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Rayen-V-Storme — Forget Me Not
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Published: 2015-07-29 04:49:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 1013; Favourites: 33; Downloads: 0
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Description
This was my first attempt to publish something in a magazine, based off of a short a wrote a year or two ago under the same name. It never got accepted, but I got some decent feedback from a few editors which was awesome! So I'll share it here instead. In retrospect, it isn't very good...but it was fun to write, so ha!~Rayen
Art Credit
"The Poor District" by Tryingtofly
:thumb417718696:
Linky Link - tryingtofly.deviantart.com/art…
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Comments: 16
This is very good, and I'll agree with Undomiel about the "Never and often" bit. Also, in my opinion, just a slight overuse of similes. Not everything needs to be like something else.
Still, rather exceptional. Kudos.
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Gracias! Haha, yes, the similes got a little too real here XD Sometimes I try a bit too hard to world build and it just comes out sounding like "this fictional environment, JUST LIKE *insert other fictional environment". Ah well, learn and move on.
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback.
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You're welcome for the feedback. It's just a personal gripe of mine. I never like seeing too much of anything.
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Interesting! I like the way you treat your futuristic world with intimate details. You really do make it feel possible and tangible. And you do a nice job of trying to tackle something meaningful and not get lost in the trivial.
I have a suggested edit- at the bottom of page seven you say "People never came to the park often." Although there isn't really anything technically wrong with this sentence, the sense of "never" and "often" are somewhat contradictory, and the sentence feels misleading, on the verge of ambiguous. (if people never came to the park often, then did they always come to the park sometimes?) "Never" is a very strong word, an absolute, and I was always told to treat both "never" and "always" with caution. I would probably change the sentence to read "People didn't come to the park often," or "People didn't usually come to the park," and only "People never came to the park" if you meant something more absolute, and then don't tack on an "often" after it. I hope I'm not rambling, but you get what I mean, right?
In any case, I could just be picky. I think the story is pretty cool. You know I love reading your work, Rayen.
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Thank you as always! I've always wanted for books and movies to explore those worlds a little more....in depth. There is so much to see but the focus is always on the big stuff. Perfect example: Star Wars. We see the planet Coruscant (the city planet in case you're not a fan) and we see the Jedi Temple, the Senate, the Skyscrapers, blah blah blah, the pretty stuff and the big stuff. BUT according to lore, there is a massive underbelly and trillions of people and SO MUCH to see and explore but we never get to because it isn't "big".
So I like small stuff too. Because it's interesting.
Sorry, tangent.
I get it, that's a good point. Grammatically sound but the message it sends is incorrect. Makes sense. Good catch, thank you! Not being picky, haha, not at all. A poorly worded sentence can ruin the flow of a reader and thus ruin the flow of the story, so all good!
And as always, thank you ^.^ You da best.
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So glad I could be of help!
I totally get what you mean about exploring worlds more. I often find myself getting lost in thought looking at ruins or abandoned houses, street corners, alleys, just any place where people are or used to be, living in their own little private worlds. I wish I knew what it was like to be them, to call that place home, you know? And I'm a big fan of Star Wars, of course. I understand why those story tellers don't go into too much detail, though. The story must progress! Only include that which is important! Because, and especially in film, you have your audience for a limited time or else you'll lose their interest and lose the flow of the story.
And...hinting at more to something without spelling it out, gosh, so many of those grand world builders in story telling (I'm talking LOTR and such) were so great at that. Without going into explicit detail they give you the impression that there are layers and layers, history, culture, art, everything to make a world real. It speaks to how well they did that if it makes us want to go exploring there to find out more, to visit, to become a part of it. But, I think explicit detail would have gotten boring, and would have ruined the magic, you know? We as writers rely so much on the imagination of our readers. They fill in the gaps, they add the longing and the vastness themselves. We just give them hints.
It reminds me of what I learned about horror movies in film school (it works in other genre's too, so just follow me on this). Monsters are always scarier when you DON'T see them on screen. Because our imagination is so much better than anything those special effects artists can come up with, good though they may be. So, in short, Coruscant's underbelly seems so vast and interesting because the story teller decided not to show it, but only hint at it! We imagine it the many millions of ways it might be, and aren't disappointed.
However, I feel it is the prerogative of every writer to go where their imagination may take them, and tell the stories they find interesting. So if you focus on the little parts, those seemingly insignificant lives, and bring them to light and give them weight, so much the better! I think its awesome! Those can be equally great stories. We can find more to learn, enjoy, and share as you shine the spotlight of your imagination on them.
So, I guess also in other words, it wasn't because those people or places weren't "big" but because they weren't important to the author's story. We, as creators, decide who gets to be big.
Ah, such an interesting discussion. But I think I'm rambling again. Anyways, always fun to chat with you Rayen!
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There's a branch of photography - I cannot for the life of me recall what it is labeled as - that is based around the exploration and documentation of ruins and abandoned buildings. That would be such a...fun is the word I want to use but it isn't the right one. It'd be an eerie and haunting, yet beautifully intriguing job. I feel that you'd enjoy that, haha. And yes, you're right, time time time. Gotta finish the story!
That's true, there's a reason that people always love the book more than the movie. No matter how good the film, it is almost never just how we pictured the book to be! Between our minds filling in the details and interpreting them as we wish, every story ends up being personalized to the reader themselves....our minds populate the world, so to speak. You're right, explicit detail would kill that...haha, very true there! The best monsters are never seen. I guess that's why I like Coruscant XD
"We, as creators, decide who gets to be big." -- I like that a lot. I guess there really isn't such a thing as a "big" or "small" story, there's just a focus.
Interesting indeed! No worries, not rambling at all. An enjoyable discussion!
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Yup! Recycling, it's good for the environment!
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That is true
Did you delete the old one?
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Yup, took it down. Never had many hits on it anyways, haha.
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-paps- How could you?!
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