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SavvyRed — How to Tell if a Guy is Gay
#comingout #gay #gayboy #gayman #gblt #homosexual #homosexuality #lgbt #pride #queer #queers #rainbow #rainbows #stereotypes #stereotypical #coming_out #howtotellifaguyisgay #gay_man #gay_boy #coming_out_of_the_closet
Published: 2016-03-08 03:20:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 5871; Favourites: 32; Downloads: 3
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... and you probably shouldn't ask him if he's gay just out of the blue. That's rude.Related content
Comments: 31
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A really mautre work. Thanks for making this! 
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Thank you so much!
I used to tutor at an inner city school, and the co-workers who were straight went to a restaurant with me. They got drunk and kept insisting that one of our bosses was gay because he had braces and a lisp. I told them I didn't think so, and even if he was gay, I would have no way of telling. They knew I was pansexual, and they told me, "You of all people should know better!" Instead of trusting my advice as someone who had experience in the LGBT community, they were scolding me for not having some sort of gaydar (even though they didn't use that word). One really drunk co-worker started him a "queer," using that a slur. We had two lesbian co-workers who were not there at the moment, one of whom was very beloved by my co-workers. One of my straight co-workers got offended started saying, "Hey, don't say that! What if [insert lesbian co-worker's name] was here?"
What the hell? So it was OK to be homophobic in front of me, a pansexual, but not in front of a lesbian? Am I just some kind of watered-down version of lesbian and not gay enough for them to stop using discriminatory language and ignorance in front of? I'm not good enough to be treated like a queer person? I'm some kind of light version of gay --- queer enough to like women and genderqueer people but not queer enough to respect because I like cisgender men as well?
Argh!
That's what inspired me to write this. There are plenty of cisgender straight people who are accused of being gay because they fit stereotypes. I've seen it before, and it's not fair to call someone gay if they don't identify that way.
I'm actually kind of glad I'm not working with these people anymore now that I think about it. Thank you for being supportive. It can be hard to deal with ignorant people sometimes.
- S.
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You're very welcome!
What a good that you got far away from those people: their behaivor was really childish and stupid.
A big pleasure to talk with you again!
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Thanks!
I swear, the first day that I had a roommate, she came in piss drunk that night after getting drink after drink in a bar from a man she had never met before, and her friends abandoned her on the bed. I took care of her. She was throwing up everywhere, and somehow her clothes fell off. I tried to clean up the room as much as I could and leave extra money for the cleaning lady. She made me promise not to tell anyone, but I accidentally told our boss what happened. She was very mad. Even though she had always told me to talk about my personal stuff to the bosses and staff, she never wanted any of her dirty laundry made public. She started saying how she didn't want the kids to know because she was trying to be a role model. Well, you can't be a role model if what you're doing is wrong. That's the whole point of being a role model. None of my co-workers backed me up. They all took her side. One of them was telling me how everyone in college does it. I told him that I went to college and didn't drink, but I guess I didn't count. The co-workers insisted everyone does that, and when I said I never did that, they discounted me again as if I were some kind of goody-two-shoes freak of nature. They were also saying the whole college defense, and I got really mad and told them "WE'RE NOT IN COLLEGE ANYMORE!!" I understand why my roommate would be upset in that I had broken a promise and made her look bad in front of the boss, but the things they said to me were so stupid and immature that it made me mad. In fact, even though my roommate did say some messed up stuff, the other co-workers were the ones who were the worst.
She was diabetic, and the morning afterward she drank too much she got sick and had to take the day off. I don't know why she wasn't putting two and two together and realizing that she could have died. She was mad at me, but I was the one who helped her out, not her so-called friends who just left her there. I stayed with her. I tried to put her clothes back on. I tried to get her to direct her vomiting to the garbage can even though she always missed it. I did everything I could to help her. When she was sick and throwing up, she kept saying how I was a great roommate and that I didn't deserve to have to deal with this. And I never complained about it or panicked, not even once, until I told her that I accidentally told our boss, but I gets it all hit the fan by then.
She eventually forgave me, and I forgave her, but it's hard not to remember it as such a negative experience.
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Mind if I share this with everywhere?
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Or he does gay things. And by gay things I mean he's blatantly acting gay, like hitting on men only, dating them, and being married to one.
He doesn't have to announce it is all I'm saying.
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Many bisexuals, pansexuals, polysexuals, and other multisexual men flirt with other men, date men, and/or get married to a man. It does not mean they are gay. They may identify however they please. Some multisexual men just happen to never have dated a woman or person of other or no genders. I myself am a pansexual woman and have never had a girlfriend before. That doesn't mean I'm not attracted to women or trans* people or intersex people, etc. I'm just not very good with women. I get intimidated very easily.
And if I were to marry a woman, that wouldn't make me a lesbian. It would just be a part of being pansexual. I am the admin of a group on dA called Love Sees No Gender . If you're interested, you can browse through it and maybe learn something new about the LGBT community. I have a glossary of terms, although it is far from complete. I'm hoping that one day I will have enough time to launch a website called Love Sees No Gender and have more information and resources there.
No, a man does not need to announce that he is gay to be gay. The question wasn't "Is he gay?"; it was "How do you know a guy is gay?" And the answer wasn't to ask him if he was gay, it was that you will know it only "if he says he's gay." So basically, you really can't know someone is gay he chooses to tell you or make it publically known in some way. It's his choice to talk about it when he most comfortable or maybe not at all because it's about their personal life.
Also, there are men out there who are questioning their sexuality and experiment with other men. They may find they are straight, gay, bisexual, polysexual, asexual, or whatever they feel describes them the best. Or maybe they won't identify as anything at all.
An important aspect of what I was trying to depict in this image is that all the things that supposedly prove or disprove that someone is gay are in the perspective of the person who wants to know a male's sexual orientation. The person is trying to look at all the clues and make a judgement for themselves, and they don't realize that the guy doesn't get any representation as to what he thinks and feels. The person who is trying to figure out whether a particular guy is gay believes they know more than the guy whose sexuality they question.
When I tell people that I'm pansexual, sometimes they don't believe me. What they're REALLY saying is: "I know you better than you know yourself, and because I am apparently a mind-reader and the ultimate authority on who deciding who you're attracted too." Most of the time these are people I've just met, and they nothing about the LGBT community and are not really allies, so how can they possibly know me? How could anyone know what someone else feels without even asking them?
- S.
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Short answer, some people don't know what they are. I'd say someone dating, screwing, and marrying someone EXCLUSIVELY men is gay. He could be a lot of other things too. Or he might not. Neither is bad. Nor is NOT doing that to one gender or sex exclusively.
I just know labels aren't always something people automatically know, even if their behavior says otherwise. I know more lesbians than gay men, but I knew they were lesbians long before they did, or at least admitted it. They were a lot more comfortable with people who didn't ask.
I'm actually interested in your group, as, well, I have no idea what I am and I don't use labels myself because of it. I kinda think people who can or do use labels, whether they know themselves, have it easier.
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I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I didn't mean to. Plus I'm having bad PMS because I haven't period in at least six months until now (sorry if that's TMI). It's complicated.
All the sexual orientation identity labels are a cultural phenomenon of society. In the past, they were created to segregate those who were different, though now it has changed to be a sense of pride and belonging. In a lot of ancient cultures, there was no word for "gay." People just fell in love or had sex with whoever they wanted, and it was something that was considered normal. Labels either didn't exist or were catergorized differently, like Two-Spirit or hijra. I think a lot of people don't realize that just because there is a name and definition for a word, that it doesn't mean it reflects the complexity of reality.
Like I said, I am pansexual, but that doesn't mean it completely describes my specific preferences and feelings. It's just a general guideline to make it simpler for other people (and me) to understand my interests. I know there are plenty of people who do not identify as anything, and I can see why and respect that.
The main reason why I put importance on labels is not because they are I think they're empirical or absolute. Not in the slightest. It's because it makes me feel like I'm not some weirdo, that I'm not the only one. A lot of people ask me about their sexual orientation and gender identity, and they are really happy when I find something that they feel describes them.
Everything I just said you probably already know, but I just wanted to confirm that I agree with you.
If you want, I can help you find a label. I don't know whether it's important to you or not, so it's up to you. This is your identity, and I have no right to tell you who you are. But if it is easier for you, I could try and name some possibilities if you describe your situation. If not, that's fine.
Although I can acknowledge that it must be hard not to have a label. However, it is also hard to have one. When I identified as bisexual, men were always asking for three-ways, and plenty of people thought I was a pervert or easy or slutty. Sometimes it would be dangerous to let men know because they would assume they could do what they wanted to me. Many ignorant people look at the LGBT community and associate it with various stereotypes. Now that I identify as pansexual, somewhat less people ask about three-ways, and more people think I'm a crazy pervert. Nobody knows what it means, and it is a complicated thing to explain. I'm sure it's hard for you to not have a label, and I give you a lot of respect for that, but I just wanted you to know that it is also hard to have label sometimes.
Society doesn't really give any of us a break.
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I didn't mean to come off as cruel, I just mean sometimes it's easier to just figure out that a person is gay or straight or bi before they admit it, but they'd be happier and more eager to admit it eventually. It may not be correct, such as in the case of pansexuals or such, but it's a start.
People should be able to label themselves as what they feel is best, but even without pressure from society, some people don't want to change who they thought they are, they take it on because it makes them feel like part of a rebellious counter-culture, it makes them feel like they're not part of a rebellious counter-culture, it doesn't feel 'right enough', they could feel singled out no matter how accepting of their friends, or a lover might not like the label even if it's accurate and doesn't hurt their relationship behavior-wise.
But if you do find one that fits you because it's truly you, there's no reason you shouldn't embrace it and tell people you feel comfortable telling, no matter what they already thought it was.
I'm definitely joining your group, by the way. I don't have one for myself purely because I don't know.
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Oh, I never thought you were cruel!
I think it's impossible to know someone's sexual orientation without them telling you. Otherwise, no offense, but it's all either about stereotypes or whether they do things with the "same" gender. Sometimes people are experimenting with their fluid sexuality, and sometimes they realize that they aren't really that attracted to the same gender. Other people may legitimately like the same gender, but that doesn't mean that they are gay because they could be multisexual in some way. And then there are the people who trans* or in some way genderqueer. For example, a trans* woman who loves men usually identifies herself as straight. And then there are the non-binary type gender identies like agender, neutrois, intersex, etc. If you have no gender, and you like men, does that make you gay or straight (or anything else)? I have no clue, and that is up to that person.
I accidentally outed my best friend's ex-boyfriend, and he was gay-bashed soon after. Admitting he was gay was not happier or easier. Although some communities are very accepting of LGBT people, there are still horrible places like my town, in which conservative homophobia has made national news. Some people can't come out the closet because it's not safe, and they know it. I once met a girl from Jamaica who said that if her parents found out she was lesbian, they would kill her with no remorse.
On a personal note, coming out as bisexual was a huge thing for me, but realizing I was pansexual and coming out as such has not been easy. In my experience, it's been harder for me to identify as pansexual because nobody knows what it means, some people claim it doesn't exist, and other people think I am some kind of weird pervert. But I have to be true to myself even if it is inconvenient.
Thank you for joining my group!
Oh, and if you want, you can describe what kind of gender(s) you are attracted to and in what manner, and I'll try to see if I can find something that matches you.
Here are a few general possibilities (I'm not sure how you would identify, but for someone who is unsure these are a few general guesses):
Polysexual: attracted to multiple genders but not necessarily all of them. For example, a female-identified person who attracted to only cisgender men, intersex people, and trans* women would fit under this label. There are pretty much endless combinations
Pansexual: attracted to people without caring about their gender
Demisexual: only physically attracted to people with whom a person has a strong relationship bond.
Androphilic: only attracted to male-identified people, which often includes both cisgender men and trans* men (though not always). The word "androphilia" erases the need for mentioning gender.
Gynephilic: The same thing as androphilic except it describes attraction to female identified people.
Skoliosexual: only attracted to trans* people, non-binary, Two-Spirit, genderfluid, etc. people.
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Oh, I'm not saying you should out them as anything. Far from it. If a guy sleeps with, dates, or marries other men, you can certainly identify as gay, but that'a label for you, not them. Ultimately, they get to choose and explain--if they ever want to--what was experimenting and what was definitely a part of them.
I couldn't come out as lesbian for a long time, as it would anger my lesbian friends, and saying I was straight would too. It was good having some people understand that I was wondering, though. Whatever they thought I was, I have no idea, but at least they understood and used whatever label they wanted without saying it.
I think I'm somewhere between poly- and pansexual. Some people do it for me, some don't, and cis or trans don't matter to me.
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Ah, yes. I agree.
I was lucky to have a lot of queer friends, be active in LGBT organizations, and have parents who are sort of OK with multisexualilty (even they have no idea what that means). But I know a lot of people who don't have the benefit of that, so they have to be careful. Ten years ago, it was a lot more common for people to kick out their queer daughters and sons (and descendants of all and no genders). It still happens, but a lot more people are accepting of LGBT nowadays. It's been amazing to watch the rapid changes in society's perspective and culture.
It strongly sounds like you're pansexual. You don't care about the gender of your partner, but that doesn't mean you're attracted to everyone. That's very pansexual.
Does that sound right?
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It sounds kinda right. At least, the most accurate for now.
Thanks.
And I do hope things get better for everyone else.
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You're very welcome.
It is getting better from what I can see. Watching the LGBT community change and grow with my friends, both offline and online, has been an amazing experience.
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thats what most of the ppl around where i live do too
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Yeah, a lot of people do that.
The sad thing is that it was very easy to make this list. It took about ten minutes to write all the text. There are so many stereotypes about gay people, and I never realized just how many until now.
The reason why I made this was because I remembered a time when I went out with (all female) co-workers, and they kept saying that one of our bosses was gay just because he had braces and had a lisp. They knew I was pansexual, and they laughed at me when I said I didn't he was, saying that of all people, I should know. Well, I don't believe in gaydar, and that boss seemed to flirting with me a little bit. In addition, if I'm such an expert according to them, wouldn't I be right when I said I didn't think he's gay?
Straight people can be rather narrow minded sometimes. I don't automatically assume someone is gay. Besides, I'm pansexual, and I research a lot. He could have been multisexual or any other queer identity. And what business is it of us? It's not nice to make fun of people because the think they're gay and they're also drunk (we went to a bar/restaurant, but I don't drink).
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another thing i also find annoying too is that there've been a few times where i could be in a conversation with at the least two ppl and when i tell one that i'm pan just as they ask me what it means the second person would blurt out "it means they don't like have sexual contact". I understand if they get the meaning mixed up from time to time but it feels insulting especially when they just interrupt me to say that i'm pretty sure one of those times was on purpose
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Wow, that's really bad. I'm surprised people would think that pansexuality and asexuality are essentially the same thing. People just think I'm weird or some kind of deviant sometimes, but nobody has ever acted like it has the same definition as asexuality.
There are a lot of ignorant people out there. It's hard for pansexuals like us to be understood. A lot of people in the LGBT community don't even know what it means. My parents don't understand it either, but they grew up in Burma, so it makes sense that they would be confused by something that only a small group of people know about.
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oh gods and when u get a chance to there'll always be those ppl that think u like them like "Oh yeah yur that attractive"
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