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Feels weird that we are finally in 2021. It really does. I mean, when I really think about it, it sort of amazes me with all of the things that are going to happen. Currently, there's a vaccine going out to try bring back some normality in our lives. Last night, we saw a coup attempt in the US which I never thought I'd ever see. As well as that, there's a strong possibility that the UK won't even exist when the year ends with the chances of a fully independent Scotland and Ireland becoming more of a reality due to Brexit. It's a lot to take in for one year. In regards to this page, this will be my seventh year on Deviantart. Seven years is a long time and I've pretty much grown so much from my early days and so forth. I could say that with confidence till last year.

Last year, I had all of the free time in the world to make content. I had no obligations in College, I had no job and I had nothing to do. So, I reflected upon the year and I asked myself questions. Why didn't I do more then? Why didn't I make more content? Why didn't I do any GIFS? Why didn't I do any stories? After a few moments of reflection, I ultimately came up with the answer. Fear. Fear was the thing that stopped me from making content. I was afraid to make content because I felt that I couldn't live up to the standards that I used to produce. I felt that there was little point in it because I had been filled with this idea that half of the community just hated my guts for the stuff back in 2017 and 2018. I'll admit that it has been a problem in my mind that has affected my content and myself mentally. Back in those years, I was an excited kid who was just happy to be able to make other people happy and to bring their visions come to fruition. For the first time in my own life, I had confidence. I wasn't just a shy kid in the corner who was picked on for his weight and likes. I went from being a nobody to a somebody. That was when things were starting to change in a positive way.

The reality for me was that I was never this charismatic, fun-loving, energetic guy who could charm the people around him. I've always been the shy, introverted and uninteresting guy who lacked the confidence to do anything. However, with morphing it really did change me and help me grow out of my shell. Along other stuff in my real life, it was one of the factors that allowed me to grow into the person that I am today. However, three incidents really damaged my confidence in my ability. Since those incidents, I haven't really been the same mentally as a creator since then. The three incidents were the Blueberrycritic, fight with Jingle and the destruction of the podcast. I've already talked to death about all three in detail throughout the years so I'll approach them in terms of the mental effects.

For the Blueberrycritic thing, it was simple. It was a blow to my confidence at first but more importantly it was the first time someone I considered to be a friend did something harsh to me to "teach me a lesson". Pretty much it was the first time, my content was dissected and just attacked for not being good enough. I'd then find out that the review had personal info of mine that was posted without my consent under the idea of being "rumors". Later I found out that the person behind the account was someone who i had only told the info to. It took them a year or two to admit that they were doing it but it messed with my mind. It made me reluctant to chat to a lot of people and talk about my personal life in detail (something I was building up to in terms of confidence). When I found out the reasoning behind the review, it damaged my confidence because It made me question who I could trust and if there were others who were saying the same things.

Then things cleared up for a bit and I continued on my way until the fight with Jingle. Granted, I love Jingle like a bro now and we were best friends until the fight. Getting in that fight and seeing that post from him did a large attack on my confidence which was still being repaired at the time. As well as that, it affected things in my real life but I feel that is too personal to talk about. However, with the whole hindsight in mind now, I don't put any of that blame on Jingle. He had just been told false info and events in my real life and online life which caused him to become angry. At the time, it was like losing a brother but what was worse was that it caused a drift between people in the community. Some people were team Jingle and others were team SB. The problem with this was that it fed onto the idea of people who I thought were fans were now throwing insults at me, saying how shitty of a person I was and that I lacked any talent. It royally fucked up my mind for sure and to this day, it still does haunt me. This is what brings into the fear part. After the whole event, I was afraid to morph because I was afraid that people would either ignore/black list it or use it as a chance to hurl insults at me. For me, it gave me PTSD symptoms for when I was a child. Granted, myself and Jingle are still in the process of becoming best friends again but it still has left me with the feeling that the event caused me to become isolated from a lot of people.

Then the podcast stuff and well I've gone into detail about that. Having personal info of mine thrown out there for the public again only to be attacked once more by people damaged my confidence again. Granted, had my confidence not boomed in the last two years, that event probably would have just ended me. So, I suppose I could say the real SBBeauregarde is just a guy who struggles with confidence with the fear that people are out to stab him in the back or to undermine him as a person. He's a guy whose afraid to post content on the regular for the fear of isolation, insults and things going wrong in life. I can try to end this on a positive note that I'm slightly getting better at this. I'm alot more outgoing than I used to be and I'm talking to the right people that seemingly prove that maybe my thoughts are wrong about being isolated. The fear is still in me, like even posting the latest story scared me because it started to reaffirm my fears since nobody seemed to care for it. Even setting up the new podcast has envoked a deep fear in me. Like, I'm scared shitless to do this by myself and that it might not match up to my last performance in the previous podcast but I have to continue to go with it because its a passion for me.

I think for 2021, I want to grow my confidence and head back how I felt in the previous days where I would morph to enjoy and to please the community. I know I usually make the whole speech where I promise to do something but then end up either delaying it or procrastinating or just not doing it in the end but this time has to be different, not only for me but for the community.

SB

Description
Feels weird that we are finally in 2021. It really does. I mean, when I really think about it, it sort of amazes me with all of the things that are going to happen. Currently, there's a vaccine going out to try bring back some normality in our lives. Last night, we saw a coup attempt in the US which I never thought I'd ever see. As well as that, there's a strong possibility that the UK won't even exist when the year ends with the chances of a fully independent Scotland and Ireland becoming more of a reality due to Brexit. It's a lot to take in for one year. In regards to this page, this will be my seventh year on Deviantart. Seven years is a long time and I've pretty much grown so much from my early days and so forth. I could say that with confidence till last year.

Last year, I had all of the free time in the world to make content. I had no obligations in College, I had no job and I had nothing to do. So, I reflected upon the year and I asked myself questions. Why didn't I do more then? Why didn't I make more content? Why didn't I do any GIFS? Why didn't I do any stories? After a few moments of reflection, I ultimately came up with the answer. Fear. Fear was the thing that stopped me from making content. I was afraid to make content because I felt that I couldn't live up to the standards that I used to produce. I felt that there was little point in it because I had been filled with this idea that half of the community just hated my guts for the stuff back in 2017 and 2018. I'll admit that it has been a problem in my mind that has affected my content and myself mentally. Back in those years, I was an excited kid who was just happy to be able to make other people happy and to bring their visions come to fruition. For the first time in my own life, I had confidence. I wasn't just a shy kid in the corner who was picked on for his weight and likes. I went from being a nobody to a somebody. That was when things were starting to change in a positive way.

The reality for me was that I was never this charismatic, fun-loving, energetic guy who could charm the people around him. I've always been the shy, introverted and uninteresting guy who lacked the confidence to do anything. However, with morphing it really did change me and help me grow out of my shell. Along other stuff in my real life, it was one of the factors that allowed me to grow into the person that I am today. However, three incidents really damaged my confidence in my ability. Since those incidents, I haven't really been the same mentally as a creator since then. The three incidents were the Blueberrycritic, fight with Jingle and the destruction of the podcast. I've already talked to death about all three in detail throughout the years so I'll approach them in terms of the mental effects.

For the Blueberrycritic thing, it was simple. It was a blow to my confidence at first but more importantly it was the first time someone I considered to be a friend did something harsh to me to "teach me a lesson". Pretty much it was the first time, my content was dissected and just attacked for not being good enough. I'd then find out that the review had personal info of mine that was posted without my consent under the idea of being "rumors". Later I found out that the person behind the account was someone who i had only told the info to. It took them a year or two to admit that they were doing it but it messed with my mind. It made me reluctant to chat to a lot of people and talk about my personal life in detail (something I was building up to in terms of confidence). When I found out the reasoning behind the review, it damaged my confidence because It made me question who I could trust and if there were others who were saying the same things.

Then things cleared up for a bit and I continued on my way until the fight with Jingle. Granted, I love Jingle like a bro now and we were best friends until the fight. Getting in that fight and seeing that post from him did a large attack on my confidence which was still being repaired at the time. As well as that, it affected things in my real life but I feel that is too personal to talk about. However, with the whole hindsight in mind now, I don't put any of that blame on Jingle. He had just been told false info and events in my real life and online life which caused him to become angry. At the time, it was like losing a brother but what was worse was that it caused a drift between people in the community. Some people were team Jingle and others were team SB. The problem with this was that it fed onto the idea of people who I thought were fans were now throwing insults at me, saying how shitty of a person I was and that I lacked any talent. It royally fucked up my mind for sure and to this day, it still does haunt me. This is what brings into the fear part. After the whole event, I was afraid to morph because I was afraid that people would either ignore/black list it or use it as a chance to hurl insults at me. For me, it gave me PTSD symptoms for when I was a child. Granted, myself and Jingle are still in the process of becoming best friends again but it still has left me with the feeling that the event caused me to become isolated from a lot of people.

Then the podcast stuff and well I've gone into detail about that. Having personal info of mine thrown out there for the public again only to be attacked once more by people damaged my confidence again. Granted, had my confidence not boomed in the last two years, that event probably would have just ended me. So, I suppose I could say the real SBBeauregarde is just a guy who struggles with confidence with the fear that people are out to stab him in the back or to undermine him as a person. He's a guy whose afraid to post content on the regular for the fear of isolation, insults and things going wrong in life. I can try to end this on a positive note that I'm slightly getting better at this. I'm alot more outgoing than I used to be and I'm talking to the right people that seemingly prove that maybe my thoughts are wrong about being isolated. The fear is still in me, like even posting the latest story scared me because it started to reaffirm my fears since nobody seemed to care for it. Even setting up the new podcast has envoked a deep fear in me. Like, I'm scared shitless to do this by myself and that it might not match up to my last performance in the previous podcast but I have to continue to go with it because its a passion for me.

I think for 2021, I want to grow my confidence and head back how I felt in the previous days where I would morph to enjoy and to please the community. I know I usually make the whole speech where I promise to do something but then end up either delaying it or procrastinating or just not doing it in the end but this time has to be different, not only for me but for the community.

SB