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Published: 2006-07-06 05:29:32 +0000 UTC; Views: 160; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 8
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Description
The Story.Tuko is a fairly young girl (16) who works hard to manage here every day like in southern Korea.
This was her last year as a Korean resident, her father, Talim, after devoicing her mother decided that it would be best to move to the united states for better work and new opportunity. He now works at a restaurant called “flying dragon buffet” weather or not this was his dream come true depends on the opinion of the person overlooking his life and how he lives it. Although he does not earn much he is happy living his simple everyday life in the America's.
Over the last few years of Tuko's life she has sharpened her English to finish her schooling in the united states as agreed by her parents weather or not she agreed to it. Although she has to start her life over in a new place, a new world perhaps, she does not dislike it nor like it she just does as her parents ask without a shred of disobedience.
In current world news a group called “zieneth” has appeared. They appear to call out peace but remain isolated from others affairs. They are not taken very seriously but the amount of money they have been spending to get their message around is fanaminal. According to the news broadcasting they spent over 952 trillion won (SKW)((thats about 1 trillion USD)) on advertising their speeches alone. Their message seems clear but confusing. They want 10,000 people to enter their new society. This has made several nations, particularly China and the United States worry and send investigations on the matter of “potential terrorists”. The group has yet to do anything besides ask for people to move to their new nation, the major problem is that they wont tell where they are located. Although this is in world news people just seem to laugh at it and mock it as they go about their lives.
The rest of the world is more concerned about recent storms ceasing damage to property in several coastal area's around the pacific ocean.
Tuko is going to the United States in less than 2 months and this is where the story will begin.
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Comments: 22
Shivasoul [2006-09-01 11:10:33 +0000 UTC]
this should be a novel comic i think. but what the hell is with the money! you did get people's attention like you wanted but isnt that a bit much for advertising its worse than microsoft xbox
anyway apart from your very clear weakness in grammer i have nothing else to say. its a good intro, above average work, nothing special, but not typically common either. you could use a bit more description, but this is satisfactory
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
sarenokai In reply to Shivasoul [2006-09-02 00:42:44 +0000 UTC]
lol worse than microsoft xbox ive had this story locked away for a good 2 years so its pretty rusty and needs some work.
yes my grammer sucks lol
a bit more description, please expalin a little more in depth please ide love some positive critisizm
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Shivasoul In reply to sarenokai [2006-09-02 05:42:19 +0000 UTC]
you're only asking this off me? very well...
your story doesnt pick up at the best of starts, but it was mildly interesting for me to take a look at it and continue reading until the end. your lack of decription of the environments meant that your story went straight to the point quickly switching from scene to scene; while this keeps the readers from actual boredom, you're preventing them from actually knowing much. too much description can ruin a story but descrption of the right amount can show you what is affecting any number of characters in the story. So apart from your grammer this is your key weak point and you need to focus on it more.
your plot is an interesting one, not very common among the things ive read, and yet at first it doesnt turn out to be something special. it says "stay and listen to my story, but you can leave if you wish" it doesnt pull the reader in but merely offers a good read for those looking.
so yeah, what im saying is that this is a good story, if you compared this to a house, this would be that you've got a poorly planned blue print and need to hire an architech to refine your design for you. Its only a little rough around the edges, but its a working progress, you'll improve as you continue to write this story, but i suggest a character page first before you enter into the story, it would help readers know who you are talking about. and add any new character pages as you go along when new key characters enter the life of your story.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
sarenokai In reply to Shivasoul [2006-09-02 18:32:28 +0000 UTC]
ah ok.. i understand. so just to get to the basic point i need to give more details of the enviorment and slow my story down a bit. not to mention get somone to proof read for grammer lol.
thanks for the critique, i think that will help in the long run.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Shivasoul In reply to sarenokai [2006-09-02 18:36:41 +0000 UTC]
yeah you got it spot on but why did you ask me only for a proper critique...i didnt see you asking anyone else in the comments
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sarenokai In reply to Shivasoul [2006-09-03 05:17:31 +0000 UTC]
i did but no one said anything lol
you just seemed more interested and i wanted more clearity
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Shivasoul In reply to sarenokai [2006-09-03 10:31:46 +0000 UTC]
am i the only one in DA who will properly comment on small time artists work like us
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Tsuyoi47 [2006-07-23 04:07:40 +0000 UTC]
Great all I to say is keep up that research I don't know much about Korean names just Hworang from Tekken and Moo Yung Yun from Tae Kwon Do
In my personal opinion Talim (the teenage wind girl in soul calibur) does not seem very Korean or a name that fits her father and give a reason why the parents were divorced perhaps he worked and left his wife to take care of Tuko (example).
thats what comes to mind for my suggestions and critiques.
But its a great story how you added the korean currency in the story that will catch the eye of quite a few people it did me ^_^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
sarenokai In reply to Tsuyoi47 [2006-07-23 05:23:05 +0000 UTC]
the names are korean lol
talim is just a name that i really liked and feel like it could suit my character
thanks for the critique
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Tsuyoi47 In reply to sarenokai [2006-08-08 16:38:52 +0000 UTC]
oh thats cool then so what is his last name
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sarenokai In reply to Someelf [2006-07-12 15:46:23 +0000 UTC]
thank you i will go on and eventually make it into a comic thanks a lot for the fav
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Someelf In reply to sarenokai [2006-07-13 13:21:43 +0000 UTC]
Your welcome! And notify me if you do so I will be your number one fan
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
flynfreako [2006-07-06 21:38:32 +0000 UTC]
D: it sounds really interesting!! i wonder how tuko is going to be involved with all of this @.@
i can't see anything to critique in that... except the spelling and stuff
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
rukiaprincess [2006-07-06 16:07:03 +0000 UTC]
Awesome! I can't wait to read more about this girl. Seems very very interesting!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Dofthemaze [2006-07-06 13:14:32 +0000 UTC]
so nice^^
(is the first time I real something written by you!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
sarenokai In reply to Dofthemaze [2006-07-06 16:50:31 +0000 UTC]
yep well ill make it into a comic in the near future but i just dont know how everything is going to unfold
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Dofthemaze In reply to sarenokai [2006-07-06 18:21:13 +0000 UTC]
ooooooook I´ll be waiting 4!^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 0