HOME | DD

Description
Goodbye Tomorrow

-- It Pays To Be Sweet When You're Dead

That old rain cloud just past right on through. It didn't bother linger there for a day. The patter of raindrops echoed through the open space by hitting the pavement, grass, wet dirt, and splashed into the puddles they made. In the time the gloomy clouds did settle in the sky it was a calm as though the earth was being blanketed by a comforting solemnity. That humid fall afternoon made the drizzle after the pour dry as quickly as it hit the ground.

I felt when the world stopped turning; the exact moment that time stopped moving forward and eternity began. I had never felt more alone than I did in this new consciousness. It was as though I was standing in a crowded room by myself yet surrounded by faceless figures. It was sort of like a dream of a party where the only music was the outside world; cars driving by, dogs barking, voices I couldn't really hear, and the guests were all bored since it went downhill. I didn’t know where I was but I knew that I wanted out, I reached for the door but I couldn’t leave. For the cold, wet, earth on top of me was a persistent host.

It was through my own death that I discovered the truth of heaven. It wasn’t anything like what we were taught in school or what they preached in church. There is no God, just a realm of beauty where the angels are in charge, and I was thrilled to find that out because they actually understood what it meant to be a human being. One could imagine my surprise when I felt the safe arms that wrapped around me and pulled me away from the horrors of where I was heading. I was told that the reason was that the devil was real and wasn't looking for friends. It wanted souls to torment. That's how it had its fun. I had already lived as a slave all my life, pressed under someone’s thumb and always led in one direction or another. This day, I was better than that, this was my freedom and I was curious to find out what drink they would offer me up there.

I followed along the path and rubbed my then non-existent hands together as I looked around for a heavenly bar or a nightclub, maybe. Then suddenly I noticed that I had no need for my cane. The body I had that was once wracked with pain was gone and when I realized this, I felt grateful. I did not want to admit that I enjoyed my first few minutes on the other side of life but I was walking upright along the walkway of heaven, impressed that there was actually a gate at the entrance but no one to judge whether you were “good enough” to go on in. As good as it all felt, I could not bring myself to accept any of it just yet. She was on my mind, even as I rose in death to enter heaven.

“I want to see my wife.” I said.

“I want to see her again... please.” I begged.

I knew how ridiculous it was to make such a request but before I let myself think, I found myself explaining, “Every mistake I made was so I could be with her, it's what got me here, I know it.” I said. For a while, there was no response.

I looked around; it was just light and the faint mumbling which I believed were of the souls that found their way there. The longer I waited, the more forsaken I began to feel, and I started thinking about my entire life and what I left behind. I thought about the people I did well without and the ones that gave me joy, with that, sorrow replaced elation. Then I felt overwhelming warmth take me over, moving me like I was nothing but air, and I found myself at the foot of my own grave. I think I was buried on a Friday. It was gray, rainy, and grief seemed to be the theme casted over the world I got to see again.

I saw her. She was in the last dress I bought her, just above the knee with roses printed all over, a lot of pink. I saved for weeks so I could buy it for her, and I didn’t want to give her something cheap. It wasn't until she got it that I learned how much she hated floral dresses. She looked so beautiful and sad. In death, the world is the same but different. It hurt that I couldn’t reach out and touch her; she was so close yet unreachable. I figured I would reach for her anyway, I got a little closer and as she crouched down to the headstone, I traced my finger to tuck her hair behind her ear. She arched her neck and closed her eyes as the wind flowed through her hair, and tucked it behind her ear as I intended. Then she began speaking and I made sure I listened.

“Hey stranger… I miss you.” She said.

“It hasn’t been long, but I can already feel the emptiness …” She choked up a little, and tried to hold back a few tears. “I still go to try and call you, and then I remember that you’re gone and I just...” I felt guilty then, I had seen her cry so many times in the past, for me and because of me, but it was at that moment that I felt what she felt and I cursed myself for bringing about this feeling.

“You acted like such a fool, Adam. At first, I couldn’t believe things you got into before the time came that none of it surprised me anymore. I took it all because I love you and now… Look at us.” She shrugged, shaking her head. She loved me. I was gone and she still loved me, how could I expect anything less? I knew that being with me wasn’t easy; they should give her the sainthood for lasting all these years.

“I got to go, I have to see how mom is doing, but I’ll be back.” She was about to get up and I couldn’t catch myself.

“Please don’t go.” I said, though I knew she couldn’t hear me. My body longed for her from the grave as well. All of me wanted her to stay close.

It must have been that she felt my beckoning because she looked at my grave again and slowly went back down. Tears started falling, she sniffed and rubbed her nose, her lips shook and so did her voice. “You old fool. “ She said with a slight laugh.

“I wish you knew better…did what was right by you instead of trying to hide from everything. I wish we got to have kids and start a family. Even if I had to hold you together, you would have done well as a father, I think.” She smiled. I felt the weight of her words, she had dreams...goals. I was selfish. It was like I didn’t even want a future with the way I killed myself a little bit every night.

The wind tossed the trees as though to shake them awake. I was looking outside myself to register what was happening. What I felt was her at my feet as I lay in the cold ground looking up, and holding myself back right behind her to save myself the disappointment of attempting another futile touch. I looked to the heavens and I knew God was away, he didn’t have time to listen to what I had to say, but I died and still made time to listen to my wife. It took me long enough. I had to go back; I could not let it end like this. We could not all be victims of circumstance. There had to be a way. I prayed to the angels, hoping to appeal to their kindness once again. Certain rules probably did not even apply went God stepped out of heaven.

“I want to come back.”I said.

“I left everything wrong, I need to come back and fix it. Please.” I looked to the sky and the clouds parted into a flooded into a sea of light and warmth. “Adam.” A voice said, I could not tell if it was a man or a woman and it did not matter, it had my attention.

“Please, I know you saw what happened. I can’t let it end like that.” I persuaded.

For a while the voice did not respond, in this time she got up and turned to walk away and I knew that she wouldn’t ever come back, and the voice stood silent as though to contemplate.

“You will have only one chance, Adam, under this one condition; destroy your life again, and we will not save you from the punishment that awaited you.” The voice sounded as though it were right beside me, no superior echo or glamorous presence.

“One chance only, Adam. That is all.” It said.

I closed my eyes and this presence took over me like it was swallowing the world, and when I opened them…I felt the old spring of the mattress in my old room back at the motel, alone, the same peeling walls, dirty window, old door with the faulty door that jammed some days. Well, I suppose you could say I was back home, and I did not feel weightless anymore; it felt like I was getting back my original dimensions from just having been lighter than air. I took a sharp breath and felt a shock when the air entered my living lungs. I sat up, slowly and groaned. What was real anymore? I couldn’t tell. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up to make my way to the wash room. Could I have just been dead a few moments ago? I felt the angel’s touch on me still, it was damn real. I looked myself in the mirror. I turned on the sink and kept the eye contact with myself for another moment or so and then washed my face just to wake myself up a little more. I grabbed a towel and made my way to the bed again and sat at the edge; turned the television on to the news and I saw that the date was March 5, 1968. It was one year back they sent me.