on2urgame [2013-03-05 17:55:27 +0000 UTC]

Sorry for not being as concise and with it as to not needed 2 posts. I did like the twist, though I saw it coming from far off. Perhaps it is the wording in which we use or more specifically the lack of wording theat serves as a clue.
It is my opinion that we as a society have not experienced enough women as superiors to get ourselves to take for granted that supervisory positions are not gender specific. There is a riddle dealing with a child 2 parents a surgeon and a car accident that illustrates this very well indeed. Really the answer to the 2nd in entirely up to you.
The imagery was more than adequate IMOSHO.
How about Hopscotch?

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on2urgame [2013-03-05 17:33:21 +0000 UTC]

nice twist into a neat little bow!

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Vagabond24-7 [2013-03-03 00:59:20 +0000 UTC]

I saw the Boss as a man.

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amamortuum [2013-02-27 07:07:19 +0000 UTC]

That awkward moment when your aunt is named Vivian Schmidt...

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UltimaMage578 [2013-02-27 05:48:39 +0000 UTC]

I think there are some parts where a woman can play the boss, and some parts where a man can, but I think a man would fit way better.

I would like to know why religion has such a tie to the story. It seems like... cult mystery murder.

I love the twist, really.

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sbclover [2013-02-27 05:09:55 +0000 UTC]

I really like this piece though I felt like when you included a (beat) it just made things awkward, at least for me reading it. I couldn't imagine it in some places, but maybe that's because I'm reading this and not seeing how you would want it acted out. The twist at the end... I can't say I expected it, but it doesn't seem far-fetched, no.

I think that the Boss could be played as a man or a woman. I imagined at first as a man, because of the club weilding and how they spoke with authority, but when you asked what gender, I could also imagine them as a woman during the part where the Man is being interrogated. I think most people see boss-types as men though, (at least, from my experience) and that would fit this role overall the best.

I think that the audience needs to know a /bit/ more about these 'subversives' and /why/ the people in charge hate don' like them so. At least hint at what they have done, or have some greater overlying authority mentioned that could be the person who wanted these subversives investigated.

I think you did just fine with fitting in the religion; like it is stated later in the scene, it gives her something to fall back on when nothing else is working out/she is in a difficult situation-her faith. She uses it as a way of defining who she is, not some religious nut who is trying to force it on others (something I personally find really annoying when that is done to me). The phrases she uses also fit in nicely with the context and work effectively as what she means to say-she doesn't have to explain or add on.

I agree with what Caity-Kitten said:
__I think you should involve the word “crack” at the very beginning of this. Right off the bat have the woman say that word, use it in a tense that’s going to hurt the man without her realizing what she is doing, give a little foreshadowing because I felt the whole “crack” thing was just suddenly thrown in there, I think that word should be mentioned at least once before.__
I feel like that was just thrown in there and while it does work as a good transition for the twist, maybe hint that it is coming or tie it in more with the story.

I also liked how there wasn't one main character-the POV/focus shifted from character to character with the Woman at the beginning, Man towards the middle and end, and the last bit with Boss. You did a good job of defining each character and giving them their own personality.

Heh, anyway, I did like this and it caught my attention that it was a screenplay-I've never come across one on DA before, though I do enjoy reading them. Sorry this review is so long, but I hope it helped if you are still changing piece

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Attempts-At-Normalcy [2013-02-27 04:35:34 +0000 UTC]

1. No it’s incredible
2. A man. I imagine that the man would share more with another man…
3. Why they are fighting and interrogating the subversives…
4. Yes. It makes for a very mysterious yet inspiring essence to the script.
5. No, I like subversives because it draws attention to that word which isn’t exactly emphasized.

fabulous. congratulations on the DD!

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DJChocolate-Lover [2013-02-27 04:23:35 +0000 UTC]

Wow that's quite interesting, I would love to see it played out.

1) I think on some level I expected it, but not very strongly because it still came as a mild surprise.
2) I kinda see Boss as androgynous so that they appear to the person as the person needs to perceive them. So when they're nice to woman she might perceive them as more feminine.
3) None that spring to mind immediately
4) Yes I kinda like it, and the stark contrast between the characters is very nice, so you can sort of side with who appeals to you more as a person.
5) Crack or even cracks could possibly work as a piece because the narrative shows the weaknesses in man and woman creating and showing the cracks in their demeanour.

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skylordamelia [2013-02-27 04:06:47 +0000 UTC]

1. The twist at the end is perfect. I can think of almost nothing that could be better.
2. I think of the BOSS as a man, maybe older and more deep-toned voiced person than the MAN.
3. I would have liked a bit more of a back story on the MAN's wife. We only know that she died of the crack...maybe a bit more in depth explanation on the MAN's and her relationship?
4. The religious imagery does strengthen the story tremendously. If you were to add more though, it may become annoying, or as you describe it, burdensome. I absolutely love how the BOSS is involved in religion too, with the line at the end. That was a shocker for me when I read it.
5. Erm...I guess you can go with whichever one. It doesn't seem bad.

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spoems [2013-02-27 04:06:09 +0000 UTC]

Truly enthralling work.

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SmilingHarrySyphilis [2013-02-27 03:59:06 +0000 UTC]

1) I'd call it far-fetched, but it's not obvious that the 'subversives' are that because they are religious.
2) The boss could be either.
3) The mystery I'd like explained is what the subversion is. Also, to have some idea how old MAN was when his mother died.
4) Liked the imagery, and the way she turns it on MAN.
5) How about Man, Woman, Boss, Crack? Although, having crack in the title might be a bit too foreshadowy. "Would You Crack?" would have the audience thinking mentally until MAN tells about his mother.

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gnomesandunicorns [2013-02-27 02:26:14 +0000 UTC]

the twist was wonderful!

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xMJJMoonwalker [2013-02-27 02:15:10 +0000 UTC]

First of all, I really like this! I would like to know more about these people and what exactly is going on. It's... mysterious.
1. I didn't see it coming, but I like it.
2. I envisioned BOSS as a female. Kind of like the woman in Wreck-It Ralph, I can't remember her name, the one from the shooting game.
3. Again, I would like to know more about the situation. I really enjoy the drama, but I have no idea what's going on here. I'm curious about it.
4. I like it. It makes this more realistic, gives it depth.
5. I am not at all good at titles, so I won't say either way because it'll probably make it worse XD

Overall, awesome job.

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pearwood [2013-02-27 02:04:27 +0000 UTC]

1. The twist at the end fits perfectly, we almost see it coming.

2. A man, or an extremely masculine woman. BOSS and MAN interact in a male on male fashion. I don't think a woman would fit. With our stereotypes, we would think that "she" weakened at the end.

3. Just enough information. The backstory fills itself in. Granted, I know enough history to know that Christians have often been considered -- indeed, have considered themselves -- subversives.

4. The religious imagery is at the heart of the story. It's just right.

5. The title is excellent as is, especially as BOSS shows himself to be among them. The alternative is flat, pedantic.

WOMAN is the strongest character. There is nothing weak about her or her faith. BOSS is right up there, though, with the double agent role he is playing.

Very, very well done.

Blessings,
Steve

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creampuffluvr [2013-02-27 01:51:12 +0000 UTC]

I prefer the title as is, but that's just me.
I envisioned the BOSS as a man.
The religious imagery seemed fine to me. The women being unwavering when it comes to her faith.

*must re-read*

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BlackKingofNight [2013-02-27 01:08:25 +0000 UTC]

0.0 Interogation would be better and the Boss should be played by a man. The whole thing is a tad odd but cool and I'd love a sequel. AS FOR 4, You did great.

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Quilsnap [2013-02-26 22:28:28 +0000 UTC]

2. I imagine boss as a man, and feel making boss a woman might make the twist at the end (and the softer mannerisms) give it a sexist slant. not necessarily a bad thing.
3. the mysteries seem well balanced enough
4. the religious imagery is a bit vague, and I'd like to see a specific or two more to hold my attention.
5. crack would probably tie it together better, though the gender names are more intriguing

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rebel28 [2013-02-26 21:27:46 +0000 UTC]

1. I love twists.

2. Not sure how much it matters, but I think the boss should be played by a man because it brings an equality into the the personalities and genders. (Two calculating women and one aggressive guy will seem a bit stereotyped)

3. Maybe a bit of background on the subversive/enemy thing. (Maybe)

4. I liked it, gives the whole situation an image of unbreaking faith, whether it is real or not.

5. I prefer the title "Subversives" because it covers the whole situation and scenario rather than a single character or subject.

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Storm-Cwalker [2013-02-26 21:23:17 +0000 UTC]

1) Isn't it a bit contradicting? considering he is getting her beat up?
2)Man-more fitting
3)none really
4)effective
5)"Crack" is a good title, fits the theme in two ways

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Storm-Cwalker [2013-02-26 21:21:32 +0000 UTC]

whats with the "(beat)", what does that mean?

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curlscat [2013-02-26 21:05:05 +0000 UTC]

1) I only expected it because I read the questions first.

2) I saw a man in my head as I was reading this. May just be because of the way of the world, though.

3) None, in my opinion.

4) It's effective.

5) Subversives works best, I feel.

Very nice job, completely deserving of the DD.

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DeathWhisperer [2013-02-26 19:42:28 +0000 UTC]

1. Interesting twist, I think it's just right, not too expected
2. I think a man would best fit the role of BOSS for the reasons others have stated previously.
3.I agree with Hilland-Rose, the back story needs a little more clarification, let us in on what happened and why.
4. I thought it was a little repetitive, but I think it was necessary in a way, so I'd leave just as it is.
5. I would say Crack definitely fits better and makes it intriguing, I also agree with the first commenter though, if you introduced it a little earlier I think it would create a balance and maintain a certain consistency which would make it flow better.

I also have a few more comments which I will add soon, hopefully.

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Hiland-Rose [2013-02-26 18:15:40 +0000 UTC]

1 Not so far fetched but I had a suspicion it was coming.

2 Woman, the role is very calculated and un-attatched emotionally to the situation.

3 Why are Subversives being taken, what's the back story, I think there needs to be a little bit more information about the setting of the conversation, we are walking blind into the middle of a situation.

4 I think you use it well.

5 Crack is interesting.

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Sagittarianism [2013-02-26 15:26:46 +0000 UTC]

Why doesn't this piece have more comments?
Anyway, I like this. I think BOSS should be a man; it seems more fitting. You'd think that if the BOSS was played by a woman, she would sound more tender and understanding toward WOMAN and wouldn't press her to answer any questions at all, and perhaps that might make the play longer and too arduous to read. But BOSS as a man, makes total sense and it would give MAN a believable reason to obey his higher-up so readily.
I like the idea of "Crack" as the title, although I think an exclamation point at the end (calling it "Crack!") would make more sense and would not take away from the real meaning of the crack/cocaine incident at the end. In short, when you called the play "Crack", people today will automatically think "drugs", but with the "Crack!" title, it can have that double meaning that you want.
I liked the twist at the end. It wasn't too predictable, but one can see that BOSS had sympathized somewhat with the woman, so the ending is pretty credible, in my opinion.

I really enjoyed reading this. Made me realize that I'm not the only one who writes skits and plays.
If you like and understand Shakespeare's plays, then maybe you could find the time to read my Shakespearean-style comedy "Love's Sweet Symphony": [link] <-- first act
If not, that's okay.
But I would like someone's opinion on the language and if it seems humorous enough. So maybe you could recommend someone who's into that kind of thing.

Anyway, congrats on the DD! Very well-deserved! And it's refreshing to see a play or skit as a DD; people seem to like suggesting visual art more often than writing. That makes me sad.

I hope to see this as a video someday; it would be cool to see how the actors would play up their parts.

(Somehow, I see Liev Schreiber as MAN. Joy Bryant or Jennifer Hudson as WOMAN. And perhaps Russell Crowe as BOSS. Don't ask; I don't know. )

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Lintu47 [2013-02-26 13:09:19 +0000 UTC]

Congrats on the well deserved DD!
Have a nice day!

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spiritwinned [2013-02-26 09:14:19 +0000 UTC]

2. I like the boss as a man. Maybe it's because of social stigmas and stuff, but it makes his ability to really exercise authority over Man in this kind of setting more believable. It also avoids the idea that all of the subversives are women (Woman, Heidi, Nikita, Mrs. Schmidt, etc.)

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neurotype-on-discord [2013-02-26 08:06:18 +0000 UTC]

I love how much this doesn't say.

Keep the current title.

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DarkestCornersLIT [2011-05-16 19:41:13 +0000 UTC]

hi there
you've been featured in the latest issue of Darkest Corners Lit: Scripts and Screenplays
please the article to help us spread the word around.

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Caity-Kitten [2010-08-06 23:35:44 +0000 UTC]

I’m going to warn you this is extremely long….


I like that you’ve given a small outline of your three characters, something that has demands but is loose so as to allow many actors to play the parts. I also like how you’ve outlined the stage and given us a look on the mood before it starts. It’s very professionally done. I also love how we jmp right into the action and I can almost imagine their strong voice filling the theatre and causing a few sleeping people to jump suddenly.

This line is simply fantastic: “Rumor has it, you know, that he forgot to put batteries in his hearing aid. The old fool.” And so are many others by “MAN” he’s obviously smart, but ignorant and you get this across very well. You also get across that he’s a bit controlling of others, but can’t control himself sometimes. His character is very believable.

I really like the comparison between MAN and Woman, while the omwan really hasn’t said much up to the point that I’m reading (it’s mostly back and fourth, MAN cutting her off) we can get a sense of her character. She is passionate, kind, quiet, but strong willed and has faith, no matter how many times MAN knocks her down, she’s going to keep getting back up, shes strong and independent. Also a very believable character, and an interesting match up between the two. Very believe back and fourth.

I like when the man gets defensive here: “Hey! I ask the questions around here, not you. You got that?” the woman asks a simple question, and he can’t really think of an intelligent answer so he just shouts at her and tries to make her sound wrong. I would potentially have said “nice comeback” with heavy sarcasm if I had heard this in real life, very believable.

Sow hile I’ve read very little of this you’ve set the stage so well, your characters are formed we have a sense of who they are, we don’t know their background, their secrets, or anything but they both have distinct personalities, and they aren’t overdeveloped either.

I like the change in pace here: “(MAN rubs his neck, scratches his nose and picks up the overturned chair. MAN helps WOMAN to her feet, seats her down in the chair and unlocks her handcuffs.)” and how you’ve minimilized stage directions to allow the actors to improve a lot and let the characters be mor realistic, rather than acting like robots.

I like that it goes off in a different direction than I thought, I can see it forming together and it would really keep an audience entertained and intrigued. When the boss comes in a like how his character is also very different, I can see this person almost slinking around.


Okay now I’m going to finish and give you an overall critique…


I think you should involve the word “crack” at the very beginning of this. Right off the bat have the woman say that word, use it in a tense that’s going to hurt the man without her realizing what she is doing, give a little foreshadowing because I felt the whole “crack” thing was just suddenly thrown in there, I think that word should be mentioned at least once before.

I really like the twist at the end, I honestly didn’t really see it coming I figured these people might have the same attitude. I think the boss should be male, and I’m saying this to separate him from the woman that are obviously involved. I also think it makes a nice comparison between BOSS and MAN, because BOSS is a more similar character to WOMAN and I think it would be better as a man, though, it could be a woman to, so I’d leave it open but I think a man would fit more nicely into this.

I like the religious stuff that’s been involved. Speaking from the point of view of somebody who wasn’t raised going to church every Sunday, I don’t know much and I feel like it wasn’t lesson about god hidden in a play, which seems to happen sometimes and I find it rather annoying, whereas this felt it was jstu that character, while it had a bit of a lesson in it, it was a story not so much something to make the readers, audience believers.

I’m just a little bit confused abut the whole crime thing that went on, its mystery is nice, but it would be nice to have a little background information, perhaps you could have a monologue somewhere with either MAN or BOSS telling us the thoughts on the case that would reveal some things to say, to let us know whats going on a little bit more, because I felt my attention stray during that part.

I’m not going to lie, I’m not to into that title. I think you should come up with something more creative something perhaps like “Crack” that wouldn’t make sense until the end, and you could keep the script as is so at the mention of crack the title makes sense, of course that’s just a suggestion, but I would go with something a little more concrete, I feel that that title would get lost.

Anyways, I really enjoyed this, I would love to see it actually acted out the characters are so prominent in writing I would love to see what some actors would do with this, it would be a great piece for amateurs or professionals. It’s written well, the story is well thought out and it captured me from beginning till end. I was satisfied with the ending as wel. Awesome job.


From the founder of #The-Writers-Review

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