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Published: 2015-08-04 19:33:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 605; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
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A/N: This is one of my original stories I'll post for critiques. First I want to know is which of the two following beginnings draws you in more?
I let out my held in breath when I successfully closed the front door without a sound. I held my coat closer to my face to shield me from the October chill and checked if at least a silver pistol was tucked in one of the many pockets inside. Satisfied, I began my trek through the pitch black streets of New York, looking in every direction every time I would round a corner. You have to be extra careful around this time. Not only is there the usual crime, but most creatures come out around this time for their kill. Only complete idiots would be out the moment the sun sets. But not me. At least I'm prepared. I could make out a bit of the gold number plates on the buildings through the lit torches. 123, only four more blocks to go.
As I crossed the empty street, I caught a shadow figure following not far behind me through the reflection in the corner of my glasses. Even the worst criminals know not to be out at night so this fool has to be some kind of creature in human form. I slid out silver blades from the hidden slots in the knuckles of my leather glove until they looked like Wolverine claws, repeating the action to the other glove and slowly pulled out the pistol, clutching it close to me. I kept walking, occasionally flicking my gaze to the reflection, which shown the figure was still following me. I slowed my pace, waiting for him to get closer to me so I could strike. When he did as I predicted, I shot around and aimed the end of the pistol to his heart. But before I could pull the trigger, he grabbed me and in lightening speed, took me out of human sight. I found myself in the familiar abandoned undergrounds and growled when me 'captor' burst into laughter.
"Damn you Bronwen!" His laughter turned into childish giggles with a hint of a whimper when I elbowed his gut.
"Sorry love, couldn't help it." If this was a different situation, the Irish accent would've melted me but right now I only wanted to aim lower.
"You're in the dog house now. I could've killed you."
"Yet you didn't"
Second beginning
I fist into sandy hair as soft lips trailed kisses down my neck. I gasped when the tips of fangs grazed my throat. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed his cold neck in thanks. He chuckled and pressed his lips to mine. This was one of the many rare times we could express any other emotion besides hate for each other's species. But that's what happens when you're a Helsing and pretty much going against everything your family believes in. With one final kiss, we paused to catch our breaths. His head whipped behind him and he sighed, buttoning his shirt back up.
"Your back up is here." He said, setting me on my feet. Time already? As if on cue, footsteps echoed all around the abandoned underground and the shadowed figure stepped into the soft glow of the single torch on the wall, revealing my childhood friend and fake fiance. Tanner fixed his blazer and slipped on his ring, reminding me to do the same. Our set sparkled, reminding me of the huge lie I kept from my family for so long. It still makes my stomach knot every time I think of it. Love or not.
"The act must continue." was all Tanner said. I kissed Bronwen one last time before joining Tanner's side, taking his hand and pretending I had an undying love for him.
"Keep her safe mortal." Bronwen said, a low growl mixing with his Irish accent.
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Comments: 6
meowgirlc3 [2015-10-20 05:57:25 +0000 UTC]
Nice writing. Too bad I'm not very interested in this type of genre XD
I think if you polish up the first beginning, find better descriptive words and give it a better flow, it could work really well. The first beginning makes me think it's a action story, but the second beginning makes me think it's a romance story. I don't know how your story is going to go, but choose the beginning that works best with how you're going to tell your story. Also, I find the narrative a little boring, like she's just a narrator but not the main character of the story. Give her a little more character, personality, maybe?
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Myvanway [2015-08-13 17:28:29 +0000 UTC]
Hey!
Great that you posted your beginnings.
It will be a honor for me to help you with it.
First of all I think that both beginnings are pretty good but I (just my personal opinion) would prefer the first beginning.
I hope I was a little help for you.
Have a great day!
Myvanway
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rubyelizabeth In reply to Dragongurls [2015-08-04 23:54:58 +0000 UTC]
This is not going to be a complete story I'm going to post on here, it's an idea for an actual novel. I'm just posting this on here to get feedback. If people would actually want to read it and help me along the way, starting with this when I asked which of the two beginnings here should be in the final manuscript.
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Dragongurls In reply to rubyelizabeth [2015-08-05 00:38:49 +0000 UTC]
I would love to read it and I think the first one gives good background info but the second one grabbed me more if you combined them somehow I think it would be brilliant.
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rubyelizabeth In reply to Dragongurls [2015-08-05 01:31:39 +0000 UTC]
Thanx! Helsing will come after the book series I'm currently working on. I'll be posting snippets from the series for critiques too but Helsing will be on hold until the series is finished.
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