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Description

Little bit of personal life blurb, contains domestic/familial abuse. This more for me to look back on in the future to see where I was and where I would be then, but also where I am now.

I had to move out on my own at 16 and really suffered the years later.

  My parents divorced and my mother moved to Ottawa for her job and I didn't want to go with her so I could finish school with my friends (also I'm severely shy in person and socially inept). My father has a girlfriend from before the divorce and before my mother even left he brought her into my life regularly and expected me to go with the flow. Of course the change had affected me despite knowing and wanting my parents to divorce but I wasn't ready for someone new and with a child (maybe 5 years my junior). Now, my father has a past of domestic abuse with me and my mum to the point we had to move to Japan for a bit when I was little but we came back because we were financially dependent on him. The last few years however of me living with him he was less abusive and I had what I perceived a closer relationship with him than my mum, who was also abusive though more emotionally and verbally.

Then, it seemed out of nowhere, I was being pushed to the side for his new family. I was regularly left at home by myself with little food and maybe 25$ to buy groceries. Or when I was with them I was expected to be polite and push aside any negative feelings about what was going on. A big hit in the stomach was when we went to California for my birthday but I was only allowed one souvenir when his girfriend's son had many (I asked for two more cheap things and got scolded for it) and despite promise I could chose where we ate, I was ignored and forced to go to somewhere I didn't want to go because his girlfriend didn't want to eat Japanese food. Perhaps the biggest slight that my father did to show he didn't want me in his family was the family portrait where I was nowhere to be found despite all the photos coming from the trip we all took together.



This accumulated to a tipping point that led me to leave my father. I, at the time, was a "swim instructor" (I didn't finish my license, was getting volunteer hours in but was given my own classes a few times). At the end of the morning lessons we gather at the hot tub to discuss what was done and how to be better at our job. This is when my father was yelling my name and beckoning me to come. As a side note, my father had tried to talk to me multiple times during my classes (with very young children) to speak with him, which of course I couldn't. I misinterpreted his sign of beckoning to leave the hot tub and get ready to leave. Apparently, however, he actually wanted me to walk to him to tell me he was picking up his girlfriend's child. This misinterpretation angered so much that he sent a flurry of texts calling me every bad name and dragging me through the mud and other things that should never be said to your child. Obviously I was distressed and started to cry, my boss at the time brought me into the office to calm me down and read all the texts. Suddenly my father burst through the office door and dragged me out, yelling every profanity at me for not listening to him.

  On the way to my cousin's I was genuinely scared for my life. Luckily, my boss called child services to report him. Not so luckily, my case worker couldn't care less about me. Some time later after the work incident he threw the kitchen table at me, narrowly missing me. That was the point I decided to leave. Thanks to my mother I was given a room to rent with one of her friends. I told the case worker about what happened and she said if there was no injury and no physical abuse I should go back and I was being a brat.

  I cut all contact from my father and the years coming I was doing better but at the same time declining mentally. I overworked myself to avoid dealing with my problems, and it didn't help my work was being taken advantaged of by my workplace. Long story short for this chapter is that I had a mental break down and was admitted to a mental hospital for a month and a half where I simultaneously had a falling out with my three closest friends leaving me to heavily rely on my boyfriend, whom I just had started dating earlier that year. I was given medication for depression, borderline personality disorder, hallucination, anxiety, and ADHD (god I'm a walking mental problem). I came out better and had a wonderful boyfriend to come home to and a cat that I absolutely adore (whom I've gotten a month prior to the admittance). Unfortunately I had to return to the hospital almost a year after for the same problems and was given new medication and more treatment centred around my worsening eating disorder.

The whole shebang with my father has mostly been over with. My mum still has to deal with him legally, and recently in front of a judge he did all the waterworks and begging to make my mum make me talk to him before he'd sign anything. Even the judge was annoyed. But, him being the asshole that he is, tried to legally disown me as his child, meaning I would no longer be his child from marriage, before even contacting me. So of course when he did I ignored it and made my mum send a message back to him for me. That being "acknowledged" and nothing else.

Though I haven't gotten over most things, I'm happy to say I'm at a much better place. I didn't have to go to the hospital last year or this year. I have mostly gotten over my eating disorder and my bad habit of ripping out toenails have gotten better too, it's been a month since I last ripped one out. We are in a really bad spot financially where we are severely in debt and owe a lot of bills. Yet looking at my life I can't be more happy or proud I've made it this far. I may have only two friends but they are close and supportive in everything, I have a boyfriend that has stuck with me even when I was at my worse and lashing out at him in the past, and I have my little kitty baby, Mars Bar, whom I love and spoil to no end. My mum and I have gotten closer, though we still have our spats rather often (however I'm also happy to say she has found a wonderful man for her partner and has made her so happy that I've never seen before). I've also gotten into a university that solely online to help with my agoraphobia and pursuing my life passion of anthropology.

I can't wait to see what I can do in the future and wonder what kind of person I'll be even a year from now. I hope I can work or make enough money from art to move into a better place and be able to support one of my friend's job by commissioning her to make me some dresses and onesies (she's a seamstress). But most of all I hope I become a better person and be able to forgive myself for my past, to be able to look at myself with kindness. My journey with mental health will never end, but I won't let my past keep me hostage. I will get better, even when it dips to the lowest lows, because I know I've gotten through worse and will bounce right back up in due time.

Description

Little bit of personal life blurb, contains domestic/familial abuse. This more for me to look back on in the future to see where I was and where I would be then, but also where I am now.

I had to move out on my own at 16 and really suffered the years later.

  My parents divorced and my mother moved to Ottawa for her job and I didn't want to go with her so I could finish school with my friends (also I'm severely shy in person and socially inept). My father has a girlfriend from before the divorce and before my mother even left he brought her into my life regularly and expected me to go with the flow. Of course the change had affected me despite knowing and wanting my parents to divorce but I wasn't ready for someone new and with a child (maybe 5 years my junior). Now, my father has a past of domestic abuse with me and my mum to the point we had to move to Japan for a bit when I was little but we came back because we were financially dependent on him. The last few years however of me living with him he was less abusive and I had what I perceived a closer relationship with him than my mum, who was also abusive though more emotionally and verbally.

Then, it seemed out of nowhere, I was being pushed to the side for his new family. I was regularly left at home by myself with little food and maybe 25$ to buy groceries. Or when I was with them I was expected to be polite and push aside any negative feelings about what was going on. A big hit in the stomach was when we went to California for my birthday but I was only allowed one souvenir when his girfriend's son had many (I asked for two more cheap things and got scolded for it) and despite promise I could chose where we ate, I was ignored and forced to go to somewhere I didn't want to go because his girlfriend didn't want to eat Japanese food. Perhaps the biggest slight that my father did to show he didn't want me in his family was the family portrait where I was nowhere to be found despite all the photos coming from the trip we all took together.



This accumulated to a tipping point that led me to leave my father. I, at the time, was a "swim instructor" (I didn't finish my license, was getting volunteer hours in but was given my own classes a few times). At the end of the morning lessons we gather at the hot tub to discuss what was done and how to be better at our job. This is when my father was yelling my name and beckoning me to come. As a side note, my father had tried to talk to me multiple times during my classes (with very young children) to speak with him, which of course I couldn't. I misinterpreted his sign of beckoning to leave the hot tub and get ready to leave. Apparently, however, he actually wanted me to walk to him to tell me he was picking up his girlfriend's child. This misinterpretation angered so much that he sent a flurry of texts calling me every bad name and dragging me through the mud and other things that should never be said to your child. Obviously I was distressed and started to cry, my boss at the time brought me into the office to calm me down and read all the texts. Suddenly my father burst through the office door and dragged me out, yelling every profanity at me for not listening to him.

  On the way to my cousin's I was genuinely scared for my life. Luckily, my boss called child services to report him. Not so luckily, my case worker couldn't care less about me. Some time later after the work incident he threw the kitchen table at me, narrowly missing me. That was the point I decided to leave. Thanks to my mother I was given a room to rent with one of her friends. I told the case worker about what happened and she said if there was no injury and no physical abuse I should go back and I was being a brat.

  I cut all contact from my father and the years coming I was doing better but at the same time declining mentally. I overworked myself to avoid dealing with my problems, and it didn't help my work was being taken advantaged of by my workplace. Long story short for this chapter is that I had a mental break down and was admitted to a mental hospital for a month and a half where I simultaneously had a falling out with my three closest friends leaving me to heavily rely on my boyfriend, whom I just had started dating earlier that year. I was given medication for depression, borderline personality disorder, hallucination, anxiety, and ADHD (god I'm a walking mental problem). I came out better and had a wonderful boyfriend to come home to and a cat that I absolutely adore (whom I've gotten a month prior to the admittance). Unfortunately I had to return to the hospital almost a year after for the same problems and was given new medication and more treatment centred around my worsening eating disorder.

The whole shebang with my father has mostly been over with. My mum still has to deal with him legally, and recently in front of a judge he did all the waterworks and begging to make my mum make me talk to him before he'd sign anything. Even the judge was annoyed. But, him being the asshole that he is, tried to legally disown me as his child, meaning I would no longer be his child from marriage, before even contacting me. So of course when he did I ignored it and made my mum send a message back to him for me. That being "acknowledged" and nothing else.

Though I haven't gotten over most things, I'm happy to say I'm at a much better place. I didn't have to go to the hospital last year or this year. I have mostly gotten over my eating disorder and my bad habit of ripping out toenails have gotten better too, it's been a month since I last ripped one out. We are in a really bad spot financially where we are severely in debt and owe a lot of bills. Yet looking at my life I can't be more happy or proud I've made it this far. I may have only two friends but they are close and supportive in everything, I have a boyfriend that has stuck with me even when I was at my worse and lashing out at him in the past, and I have my little kitty baby, Mars Bar, whom I love and spoil to no end. My mum and I have gotten closer, though we still have our spats rather often (however I'm also happy to say she has found a wonderful man for her partner and has made her so happy that I've never seen before). I've also gotten into a university that solely online to help with my agoraphobia and pursuing my life passion of anthropology.

I can't wait to see what I can do in the future and wonder what kind of person I'll be even a year from now. I hope I can work or make enough money from art to move into a better place and be able to support one of my friend's job by commissioning her to make me some dresses and onesies (she's a seamstress). But most of all I hope I become a better person and be able to forgive myself for my past, to be able to look at myself with kindness. My journey with mental health will never end, but I won't let my past keep me hostage. I will get better, even when it dips to the lowest lows, because I know I've gotten through worse and will bounce right back up in due time.