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Published: 2008-12-16 11:42:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 140; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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"Hey, hey Ruby, Ruby wake up" Blaze snapped " I'm sorry, I'm just a bit on edge you know ,we are going to be attacked any day now, everything is getting so off balance lately...""I know, don't worry about it Blaze, we all are"
Ruby's silver eyes rested on Blaze's handsome, golden, wolf face she smiled, showing her white fangs he really is very handsome, maybe...some day she looked away, to even think such thoughts was breaking the law. Sometimes she really hated laws, never having the freedom to do what she wanted to do, always thinking of others.
She smiled and looked at the inside of the large hollow tree that she called her home. The sound of snoring could be heard from Ariel who lived in the smaller hollow tree next to her. She could smell the water, plants and the large variety of animals that lived in the Rebel Camp.
She really wished her mother was still there to take control in Logare, she always knew what to do. It was hard being cast out when she was so young. The Logareans were already a group to themselves but she was more apart than most. Seeing as they all came to her for advice and the fighters always came to her to ask for defence plans, but nobody really tried that hard to talk to her. They only treated her as a leader, not a friend; her only true friend was Blaze...
"Ruby?"
"Oh... I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
"I was saying that an intruder is heading towards us, he doesn't look to friendly, although there is no one travelling with him, I think we should still be wary"
"Ok, I will go and see who it is" as soon as Ruby had finished her sentence she started running. As she moved through the camp, most moved to let her pass then a group of young fighters blocked her path. The leader placed himself firmly in her path yet more disregard to her authority. This never would have happened to her mother.
"Yes Furnan?" she said impatiently.
"We heard there is an intruder headed for us. What do you reccomend for our defenses?"
"Why do we have to go through this every damn time?! I'm not leading this patrol, you are. I've had enough I gave you a warning the last time you did this. It's obvious you can't handle the responsibility your position entails. You are demoted, Clarke you take his place. Understood?"
A muttered grumble of "Yes my lady" goes through the group.
"Good. Now you may continue"
Boy does she move fast. I don't think I will ever get used to it, it amazes me every time I see it. Those silver eyes, that lovely white fur and her beautiful wolf face. I swear she was looking at me but it's probably me just seeing things that were never meant to be. Blaze sighed and sat down on the floor worrying whether she could handle the stranger by herself. Get a grip. She didn't become our leader just by blood, still... I will go after her just to see if she's ok.
The wind blew like a whirlwind through Ruby's fur and sand blew into her eyes as she ran, there were a few cacti around her and other types of plants, but she did not know the names of all of them, only that they had to be very tough to survive in this unforgiving wasteland. She was thankful for the abundant trees and wildlife in the oasis that Logare Camp was set up in. In the distance now she could see something. She carried on running her muscles hardly straining from the long run. She could see it more clearly in the background now; it looked large and had very dark fur.
Comments: 1
hationyx [2008-12-16 12:27:14 +0000 UTC]
I'm not trying to be mean, but did you at least read this over once before posting it?
This suffers from chronic exposition; there is lots of information, which if some time was put in to this - could be displayed through events and behaviour instead.
Indents on every new paragraph help with (the physical side of, at least) reading.
Thoughts should always, *always* be in italics. If you want Italics for da, just put < I> in front of the sentence and < /I> (without the space in there, I had to do that to show the code) at the end. Italics may also warrant the rule 'new speaker, new paragraph' to avoid unexpected thoughts popping up, so a new paragraph could help too.
How in the hell do you expect the audience to realise a perspective change mid-chapter? (at least I assume that's what's happened)
Perspective should not change mid-chapter, even when it does change for a new chapter it should be clear and obvious we are seeing the story through a fresh set of eyes.
What's more, why am I talking about perspective for a third person story? For third person stories thoughts need to be qualified with a:
' what an awful racket Shard thought,'
A story requires much more time investment than a picture. This here bitching in this comment scales up from when I see a crap picture. Being disappointed by a picture takes under a second, it takes a few MINUTES to read a story. Put some time and effort in to writing for the sake of the gods.
Sorry for the long comment
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