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RogueZephyr — In the Car
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Published: 2004-12-31 10:40:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 91; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description
We never left the car,I still do not know why,
The windows all fogged up,
We move to the back seats,
You climb into my lap,
Our bodies start to move,
A song I know to well,
Again I let go,
Relinquishing control,
I watch from above,
As your pants move to your knees,
I'm floating outside,
As mine move to my ankles,
You grip my flesh,
Nails biting deep,
The blood drips down my back,
As I give you what you need,
Head against the door,
Legs against the seats,
I see it all from outside,
Like a pervert looking in,
That sad look is in your eyes,
The lust in your voice,
I grunt,
You moan,
Now your standing next to me,
On the outside looking in,
I see it in your eyes,
Your control has been released,
We watch the caged animals,
As they do what they know best,
Suddenly were slammed back,
Reality comes rushing in,
We've finish with our dirty dance,
A fourty second orgasm is our master piece,
An awkward silence as we redress,
Composure regained,
I take you home,
We'll see each other soon,
And release us once again.
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Comments: 8
There's only one thing I can possibly say to this (besides the fact that its taken me FOREVER to get around to reading all of this...) and that's I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WROTE ABOUT THAT! hehe...
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thats more like it, i like this one, i dont kno why- despite the mental image that i couldve done so much better without. still, the emotion is successfuly captured as the animals in the cage, this car. ...or a coffin, as how i look at it. and to think, if indeed you are temporarily dead inside right now, then the car would be a fitting "resting" place for the beast with two backs. ryhme and rhythm balanced succesfully with free verse. this one is very good. i wonder if the devil is working thru you.
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lol... I doubt it... just lust and the lack of the right person to satiate my sexual desires... had one once as you know... now I seek someone to match...
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Subject matter and performance is spot on, i like especially
An awkward silence as we redress,
Composure regained...
However I don't like the comma-after-every-line format, it doesn't fit you free verse very well. I think some of the lines would do better without,
I see it all from outside
Like a pervert looking in,
nevertheless, good jazz.
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Yea I get that a lot about the commas... I tend to type and write the way my mind makes it sound... thus everything ends up gaped... or with a lot of pauses... I never quite end a thought before moving to the next... it all just comes out how it wants to... mayhaps I shall give it a thought the next time I write though... hmmm... thank you for the input... I like new ideas...
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