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Robbeknol — A man in the rain
Published: 2006-06-14 10:15:06 +0000 UTC; Views: 179; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 7
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Description He stood paralyzed
fixed stare
for hours
gazing into his own void
leaking into nothingness

Looking through
the medial task
of finding shelter
'cause what does it matter?

Water in his underwear
shivering feels safe
like reality
grasping him at his
most private

And then the pouring
stopped.
and he just
looked up
and walked away.
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Comments: 5

mediatedballe [2006-06-16 23:38:39 +0000 UTC]

Very nice. I think I'd use "fixed gaze" though, in stead of "fixed stare", it's more natural, ya know? And maybe a punctuation mark after "stopped" to underline it. Also I think "paralyzed" is written with a "Z". I especially like the third stanza.

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Robbeknol In reply to mediatedballe [2006-06-16 23:46:25 +0000 UTC]

Yeah but if I use fixed gaze I have to change the verb gazing into staring and then it's basicly the same...

The punctuation mark I changed, you might be right on that one, and paralyZed to ... I guess it's a common mistake cause when I typed both words in on google I got alot of both...

Thanks for the comment!

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mediatedballe In reply to Robbeknol [2006-06-16 23:52:35 +0000 UTC]

Ah, you're right about the gaze/stare thing, didn't see that.

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LIFEisMUSIC [2006-06-14 17:26:57 +0000 UTC]

very nice poem

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Robbeknol In reply to LIFEisMUSIC [2006-06-14 22:31:54 +0000 UTC]

Thanks

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