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SaintWalker1806 — SFS: Timelines (Terra Shepard)
Published: 2012-06-15 03:06:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 2646; Favourites: 30; Downloads: 0
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Terra Shepard: Requiem
Terra Shepard glances at her surroundings, eyes doing a tactical sweep. She turns back to the gorgeous asari draped on her arm. "Why am I doing this again?"
Liara T'Soni-Shepard gives her arm an affectionate squeeze. "Because Doctor Chakwas and Kelly both agree that you need to do this." She takes Terra's hand and places it at the growing bulge at her stomach, "For her if not for yourself."
Terra sighs inwardly as they make their way into a newly reconstructed part of the Citadel. Lush foliage from all corners of the galaxy surrounds the entrance to the memorial garden. She stops dead in her tracks in the doorway. "I really don't want to do this. I wish you all would stop worrying about me."
"Shepard….You haven't taken any time to grieve for those lost in the war. You may put up emotional barriers, but you can't hide the truth from me. You're scared. You don't want to face your grief because you're afraid." She gently pulls on her arm, taking her over the threshold, into the lush vibrant garden within. Terra notices the glowing blue flowers from Thessia, the green blossoms from Tuchanka, even the lilies and roses from Earth. She gives a low whistle. "They really went all out on this place, didn't they."
Liara nods appreciatively. "The plants were really just the afterthought." She points at a statue erected among the flowers from Thessia. "These are the main point of the memorial garden. Anderson and the Council all made it their top priority to design this place."
Terra glances at the statue and her eyes widen. Matriarch Benezia's sharp features look down on her with a determined look. Her beautiful features forever forged in light. Shepard turns to Liara. "You knew about this?"
She nods slowly, her eyes never wavering from her mother's statue. "Councilor Tevos asked my permission to put her here. Remembering not for her part in Saren's rebellion, but for all the amazing work she did before then." A tear falls down the side of her light blue cheek. Terra wraps her arm around her, pulling her close. "I'm sorry sweetie. I know this must be difficult."
Liara brushes away the tear and returns the embrace. "I'm fine Terra, but my mother is not why we're here." She leads Terra down the path towards the center of the garden. A gorgeous monument rests in the center. Four people stand forever in a silent vigil over the garden. Terra's mind goes blank at the sight. Tears start to well in her eyes. "My god….." She puts a hand over her mouth, to stifle a small sob. Liara's hand squeezes hers, showing that she's not going to face this alone.
On the far left, facing west, stands Legion, the hologram showing all the intricate workings of the soldier. His customized Widow rests in one hand, the other resting by his side. A mound of flowers from Rannoch lie at his feet. A plaque rests amidst the flowers reading: Kee'lah Selai…..Legion Vas Normandy.
Next to Legion, facing south, sits Professor Mordin Solus. The salarian stands with a calculating expression as if he's running an experiment. The battered, bronzed plaque at his feet is engraved with the names of dozens of Krogan, with one phrase in the center: A True Friend to the Krogan.
Terra's eyes are awash with tears, blurring her vision. Liara gently guides her to the next holo-statue, facing the east. Thane Krios sits cross-legged, hands clasped in prayer, his dark black eyes closed. An intricately-designed plaque from Sur'Kesh reads: Kalahira, Guide This One Across the Sea.
Liara nudges her. "Councilor Valern made a special request that Thane be included here. He will never forget what Thane did for him that day." Shepard tries to speak, "I can't beli----"
Terra's words die in her throat as she sees the final hologram. Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko stands proudly, clad in his Alliance armor, blue light swirling around his hands. The look on his face shows his kind eyes and his stalwart determination. Terra stumbles backwards onto a bench, never taking her eyes off of the memorial. The plaque reads: In honor of Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko, the Hero of Virmire. Beloved Son. Brave Warrior. Dear Friend.
Terra breaks down into fits of sobs and tears. Liara holds her tight as Terra sobs uncontrollably into her neck. "I know Terra, shhh, it's going to be alright. Just let it all out. The galaxy doesn't rest on your shoulders anymore. Remember those who we've lost to bring us this peace."
Terra is barely able to form words. "So many……*sob*…..died because of me….*sob*….why?"
Liara gives her a gentle kiss to the cheek. "They died fighting for what they believed in. They believed in you. Their deaths are not your fault. Any one of us would have given our lives to stop the Reapers. But don't for a moment, think they would want you to blame yourself for their deaths.
Terra continues to cry in Liara's arms. But she is able to get out one sentence. "…..*hic*….I love you Liara."
Liara takes Terra's face in her hands, raising it to hers. She looks into those sad, blue eyes filled to the brim with tears. She brushes the reddish bangs away from her eyes, "…and I love you…..always.." and kisses her.
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Comments: 50
This was an interesting piece to critique, though it's always difficult to gauge just how critical one should be of something of this sort of length.
First of all, the quality of writing is very good. The presentation was polished, with no errors and a good flow. I know some of my earlier criticisms have been levelled at your use (perhaps overuse at times) of short, punchy sentences that can create something of a jerky rhythm but for the most part, you avoid that pitfall. There are still some cases where two sentences could have been combined, for example:
"Lush foliage from all corners of the galaxy surrounds the entrance to the memorial garden. She stops dead in her tracks in the doorway." - a 'but' could have been worked in between those sentences, smoothing the flow a little.
"Matriarch Benezia's sharp features look down on her with a determined look. Her beautiful features forever forged in light." - a comma would've been much more appropriate in linking those two passages.
I believe I see what you're going for; a series of sharp, meaningful words used as a hammer blow but used too often and it can just end up sounding abrupt.
Detail is also somewhat inconsistent. Your vivid descriptions of the flowers and holograms were fantastic, the latter cleverly tapping into an ME fan's knowledge of the characters to create the image, such as:
"Next to Legion, facing south, sits Professor Mordin Solus. The salarian stands with a calculating expression as if he's running an experiment." - that is the image of Mordin, forever etched into our minds and it feels like it's been plucked right out of there, so kudos for that.
However, I couldn't help but wonder about some other details that were omitted. Was Shepard and Liara alone for the memorial? If not, how many people were there? How did they react to Shepard being present? If alone, did the quiet atmosphere add to the sense of emotion? It's worth seeding little details all the way through the story as you go along, constantly keeping the reader in the picture. Small things are what big pictures are made of, after all.
One thing you do very well is dialogue and I'm glad to say that's very much intact throughout. All the way through, you provide a meaningful side to Shepard's character, from her reluctance to face those that died, even bringing out the reasons for that through her interactions with Liara. Almost everything is done via dialogue, which is pretty tough to do. As such, their speech is dynamic and drives the story along splendidly.
I must say, however, that these sentences broke my immersion a bit:
""So many……*sob*…..died because of me….*sob*….why?""
""…..*hic*….I love you Liara.""
These 'sobs' and 'hics' basically look and sound like spoken words. Anything held within quote marks is spoken by the character - any sounds they make needs to be properly explained outside of dialogue. All it takes is a couple of words, like: "So many," she sobbed, "so many died because of me..." The 'hic' in that second sentence isn't even necessary; we already know Shepard is crying.
One last niggle - for Thane's memorial you state the plaque was made in Sur'Kesh. At first I was thinking 'wouldn't Kahje more appropriate?', until I realised the salarian councillor had commissioned it. I'd think about clarifying that a little more clearly, just to be safe.
Well, all that said, it was still a very good piece of writing. The feeling is there and all the boxes are ticked to make it a poignant and emotional scene, but those couple of sentences there near the end bring the overall impact down a notch. With a little re-working, however, and perhaps a little more atmospheric detail and you'll be looking at a winner!
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Greatly moving memorial for the people who helped bring peace to the galaxy. Next up, Commander Shepard.
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Thanks! I appreciate it!
I tried to come up with a fitting way of remembering our fallen.
Had the idea that each part was designed by a different race (i.e. Salarians for Thane, Quarians for Legion.)
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Great beginging. It's powerful, moving and beautiful, but I would have like to see a statue of Anderson included.
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I actually let Anderson stay alive for these. (Trying to disregard the travesty of an ending they gave us.) But thanks! These are all going to be stand-alone shorts for other people's Shepards. A way to give back to my supporters.
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Ah, I actually wouldn't have minded Anderson dying, even if he did die the way he did in the game (granted I'm writing a fanfic ending myself using IT, in which he dies firing the crucible). To me Anderson dying is almost essential; Anderson is Shepard's mentor. In literature, often times, the mentor dies aiding the protege in fulfilling their goals. Had everything after Anderson's death been changed to Shepard firing the Crucible and the fleets decimating the Reapers, then including an epilogue, I think the ending would have been awesome.
That's just my two cents. Your perfect game is just as valid.
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True, I understand that. I just felt there was so much more could be done with Anderson. In my new project Lineage, I have him marrying Kahlee Sanders and having a son, Nicholas. Wanted him to have the opportunity to have a life outside of war. A chance to settle down and whatnot.
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That sounds like a good read. Honestly, what I imagined for Kahlee involved the Council and Samantha Traynor.
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I've read the books from the series. It revolves around Anderson and Kahlee. You really get the feeling that you want to see them together. They even hint at it....a lot!
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They flat out state it, but I don't see Anderson retiring happily. Remember what he was like in the second game.
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That may be, but I wanted to give that to him. He, of all people, deserves it.
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You're welcome!
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Good work with this. If this were to happen in my Mass Effect universe: Kaiden, Jacob, Thane, Jack & Mordin would be the honoured ones. I haven't played Mass Effect 3 yet, though I know most of the storyline, so there could be more additions.
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Oh dear! You lost a lot of people before ME3. 
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Yeah, well, at least I didn't lose Garrus or Tali. They're my faves, and Liara, who is my most fave. I didn't really care for Kaiden, Jacob or Jack. I kinda felt upset when Thane died, being carried away by a seeker swarm. I didn't even see Mordin die, I only realised that he died after the game.
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Well the thing is you're gonna miss out on some of the most heart-wrenching scenes in ME3.
Mordin's and Thane's scenes bring me close to tears every time.
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Damn. Though, I think I'm going to be more worrying about whether Liara lives or not.
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That's the one person you don't have to worry about....everyone else....yes worry
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Mainly Shepard, going by what I've read, and heard from a friend who has completed the game.
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You're very welcome ^^
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I hate that Legion, Mordin and Thane had to die. Strangely, I never really cared for Kaiden. He seemed to annoy me constantly. LOL.
You did a splendid job portraying the emotions in this story. It just seems that you are getting better and better at writing these (and you were amazing to begin with).
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It really took me awhile to describe it the way I wanted it to. Since they were the main casualties, I wanted to do something special for our fallen heroes. Had a different race be in charge of each person (Krogan for mordin's, etc.)
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That was very touching! Loved it. I can totally picture Shep not dealing with the losses until she's forced to.
You captured the emotions perfectly, and the phrases on the plaques were perfect.
Loved it!!!
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Aww thanks!
I kinda took out all the stops on this one.
My thoughts were that a particular race designed each part of the memorial: Quarians and Geth for Legion, Krogan for Mordin, Salarians for Thane, and Alliance for Kaiden. It took almost two days to come up with the proper phrases for those plaques
Thanks again, I'm so happy you liked it.
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This is brilliant and a nice touch to the characters we all have grown to love so much. Great work!
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Quarians designed Legion's part,
Krogans for Mordin
Salarians for Thane
and Alliance for Kaiden.
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Agreed, it was a great way to honor the dead...well fictionally speaking
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So much better than the wall on the normandy
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Oh I totally agree but the fact that Bioware put that in there as a memorial was cool.
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true....doesn't entirely reflect who dies though, like Kelly's name doesn't show up if she dies.
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Well that's lame but Kelly in my game lives.
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yeah she died my first time through, didn't happen again
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Yeah took me a playthrough to realize to save her you have to immediately go after your team in ME2.
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oh no i meant ME3, she never died in two for me
If you don't make her change her identity, Cerberus puts a bullet in her head
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ah my bad...that I did know about ME3 but didn't do the right things in ME2 to see her in 3. But this playthrough I did.
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Sweet! Not that war assets matter in the long run lol...way to go Bioware.
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You did an amazing job! I'm crying right now. You captured Liara and Terra's relationship perfectly. This is the best gift i've ever gotten, thank you!
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Thank you, good sir. Bioware may have done their best to invalidate the sacrifices of these characters, but the fanfic writers such as you will never forget their contribution to the mass effect story and everything they've done.
Beautifully written, and those were good choices for the statue images. It was so hard to say good bye to those characters, and I still tear up over their deaths.
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Many, many thanks! Yes I feel the same way over their deaths.
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