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Description
One more light burning in the skies - A tribute to Chester Bennington and a way to explain depression itself

I´m already thinking for a long time, what I should write. There are so many things crossing through my mind and nothing is really fitting after all. I still cannot believe, that this really happened. I´m only beginning to realize it slowly. I guess some of you won´t understand how this man and Linkin Park itself changed and saved my life. So first, I heard about Chesters death, I was just laughting, I was really certain, that this could only be a lie. Some kind of fake news or a mistake. But it wasn´t.
I was searching for some comfort in chats with my friends, I was reading comments and answering on those, but there were also things that made me really mad. Some people were talking condemning about his actions, what he thought he would might be, leaving his family alone and judged him for his suicide.
Yes, it really wasn´t the best way. I guess everyone of us would slap and scold him for that.
BUT. What most of these, who were only writing those things, don´t know, is how hard this fight against this little asshole named depression is. Since I´m also fighting, let me tell you how it feels. I´m suffering from depression and borderline for such a long time now. Maybe it helps you to understand a little more. Please keep in mind, that everyone is experiencing depression a little different.

Imagine there is someone behind you. If you turn around, you won´t see anyone, but you can feel it. Like a shadow. You can hear a silent voice, that talks almost every second to you and you can´t get rid of it. And that´s what depression is. A little demon on your shoulder, summoned by the past, which won´t let you go. And it destroys you systematically.

My depression began very early (I guess I was 4 or 5) with a strange feeling of not being welcome.
I´m still feeling like a foreigner in my own home. No matter if it is my family, friends, my colleagues or people I just met. They don´t know it and they are all giving me the feeling of being a strange breed of a human which speaks a foreign language, an alien, an unwanted species. Every word I speak, every step I make, gives me the feeling I´m different. Different in a bad way. And it´s not changing since everytime I meet someone, I try to act like them, so I don´t attract negative attention and still there is this voice in my head. 'You are different. They will never accept you. You´re worth nothing.' To be honest, this is really hard to trust someone. On the contrary, there´s always this feeling like there is someone looking at you critically. Since life is a bitch sometimes and you also have to fight against memories of the past, you get to know people, which don´t have the best intentions. Also you have friends which are changing or they can´t stand that you change as well. No matter why it comes to conflicts, this demon on your shoulder tells you 'It is your own fault. See? There´s no one you can trust. They aren´t interested in you at all. All they want is making their profit out of you.' You start feeling very lonely. Even in company. You´re always alert and expecting the worst. Even at night. Well, talking about sleeping. I don´t remember when I have ever been asleep like others. Usually it takes two or three hours until I sleep and even then I´m waking up very often at night. There´s always this nervousness and anxiety. I guess I just forgot my reason of being nervous, I can´t tell you why I can´t sleep, but it makes me really tired. And that´s another face of depression. You are always tired, no matter how long you sleep. Also you lack off motivation. On a day off, you´re lying tired on the couch, you just have to do a little bit of houshold chores, but it feels like someone´s expecting the world from you. And you blame yourself for not doing it. You feel incapable. Like always.
And so the depression continues. You feel like a failure of nature in person. Everybody has a critical eye on you and there´s no place you can call home. Even if you find someone you can trust, someone who tells you, that you are important, you don´t believe it.
Some of my dearest friends are asking me to explain myself very often, because I´m always looking so sad. It´s difficult.
It´s not difficult for me anymore to talk albout my past, but since there are always these issues and I don´t think they´ll understand me, I don´t have any reason to talk about it. It simply makes no sense for me. Sometimes there isn´t even a reason why I´m sad. How should I explain, why I´m sad, when I even don´t know it?

There´s so much more to tell about depression. The feeling of not being good enough for anyone or anything. The hate you feel against yourself. The question why you are here on earth at all, annoying everyone with your presence. I have to admit, that there was also a time when I thought about to put an end to everything. I couldn´t stand it anymore. I planned everything and thought about how great it would be to escape my fathers hands so he can´t abuse me anymore, to be free and not to feel like a stranger, who has to wear a mask and copies everyone to be like them. But soon I asked myself 'What is the use of my death?'. I found none. Even if it felt so liberating for a short time, I wouldn´t have got the chance of changing anything. Well, I´m glad I won this fight against this ever present voice, telling me to quit already. But even if it doesn´t tell me anymore, that death is the answer, it´s till there.
Do you understand now, how hard this evil monster called depression is? It takes you down with lies. It drags you to addictions because you don´t know any other way to endure this torture and in the end it tells you to surrender. It tells you, that death is the only way out of your despair.
Yes, it is sad.
Depression is not a mood or a choice. It is very serious and real.
I wished I had the chance to tell Chester how he helped me out of the fight he wasn´t able to win. I guess thanking the left ones of Linkin Park and explaining things, so people take note is the only thing I can do now. Please take depression serious. Give people with depression the feeling of being important and wanted. Everyone of us has a value and a right to be here. Be patient, think before you speak, listen carefully, try to understand. Depression is mostly well hidden behind a strong mask. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Thank you.

Description
One more light burning in the skies - A tribute to Chester Bennington and a way to explain depression itself

I´m already thinking for a long time, what I should write. There are so many things crossing through my mind and nothing is really fitting after all. I still cannot believe, that this really happened. I´m only beginning to realize it slowly. I guess some of you won´t understand how this man and Linkin Park itself changed and saved my life. So first, I heard about Chesters death, I was just laughting, I was really certain, that this could only be a lie. Some kind of fake news or a mistake. But it wasn´t.
I was searching for some comfort in chats with my friends, I was reading comments and answering on those, but there were also things that made me really mad. Some people were talking condemning about his actions, what he thought he would might be, leaving his family alone and judged him for his suicide.
Yes, it really wasn´t the best way. I guess everyone of us would slap and scold him for that.
BUT. What most of these, who were only writing those things, don´t know, is how hard this fight against this little asshole named depression is. Since I´m also fighting, let me tell you how it feels. I´m suffering from depression and borderline for such a long time now. Maybe it helps you to understand a little more. Please keep in mind, that everyone is experiencing depression a little different.

Imagine there is someone behind you. If you turn around, you won´t see anyone, but you can feel it. Like a shadow. You can hear a silent voice, that talks almost every second to you and you can´t get rid of it. And that´s what depression is. A little demon on your shoulder, summoned by the past, which won´t let you go. And it destroys you systematically.

My depression began very early (I guess I was 4 or 5) with a strange feeling of not being welcome.
I´m still feeling like a foreigner in my own home. No matter if it is my family, friends, my colleagues or people I just met. They don´t know it and they are all giving me the feeling of being a strange breed of a human which speaks a foreign language, an alien, an unwanted species. Every word I speak, every step I make, gives me the feeling I´m different. Different in a bad way. And it´s not changing since everytime I meet someone, I try to act like them, so I don´t attract negative attention and still there is this voice in my head. 'You are different. They will never accept you. You´re worth nothing.' To be honest, this is really hard to trust someone. On the contrary, there´s always this feeling like there is someone looking at you critically. Since life is a bitch sometimes and you also have to fight against memories of the past, you get to know people, which don´t have the best intentions. Also you have friends which are changing or they can´t stand that you change as well. No matter why it comes to conflicts, this demon on your shoulder tells you 'It is your own fault. See? There´s no one you can trust. They aren´t interested in you at all. All they want is making their profit out of you.' You start feeling very lonely. Even in company. You´re always alert and expecting the worst. Even at night. Well, talking about sleeping. I don´t remember when I have ever been asleep like others. Usually it takes two or three hours until I sleep and even then I´m waking up very often at night. There´s always this nervousness and anxiety. I guess I just forgot my reason of being nervous, I can´t tell you why I can´t sleep, but it makes me really tired. And that´s another face of depression. You are always tired, no matter how long you sleep. Also you lack off motivation. On a day off, you´re lying tired on the couch, you just have to do a little bit of houshold chores, but it feels like someone´s expecting the world from you. And you blame yourself for not doing it. You feel incapable. Like always.
And so the depression continues. You feel like a failure of nature in person. Everybody has a critical eye on you and there´s no place you can call home. Even if you find someone you can trust, someone who tells you, that you are important, you don´t believe it.
Some of my dearest friends are asking me to explain myself very often, because I´m always looking so sad. It´s difficult.
It´s not difficult for me anymore to talk albout my past, but since there are always these issues and I don´t think they´ll understand me, I don´t have any reason to talk about it. It simply makes no sense for me. Sometimes there isn´t even a reason why I´m sad. How should I explain, why I´m sad, when I even don´t know it?

There´s so much more to tell about depression. The feeling of not being good enough for anyone or anything. The hate you feel against yourself. The question why you are here on earth at all, annoying everyone with your presence. I have to admit, that there was also a time when I thought about to put an end to everything. I couldn´t stand it anymore. I planned everything and thought about how great it would be to escape my fathers hands so he can´t abuse me anymore, to be free and not to feel like a stranger, who has to wear a mask and copies everyone to be like them. But soon I asked myself 'What is the use of my death?'. I found none. Even if it felt so liberating for a short time, I wouldn´t have got the chance of changing anything. Well, I´m glad I won this fight against this ever present voice, telling me to quit already. But even if it doesn´t tell me anymore, that death is the answer, it´s till there.
Do you understand now, how hard this evil monster called depression is? It takes you down with lies. It drags you to addictions because you don´t know any other way to endure this torture and in the end it tells you to surrender. It tells you, that death is the only way out of your despair.
Yes, it is sad.
Depression is not a mood or a choice. It is very serious and real.
I wished I had the chance to tell Chester how he helped me out of the fight he wasn´t able to win. I guess thanking the left ones of Linkin Park and explaining things, so people take note is the only thing I can do now. Please take depression serious. Give people with depression the feeling of being important and wanted. Everyone of us has a value and a right to be here. Be patient, think before you speak, listen carefully, try to understand. Depression is mostly well hidden behind a strong mask. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Thank you.