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SewedCodeMode — Pieces
#justforfun #rhythm #spoken
Published: 2016-04-13 02:40:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 97; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 0
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Description
A lens flareA stern glare
A vein popping from your head.
A fine mist
A parchment list
A floating scarf she shed.
In progress trips
And ten back flips
A risk-free trial is all
You need to pay
Prevent delay
A beaded bangle, small.
The rhythm found within words
Is where true beauty lies;
It does not lay, no, does not play
But rests, and yes, reclines.
An arched eyebrow
At the corner of Main
A ribbon-edged neckline;
Pulled back hair
Twenty dollar dare
The end, when she says "fine".
Stubble and cheese pizza
A tight black beanie, knit,
False lashes with hazel eyes
Cancer that doesn't quit.
Rock 'em sock 'em robots,
Broken into shards
A natural glow, impeded flow,
And scattered playing cards.
A gently snoring husband
A puppy dreaming sweetly
Rounds out my night, a string of light
Wrapped up in parcel, neatly.
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Comments: 10
I love the sense of rhythm in this poem, however I don't feel as if it does the heading justice... maybe it's just me, but I don't know?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hi! Thanks for your honest feedback, it's the first I've gotten. I would like to understand what you mean by heading. The title?
Thanks again, hope to hear back soon.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yes the title ^^
I'm sorry, but to me when I read the poem I felt as though the title wasn't doing it justice, like it didn't suit it the way it should have...
No problem for feedback, it was my pleasure ^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Don't be sorry! I value honesty. You aren't being rude or bombastic. I'll probably change the title when I have a chance. Any suggestions? I just don't wanna first-line it.
Have a great day!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I don't know, but I'm thinking something along the lines of... photography? I don't know...
You too ^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I like that idea! I'll play around with it in my head, while working today. Gotta run! Thanks again!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
There we go! I changed it to Pieces. I think that might suit it a bit better...?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yes, it does actually ^^ Well done
👍: 0 ⏩: 1