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rubyangel7595 — Prologue by-nc-nd
Published: 2010-10-21 00:23:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 331; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 2
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Prologue—Bleached


The final key turned
And the chains were thrust into motion 

 

      "He has returned, Cain." The speaker stood by the curtains, gazing out into the starry sky. The small room was barely bright enough to make up the blurry shapes of the bed and table. There was an eighteenth century feel, but the high ceiling and digital clock in the bedroom made it appear more modern.

      Cain's white suit was immaculately clean. The only hint of color on his outfit was a pastel colored tie, and black shoes. If he wore white, they would dirty easily, and he did not see the sense in it. "'He' is referring to—"

      "Of course. I can feel it all, the overwhelming power flowing into my soul. But…it appears that she came along for the ride." He smiled, truly interesting himself with his own thoughts.

      Cain sat with his back turned to the window, and withdrew a cigarette. He appeared to be searching for something else in his suit pocket. "Huh, I can' seem to find a lighter," he said, but stuck it in his mouth anyway. It automatically lit itself after half a second.

      "So you won't be using that, eh?" Cain asked.

      "No, though it served as the medium until now. It will be even more powerful, and its dormant state will be awakened only by our touch." He fingered the blade, careful not to accidentally slice himself. Cain watched in silence. The hilt of it was special—one side featured a jade dragon, with jeweled ruby eyes, and the other was a phoenix with blazing eyes. He always wondered why the hilt would be so large and made of such a heavy material, which is inconvenient for a short dagger.

      An oil lamp abruptly flicked on, as the flame danced like a butterfly. Cain watched as the man standing by the window gripped the blade tightly. The dim light showed that he was dressed in a traditional Chinese robe that would be worn by an emperor. It used to puzzle him why he always wore traditional clothing, even in this modern age. But then he was asked why he always wore a white suit, but black shoes. Because it feels right. Yeah right. Sometimes, a reason does not exist, or one that has no meaning. Either way, he just decided to get used with
it since it did not affect anything else.

      "Are you feeling lucky today?"

      Cain smiled at the question. "Well then, shall we get started?"

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Comments: 4

Anameroma [2010-11-04 03:55:42 +0000 UTC]

Ooh, this is quite interesting! Here are couple of quick constructive notes to make sure things go smoothly in the future:

1) Try to avoid changing tenses in a body of writing. "He always wondered... would be... made... which is" In this example, you went from past tense to future to past to present. While this makes sense in your head and is an easy mistake to make, it is jarring to the reader and often makes chronology difficult to understand.

2) Try to specify who is speaking. In a few places - such as the last sentence - it is difficult to tell who is saying what. Again, this is difficult to avoid because it makes sense in your head, but is confusing to your readers. They need more specificity.

I hope these help in the future, I'll be looking out for more writing from you!

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rubyangel7595 In reply to Anameroma [2010-11-04 22:13:16 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the criticism! I'll try to pay more attention to the tenses in the future. Better fix that in Chapter three.

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NekoNoKokoro [2010-10-21 04:39:58 +0000 UTC]

OMG I LOVE IT AAAAHHHHHH (FAN GIRL MODE) AAAAHHHH!!!

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rubyangel7595 In reply to NekoNoKokoro [2010-10-21 19:28:34 +0000 UTC]

I'll have three chapters by next week, since I'm writing the third chapter, the first two are done and I'll put one up today.

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