But what makes an all powerful cosmic macguffin worthless is if you keep introducing one in every single movie. It's kind of why I can't take legendary Pokémon seriously anymore because they keep adding new ones in every single game, because after they introduced Arceus (who was the Pokémon equivalent of God) where do you really go after that point? When they had the Allspark in the first movie that was all you really needed, so by movie 5 there were so many Cybertronian artefacts scattered on this planet that Earth basically became a Cybertronian storage closet.

Jazz: Hey Prime, have you seen the TV remote?
Prime: Oh yeah I left it on Earth. Don't worry just find a human, they'll perform some ancient ritual bullshit and they'll find it no problem.

Let's have a quick natter about the two... I want to say "stars" of these movies. Before he went completely fucking mental with He Will Not Divide Us, Shia LaBeouf had the potential of becoming a famous movie star. But sadly we're not really gonna remember him for being in Transformers; but instead remember him for screaming at people, accusations of anti-semitism, and having one of the greatest games of capture the flag the internet has ever seen. In the 2007 movie he was somewhat likeable yet starting with Revenge of the Fallen he kind of devolved into this stuttering idiot, screaming out random things and behaving like a crack addict. You'd almost believe that he wasn't really playing a character and we were getting a snippet for what was to come in his later years. Shia from that point became full-on annoying and I was glad when he was finally shown the door. It's actually one of the reasons that I say Age of Extinction is a good movie despite it's negative press. I mean I will gladly have Mark Wahlberg pretending to be an inventor over Shia constantly screaming "oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!!" at the top of his lungs in a irritating voice any day!

From irritating activism, to softcore porn as we talk about Shia's co star - Megan Fox. Now I don't personally like Megan Fox but there is one thing I will respect her for. She's basically said in interviews that she only gets movie roles because she's Megan Fox. It's a very rare case of honesty you see in Hollywood these days and I find it incredibly commendable. I mean unlike people such as Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence, she just comes out with it and says "yeah I get these roles because I look like me!" That aside I personally find her to be a trashy pornstar with the acting talent of a brick....

....I said brick! not penis!

But in all seriousness the real stars of the movie is the United States Military. Serious question - Why doesn't Michael Bay direct a live action Call of Duty movie? I mean he'll get to shoot all the army crap he likes without those pesky things such as character, backstory, personality, and developement to get in the way of his explosions.

And that is all we can say about the Transformers movies. One of them was good, one of them was alright, one of them was simply ok, and the rest is just fodder. Yet I don't think they're the worst thing to ever happen to cinema or movies based on beloved franchises. That honor still belongs to the live action Resident Evil movies in my opinion. At least these movies were about Optimus Prime and not a made up character called "Mywifetron" who's a shitty Mary Sue or anything. Still you'd think a movie based on a toy line from a very successful cartoon series wouldn't be something you could cock up very easily.

But when you hire Michael Bay.......