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Hot Mark: Welcome back to Mark and Mark Til After Dark. Old Grumpy Face still has his shoes on, but his legs and feet are twitching. Basil, I suppose the Barefootin Tickler's met with a lot of people who were reluctant barefooters. How would he persuade Mark here; should we maybe cue up The Stripper music?

Basil: That might work for some people, heh-heh, though it isn't really the Barefootin Tickler's style. In one respect here, with people like Mark, his task wouldn't be all that hard, because he wouldn't be trying to get someone to do something strange or out of character. We all take our shoes off; it's just a question of making someone comfortable with the context. It helps having other guys around who are already barefoot; the Barefootin Tickler seems to start with people whose shoes are half off before he even starts, and then they help bring along the others. That makes it easier for the reluctant ones. Once he gives them a sense of the fellow feeling they can experience, it gets harder to be the only one still wearing shoes when everyone else is barefootin.

Smart Mark: Fellow feeling... I can see that. Doctor, your book must be fascinating. I have to admit, I am feeling an urge to join you both and take my shoes off. I don't understand it. Part of me still thinks I shouldn't, but my reluctance is weakening. Maybe it wouldn't be so terrible...

Basil: Now what's happening here, Mark, is that you're putting yourself into a negative position of resisting a suggestion. It's an attempt to maintain some sort of freedom of will, but the freedom of a negative position ends up squeezing itself into nothing. The Barefootin Tickler would probably say that he's already got you if you're at the point where forcing yourself to retain your shoes feels more like torture than volition. He wouldn't be oppositional, but would sympathize with your feet's longing to be bare, freed from the imprisonment of those horrid shoes, and with how good he knew that sounded to you, until the overwhelming relief of yielding to your impulse is an irresitible pleasure.

Hot Mark: For our listeners, this is getting pretty intense. Mark's legs are twitching like crazy. C'mon, dude, you know you wanna... uh-huh, it looks as if it's finally gotten to him... he's gonna do it... he's reaching down... one shoe's untied... now the other... they're coming off... his socks too... going, going, gone, and there you have it, listeners, the big Kahunas are on display - woohoo! Put 'em up, Mark; let Basil get a good look.

Basil: Well, well. I think I can say that even the Barefootin Tickler would call yours a really impressive pair of barefeet. Please, don't be embarrassed. I just think that he'd pay you the compliment of ranking you high on his list of favourite converts. Now I hope that this isn't unpleasant for you. Everyone I've interviewed who met the man in person agreed that he really took to barefootin after the Barefootin Tickler got him started.

Smart Mark: Really? I've always thought my bare feet were too big. It is a bit of a relief to get my shoes off. They make my feet look less huge, but they pinch. Mmm, that's better. I still feel this is unprofessional, but I think I could get used to this. Maybe. On occasion. At least so long as Motormouth here doesn't crow about it every fifteen seconds.

Basil: That's a pretty common response. Showing your barefeet in public isn't as unpleasant as you'd thought it would be, or it's even actually enjoyable, but I imagine that, if anyone asked you to throw your shoes away and join the Barefootin Fools, you'd pass.

Hot Mark: The Barefootin Fools? What's that? They sound like fun.

Basil: They're a group of, I suppose you could consider them his disciples, who have taken on the practice of openly and publicly espousing the Barefootin Tickler's philosophies instead of simply practicing them in quiet. They want to spread his ways farther and wider than he can do entirely on his own. Professor Graves admitted that he's a Barefootin Fool, and he'd planned on getting my friend Oliver to convert as well.
Smart Mark: Well, that would be something else. Barefootin every now and then might be one thing, and I'll admit it's pretty enjoyable, but throwing my shoes away would be taking it way too far.

Basil: Of course, you haven't met the actual Barefootin Tickler himself. Neither have I. We might both feel differently had either of us been treated to his full experience. Who knows? Maybe we'd both be Barefootin Fools. Or maybe not.

Hot Mark: The full experience? Oh! You mean the tickling, don't you? How exactly does that fit into the whole picture?

Basil: I have a couple of theories about that. It seems to me that the tickling is some sort of bonding catalyst. I go into a few possible theories in the book. Something about getting their barefeet tickled does seem to cement the barefootin way, but that's one of the things that I'm probably going to be saving for the book's sequel.

Smart Mark: Oh, so there's going to be a sequel, is there? You seem so thorough, I'd have thought you'd have included everything in this first book.

Basil: There are still a few things I'm looking at. For instance, there's an interesting variation among Barefootin Fools that I want to study in further depth. While they're all about equally devoted and indistinguishable barefooters, they're different when it comes to tickling. Some are strictly ticklers. Some, like Professor Graves, strictly go in for getting tickled, and some greatly enjoy being on both ends of the feather.

Hot Mark: That'd be me, I'd bet. What about the Barefootin Tickler himself? Is he strictly a tickler?

Basil: Well, I've heard he enjoys receiving a good tickle from time to time, although many of the men who've met him do call him the most ruthless foot tickler who's ever twirled feathers between their toes. Mark, I must say, it's encouraging to see that you seem to be enjoying yourself more now than when you were trying to keep your shoes on.

Smart Mark: I'll admit it, this is... pretty nice, thanks, Basil. And maybe, if you're lucky, your sequel might be able to include the account of your actually meeting the great Barefootin Tickler in the flesh. Is there some way you could bring about a meeting?

Basil: That would certainly round things out nicely. It's hard to imagine how a meeting would come about, though. I don't know that he'd want to meet me as a biographer of sorts while his great plan, whatever it is, is still ongoing. And yet I can't quite figure out how I'd want to structure the interview or the sequel if it were to turn out that he'd been caught and stopped. It's actually a lot easier to guess what would happen if we were to meet, say, by some chance, tomorrow.

Hot Mark: Julian's just signaled that we're really late for our scheduled commercial break, so you'll have to tell us when we come back on.

[commercials play]

Smart Mark: ...And we're back. Sorry, I was just giving my toes a good stretch while I was thinking, Basil, about your hypothetical meeting with the Barefootin Ticker. I suppose the obvious thing to assume is that, your being barefoot one way or another, he'd tickle your barefeet as part of his plan to gain influence.

Basil: That's definitely the easy part to visualize. I wouldn't want to predict what would happen if he actually did tickle my feet, though.

Hot Mark: Why not? Would you be able to hold out against him?

Basil: I really can't say. I'm not even sure whether my feet are ticklish or not.

Smart Mark: Really? That's an unusual thing not to know about yourself.
Basil: You're right. But I really can't remember any occasion when my feet were tickled, or even if they ever were. Perhaps when I was a kid, but, if so, I've forgotten whether they're ticklish or not.

Hot Mark: Hmmm... Mark, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Basil: What are you thinking?

Smart Mark: I think he's thinking we could help you out here, Basil.

Basil: Help me out? How do you mean?

Hot Mark: Well, could you count down from five for us, and we'll show you?

Basil: All right... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Smart Mark: Ready when you are, Mark.

Basil: Ready for what?

Hot Mark: Now!

Basil: Oh... I say... ummm... unhh...

Smart Mark: For the benefit of our listeners, Mark and I have each taken hold of one of Basil's legs, and we're tickling his feet for him. Just a nice, gentle tickle.

Basil: That's really... Ooh! Yes, I can say that... ah! that definitely tickles.

Hot Mark: Cool! But we shouldn't leave it there, you know, right, Mark?

Basil: What do you meheeheean?

Smart Mark: Well, while it's good for you to know your barefeet are ticklish, since the Barefootin Tickler is so ruthless, maybe we should give you a more vigorous tickle, so that you'll be a bit more prepared for what to expect, not that we're in his league...

Basil: That might actually be a good ideAAAHHAAHAAAAAH! I wuhhuhhuhhusn't readEEEheeheeheee! That's sneaheeky of yOOHOOHOOHOO!!! [laughs without forming coherent words for the next couple of minutes]

Hot Mark: It's time for another station break; we'll stop tickling Basil's tootsies and give him a chance to regain his composure.

[station break plays]

Smart Mark: We're back on Mark and Mark Til After Dark. Mark and I have been helping Basil find out that his barefeet are ticklish in case he ever does get to meet up with the notorious Barefootin Tickler, the subject of his book Kickin Off His Shoes (and His Plan to Get Yours, Too) which I could kick myself for not having read before the show. As I said, it's all Julian's fault; he didn't get the promo copy you sent to me in time.

Basil: I should be thanking the two of you for the tickles. I don't know why it's been so many years since my barefeet were tickled last.

Hot Mark: Basil, I have a question for you. Which of us would you say is the better tickler?
Basil: The better tickler?

Smart Mark: Yes, we're very competitive. It's a feature of the programme. Everything we both do we have to see who's better than the other.

Basil: I'm afraid I couldn't compare the two of you.

Hot Mark: But you must have known. After all, we were each tickling a different foot.
Basil: But I wasn't turning my mind to it. And, to be honest, my barefeet are so ticklish that I couldn't really tell from which foot the tickles were coming.

Smart Mark: Then in that case there's only one thing to do. We have to have a tie-breaker.

Basil: A tie-breaker? What, you'll both tickle me again and I have to say who wins?

Hot Mark: Not quite. Julian, bring the blindfold.

Basil: Oh, I see. You don't want me to know which of you is which.

Smart Mark: Basically. Mark and I will leave the room and decide our order of tickling. Then one of us will come in and tickle your feet for one minute while the other sits in our isolation booth. Then we'll exchange places. And you'll just say whether the first or the second one of us was the better tickler. Thanks, Julian. Would you make sure Basil is properly blindfolded? [brief pause]

Basil: I can't see anything.

Julian: Okay, the two Marks have left the room. I'm going to cut Dr Inman's microphone and give our audience a play-by-play account from the corner. Ready for the first tickler! [brief pause] (whispers) It appears it will be Smart Mark first. He's starting by running his fingertips across Basil's toes, and it's making Basil giggle. Now Mark's found the toe he wants to work over, and Basil's definitely starting to laugh. Mark's ready to move on; he wants to mix it up, and he's going around the outside edge of Basil's left sole. That just got a high-pitched squeak you might have heard. Now, for the kill, Mark is scratching delicately at Basil's arches. Basel's twitching and shaking and starting to lose it... three... two... one... TIME! Mark stops right on cue, and now he'll leave the room and it will be Hot Mark's turn. Basil seems to have recovered, as now Mark starts spider-walking his fingers up and down Basil's soles, but this isn't doing all that much. Now he's going for some really heavy strokes right at the balls of Basil's feet. That's getting a better reaction. Mark tries scratching his heels, but it sounds as if that might take too long. Now he's trying the arches, but his touch is too heavy; Basil's hardly laughing. But now Mark's going for broke... he's sticking out his tongue... and he's licking in between all Basil's toes. [loud shriek] Well, I guess you all heard that, wherever you are. They could probably hear that a few miles away. Well, I don't imagine there's any doubt as to who won. (in normal voice) Mark, I'll go send Mark back in.

Hot Mark: Oh, Julian forgot to take the blindfold. Never mind. I'll get it off you, Basil. Here we are.

Basil: Oh, thank you. Phew! I suppose it's a good thing I'm not going be meeting the Barefootin Tickler anytime soon, or he'd make mincemeat out of my barefeet.

Smart Mark: You did it, didn't you? I know you did. You totally sucked his toes.

Basil: Actually, I think he just licked in between them. I'm afraid that was definitely the best tickling.

Hot Mark; Don't mind Mark. He has a thing about doing that sort of stuff. And if there weren't a few things I can do better than he can, our competition would lose its sting. Anyway, we're delighted to have added to your research knowledge, Basil.

Basil: You're both very kind. That does fill in for me the details of how the meeting would be likely to go, given the details from my interviews, of what would likely happen, if, say, the Barefootin Tickler were here with us right now, in this studio.

Smart Mark: Now I've been wondering about that myself. I can get that he probably makes everyone laugh, even hysterically, but I can't quite connect that to converting guys to becoming full-time barefooters and going in for feet-tickling.

Basil: Now that I think I can demonstrate, at least in principle. I arranged a little something with your station manager Julian beforehand, so perhaps he can bring in a few things and help us get set up. Maybe we could take the next commercial now?

[commercial break plays]