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Dear Xena,

If I could write you a letter it might sound a little like this. A single sheet of paper, with dozens more crumpled on the floor, because I couldn't find the right words to say. Tears would stain the page despite how I might try to avoid raining on this letter.

There are too many words to say goodbye. I never wanted to think of my last words to you. I guess it really is the hardest one, when you mean it. The last time I saw you - the last time I ever saw you - I remember what I said after a long embrace; "I'll see you next time. I love you." And I blew you a kiss. I can't tell you how sorry I am or how much I blame myself. I love you more than anything, I hope you know that. I miss you so much. I want nothing but for you to come back. Just breathe, I'll wait here.

He tried to save you. He didn't understand why you wouldn't move. It breaks my heart to think of where you lie alone. I don't know how to live without you. I don't want to have to. I wish none of this was real, and I'm sorry for both of our sakes that I wasn't with you in your last moments. This wasn't supposed to happen; you're the survivor, I believed you would keep on surviving. You weren't ready for this and neither were we.

Now you sleep with the earth and the roses. I wish you would wake up. I can almost see you smiling, like a ghost... These words are all wrong but I still dream that you could hear them. Maybe one day soon I'll write you a letter that looks something like this.

Love always,
Me.